Bad

My baby was mad at me, I'm a naughty boyfriend and he's right; I've been told off - seriously, and I've got to do this post to apologise before standing in the naughty corner for the remainder of the night. To be honest I deserve it, he sees things in a different light to me at times or perhaps it should really read he sees the light when all I can see is darkness when things get to me or upset me; that's the real truth here. He's also shown our relationship in a different light and made me think about what the consequences of my head strong actions sometimes are; they just don't affect me alone anymore...................

I honestly don't set out to cause such problems, I mean I can't help it - I'm a very emotional, very fragile guy and as such, and as we all know, things upset me real easy. When they do, when things get on top of me and start to drag me down sometimes I don't have the strength to fight it - again I can't help that, it's just how I am. When this happens, well it's all I can see, I just see and feel the negativity of the situation, nothing more - I become kind of blinkered and my mind forgets all the positive things I have within my life; and I just don't help myself at times. That's why I love my boyfriend so much and that's why he means so much to me because I can be a handful, at times I'm an emotional roller coaster; it scares a lot of guys off. I need someone who's strong and level headed, who can handle me and make me see sense, that understands me in all my drama queen glory. It's a great deal to ask but my baby, I don't know but he's just all that and more - he gives me love, affection, warmth and security but is always strong with me when it's called for. He's made a big difference but on the rare occasions that I do slip back to my old ways, such as yesterday, he helps to pick up the pieces. I've always said he understands me better than I do and I say that for a reason - because it's true.

So I've been told off for posting when I'm in a negative frame of mind - I used to think that getting the crap on my mind out on here helped, now I know it doesn't. As my baby pointed out tonight, as last nights post went on the colourful language started to appear and my normal, balanced view disappeared completely. He asked me if it really helped to write it all down on here; and the answer I'm afraid is no, it doesn't. Hands up, as I wrote last nights post it made me more upset and angry with the situation because I was focusing upon it whilst I was writing it down; and it's not like talking to my baby about it to get a balanced overview, it's just my blinkered view becoming more and more narrow. It caused me further upset, hence the colourful language and there's somethings that I wrote in there that are far from the truth. Work is not ruling my life, I do not hate my job and life is not an almighty f@*k up - the last one really did upset my baby, he hates it when I talk like that because it's so far from the truth and it's just a nasty thing for me to even think never mind say; he never wants to hear or see those words again - it's a fair deal, I promise. And I apologise to you all dear readers for using such language, it's not how I wish to portrayed, I'm not that kind of person; I hope I didn't offend anyone else, if I did I'm sorry.

Foremost is the fact that I've been selfish, I didn't mean to be but I have. You see when I was single I could write whatever I wanted on here and I did; the good, the bad and the ugly times all got the ink - it never hurt anyone. But now, well if write the blinkered crap like I did last night it has a tendency to cause hurt because there's someone very special who cares for and loves me; who doesn't want to see me in such a state and if he does, it - I'm crying sorry...................... If my boyfriend sees me like that it upsets him, oh gosh............. I just didn't think about it like that, I'm so sorry babes, I never, ever mean to cause you any harm. He asked me if I read such words written by him how would I feel? It didn't need an answer but it would break me in two.

Thankfully I have been forgiven, my baby still loves me and he still wants to look after me. The only thing he agreed with from last night is the fact that I've missed his hugs and kisses; he's promised to make up for that tomorrow. It's been a tough week, it's been a week without my baby but the wait is almost over, I don't know why I ever thought it wouldn't end. I'm very fortunate - I have a cute, sexy, beautiful and caring guy in my life; he's my boyfriend and I love him to bits xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox.