How to love

I should be happy, well I am happy, but I should be happier; my life is blessed, I know it is - I've got a beautiful boyfriend and I'm going away on holiday soon, I'm off to find the sunshine that seems to have disappeared from these fair shores; in short life is real good. But it's the holiday that's the problem, I should be so excited and so happy about it but I'm not because it's tempered with thoughts of being apart from my baby. My baby's not coming with me, for reasons that do not concern you or anyone else he's not coming with me; it doesn't upset me that he's not coming, it's my baby's choice and I respect that, it's just the prospect of being apart for a week - it terrifies me. And I don't use the word terrify over dramatically here boys and girls because it does, it chills me to the core to know we'll be apart, continents apart, for a whole week.

I should be used to this scenario by now, it's way not the first time this has happened, I know that the week will soon pass and I know it won't be as bad as my minds making me believe right now; but still I'll miss him like crazy. There's only certain people I feel comfortable with, only certain people that I share everything with and only certain things that can be shared between boyfriends; and my baby he's all of that and more. I'm not talking about sex either boys and girls, sure I'll miss it but I'll miss the kisses, cuddles and companionship more - I'll just miss him for the guy he is. I don't deal with this kind of stuff well at all and my baby may not be best pleased with me for posting this kind of negative stuff on here but I just need an outlet, somewhere to write my thoughts; and man it's been so long since I last posted on here and I choose a moment like this to break the hiatus - I'm sorry on both accounts, so sorry........

It's been at the back of my mind most of the week but I've kind of kept it there and tried not to think about it, and I was winning the war up until this evening. I phoned up Virgin Mobile to activate roaming on my phone so I could speak to my baby whilst I'm away when I got home this evening and the immediacy of it all just hit me, all these thoughts I've been fighting hard to suppress just came flooding out at once and blew me away. I can no longer pretend that it's not imminent, that the nights we'll be together are closing in on us and the week we'll be apart is looming large because it's staring me right in the face.

I need my baby, I hope he hurries on home from work tonight; I just need a kiss, a cuddle and be told that everything will be alright - I need to be in his arms, I need comforting, I need his security. It's a big ask but my baby deals with this kind of stuff way better than I do; and I don't like asking in my times of need but it's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength to admit that things aren't okay, that I need a little help - my baby taught me that; he's taught me lots of things. I wish he could teach how not to miss him so much but I guess that's an impossible ask, besides it's something I don't want to learn anyway - I miss him because I love him and I never want to learn how not to love............

For my baby, so much love xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox.