Beadles about

The following tale is 100% true, I kid you not; you may not believe it because of the outlandish coincidence but hand on heart I've not made it up. You couldn't make it up, you couldn't script my life in this way, it's bizarreness is awe inspiring; that and the fact that my baby was crying with laughter when I told him..........

Today I was working and my mischievousness backfired with spectacular results; it was early afternoon and I popped into Claire's Accessories as they had a sale on and I thought I'd see what earrings they had in the sale whilst I had a spare moment. Not that I really need anymore earrings, I mean I've got loads of them and as I've only got one ear pierced - my right one of course, well I don't need that many. But still in I went and whilst perusing the sale stands I found a handbag, a pink handbag with Princess In Training embroidered in sparkling silver across the front of it; oh gosh I thought how glam and I know just the person who really wouldn't appreciate it. So I bought it, I was stood in the queue waiting to pay for it and talking to one of the sales assistants - I know all the girls in there because I'm a regular, along with the earrings they sell lots of accessories that appeal to my gay side; it's a great place for a gay-boy to shop!

So I was stood chatting away when this guy walks in, well he didn't walk in he minced in - I gauged him at 17 years old, he had bleached blonde hair and even before he opened his mouth it was a given that he was gay; and quite an effeminate one at that, you didn't need a gaydar to work his sexuality out. In fact he was so effeminate he made me look plausibly straight, seriously; I know, but I'm not mocking him here, each to their own and all, I mean the gayer the merrier. (I don't know what that remark means either, I just made it up - the gayer the merrier but it's made my baby laugh some more.) He was with a female friend and he walked up to the sales assistant I was talking to and asked if they sold sterling silver earrings; if you needed any further proof he was gay the brief sentence he spoke did the job. If you were sat in a dark room with a group of strangers and you had to pick the gay-boy out by voice alone, you'd pick him all the time, it was that easy; again I'm not mocking it's just a matter of fact. I don't understand the whole effeminately gay voice thing, seriously it escapes me; I mean those that speak in such tones are so obviously passive, you can just tell by their actions and mannerisms. But, I don't know, honestly and my baby doesn't either; how does having sex with another guy make you speak like that? We don't speak like that, I've been told there's a mistake there - my baby doesn't speak like that (it's not that funny, okay you can have that one, it is quite funny) and we see, hear and speak to lots of gay guys when we go to the village and the vast majority are regular. Anyway, I'm losing track here; and the voice thing is unimportant, I mean as long as he's happy who cares?

The gay-boy minces off to the earring section and I eventually get served; the cashier tells me they've only got huge carrier bags so do I mind not having it bagged, no problem at all I said, or so I thought. Whilst I'm paying the staff observe the gay-boy concealing earrings within his bag, they alert me to the fact so I make my way to the door and wait outside, ready to stop him if need be. A couple of minutes later he comes mincing out with two staff members following him whereupon I get the nod; I make my way over, stop the guy and ask him to return into the store due to allegations that he'd been shoplifting. Then it hit me, here I am stopping a gay-boy for shoplifting whilst holding a pink Princess In Training Handbag in my hand; I bet he was looking around for the hidden camera and waiting for Jeremy Beadle (is he still alive?) to come jumping out whilst the crowd shouted watch out Beadles about!

We took them back into the shop whilst I'm hurriedly trying to stuff the handbag into the pocket of my jacket. I read him the riot act, now listen luvvie I know us gay-boys love our earrings to make us look our best for our darling boyfriends but taking them without paying is very naughty; if you do it again I'll bitch slap you petal! (Sorry, I made that bit up, honestly I did; gosh it's funny though isn't it? I'm making a mockery of this blog with all the mickey taking but it keeps my baby and I entertained.) We went into the back office and were waiting on the Police to show but it was so hot in there that I had to take my jacket off, I was roasting. Unwittingly this showed off the gay pride bracelets that I was wearing, not that I try to hide them; I mean what's the use in wearing gay pride jewellery if you're not proud? It was simply because they didn't go unnoticed with the naughty gay-boy; I could see him telling the girl he was with. Can you imagine what was going through his mind, I've been stopped by the gay-boy clutching a pink Princess In Training handbag, how bad a day is that?

Eventually it all got sorted and I made my way out to give the handbag to it's intended recipient; I bought if for girlfriend, I know I'm very mischievous. But given time I think I could turn her into a Princess, not in looks I might add because she's gorgeous, real straight boy eye candy (I think I may avoid death by putting that in there! I'm only joking, honestly - she really is straight boy eye candy; she's taught me a thing or two on how to please a guy anyway!) but just turn her into a real girly kind of girl. I thought I got the last laugh out of it until I got a text message from girlfriend saying it will take a lot of training to get her to my standard; and I don't think she was being too hard on herself with that remark I think it was squarely aimed at me.