Defenceless

What another glorious day weather wise boys and girls, it's been absolutely gorgeous and it really has thrilled me again to know my baby's picked such a good week to go on holiday, it honestly means so much. I was walking about in the sunshine today whilst looking up at the bluest of blue skies and well all I could think of was my baby, if there's anyone within this World that deserves to be blessed with such wonderful weather it's him. It makes all the difference too and my baby has taken full advantage of it - he's been out and about every single day with his Sister, it sounds like they've been all over Devon and back again; and they've just had such great fun together, it's heartening to listen to my baby recounting the fun they've had each day and I can just tell in his voice that he's so happy, it fills my heart with a loving warmth. He said if I'd have been with him it would have made it all even better.................

He made me cry when he told me that, I couldn't help it, I so didn't want to cry, I wanted to be strong but I'm not that strong; I've no idea why I felt like I wanted to be strong either because my baby knows me - he knows I get emotional and cry; I'm not strong at all. He reminded me that's one of the reasons he loves me - he loves my fragile, affectionate side because he loves to take care of me, he's missed giving me kisses and cuddles; that didn't help either, it made me cry some more. I've missed his kisses and cuddles too, I've missed them so much - I know of no other place where I feel so safe and comfortable than wrapped up in my baby's arms. I needed to cry anyway, my defences have been so high this week in an attempt to protect myself from any harm that I've become very distant and very irritable with those around me. It's affected me, I don't like being like that, it's not my normal self but if nothing else it's seen me through - there's only one day left and I know I'll get through tomorrow; even if I have to crawl through the day, I will get through it.

I just need to feel gay again, to let my natural self shine through, to not feel threatened and to allow my feminine side to reign free again. I don't know but I've never felt so straight since coming out and it's got nothing to do with the lack of sex, it's just in my persona; I guess with my defences high and all I've not felt comfortable to just be me, the fear of getting hurt has been too high. I want to be defenceless, I love my true self, my baby loves the true me and I've missed them both - I don't like hiding behind a false facade, it's way too restrictive. But that's enough of my moaning, I've made it through unscathed and I'm still smiling; but most importantly tomorrow night will be such a relief in every way imaginable, I cannot wait to see my baby again. I know it will make the time we've been apart seem worth it because it's made me realise more than ever just how much I love and treasure my baby; and there's nothing wrong with that, in fact it's the most bittersweet feeling. I've so much love and affection inside just waiting to be let loose and set free, I just want to shower my baby in hugs and kisses, I just want to be back in his arms again.............