Look back

It's been another mighty fine day weather wise hasn't it boys and girls? It's glorious to see blue skies and sunshine it really does lift the spirits, it puts a spring in your step and makes you feel so alive - I hope it's a sign of things to come. I was stood outside in the sunshine basking in its warmth and it really was quite beautiful to feel its warmth penetrating the body, after all it's the only thing that will be penetrating my body this week! (Sorry, I honestly wasn't teeing that one up it just popped into my head after I wrote it - talking of which it's the only that'll be popping into my head this week too! But it's true, there's no sex for me on the agenda, no boyfriend equals no sex.) It really did like an early Spring day, which it is, but still after a long cold Winter, and a Winter that probably isn't over yet, it was a welcome respite. My baby sure knows when to take a holiday - he picks a week that has so far seen such Spring weather and if the forecast is correct the rest of the week is looking good too. I'm so happy for him, I hope the weather stays like this for him, such weather reminds me of him anyway - he's the sunshine in so many peoples lives, mine included...........

So far it's been so good, I'm coping without my baby, it's not exactly pleasant but it's okay, in fact it's strange. It's all mind games, I mean we've spent days and nights apart on many occasions in the past but on most of those occasions he's only a a short drive away and despite being apart the thought that he's so close is a major comfort. This time it shouldn't be any different and in reality it's not - it's exactly the same principle, we find ourselves apart; all that's changed is the distance. But because I know he's many miles and many hours away from me, well it just plays on mind some, like I said mind games. I'm not complaining and it's not upsetting me, I'm just trying to explain it; I think I'm coping really well without my baby, I think he'll be very proud of me. It's not the only thing that's been on my mind..........

When I've got time on my hands or time to kill, as I've had the past couple of nights, my mind tends to drift and ponder; I've been evaluating our relationship, reflecting on it - how far we've come together and how perceptions have changed as a result. I'm very fortunate, (and I know my baby dislikes me talking about our relationship from my point of view only, like it's all one way traffic, but as he's not here I think this time I'm entitled to) I wasn't looking for love or looking for a boyfriend when we first met, it was pretty much the last thing on my mind. To be honest I'd kind of given up on the idea because I know I'm an emotional kind of guy - I need lots of love and affection, I'm easily hurt, I cry a lot, I can be moody and if left to dwell on my own I can become distant. It's spoilt many a blossoming relationship with guys and I'm not saying it's my fault, I'm not saying it's anyones fault but I guess I can be difficult or too emotionally demanding for some guys to have a relationship with. You know when you first meet a guy and you go out on a date or two - it's all new and exciting like an adventure; and you're on your best behaviour - it's like a facade in some respects because the real person beneath has yet to shine through. If it starts working out and you become more comfortable with each other and you spend more time together, well you let your guard down some and let your true self come through. Then the incompatibilities prevail, either I felt I wasn't getting enough affection and became unhappy and distant or guys didn't want the emotional traits I possess and so didn't like the real me. It's life isn't it? It's not a blame game or anything, people no matter of their sex or sexuality want to be loved for the person they are; and if the person they find themselves with is incompatible, well the relationship breaks down. Thankfully for me it happened in most instances sooner rather than later, the scars weren't as deep and healed quicker. But still you carry those scars with you and it does effect you; there was one guy I absolutely adored in secondary school, I fancied the pants off him it was such a major crush. I'd flirt with him and he'd flirt back without actually doing anything or coming out and saying I'm gay and I've got the hots for you. He led me on and I followed and he humiliated me, he was straight and along with his mates he thought it would be funny to show me up as a faggot. I've never told that story to anyone but my baby, you never lose the scars................

So to find a boyfriend that loves me for who I am, who's willing to sit by my side on the emotional roller coaster, who forgives me when I get lost and don't speak or won't answer his phone calls. Who helps dry my tears and makes me smile again; who gives me kisses, cuddles and holds my hand at every opportunity. My baby saw through everything I'm not and nurtured the innocence hidden within my soul; there's a child inside all of us - it's just that sometimes they're too scared to come out and play for fear of getting hurt again. I don't know the magic secret to love - it's not through going out and actively seeking a boyfriend anyway; I guess things sometimes happen because they're meant to. You look away for a second and when you look back the scars have faded...........