Spit roast?

Okay so now I've sorted your bathroom accessories out lets move outside to the garden; gosh I feel like Laurence Llewelyn Bowen tonight, figuratively speaking and in no other sense of course! What a name though - I had to google it to make sure I spelt it correctly; he must have a wide screen passport and stuff to fit it all on.

The garden's easy though isn't it - there's lots of different choices, styles and knickknacks to decorate it to ones personal taste and make it as unique as you are. But what about the barbecue, how do you personalise that? If you have one that is - neither my boyfriend or I own one because he lives in a flat which brings about obvious problems and I just don't like them; I fear getting salmonella or something from them - you know when the foods not cooked properly, it's all burnt on the outside and raw on the inside. I can never get that fear out of mind - perhaps therapy would help, not that it's really a hindrance nor holds me back in life but wouldn't it be great if there was a psychiatrist that dealt with barbecue food poisoning disorder. I doubt he or she would be overly stretched work wise but it would be worth a laugh just to ring 118 118 and ask them for one; to see how clever they really are! Leave that one with me boys and girls that sounds like a job to do after drinking too much alcohol.......

Anyway regardless of anything else there is just no point in owning a barbecue if you live in the UK; look it's high summer a time to be sweltering under blues skies and a hot sun, of ice creams, sunscreen, walks in the park, complaining it's too hot and feeling up your boyfriend who's irresistible whilst wearing shorts right? (The last example may not apply to everyone admittedly but it works for me!) Wrong, it's high summer a time to be cold and wet beneath dark, scornful clouds dispensing never ending rain because that's the truth it hasn't stopped raining for days; so why own a barbecue? Because it will never get any use and will eventually end up crumbling under its own weight in rust. But if you feel your life is not complete without owning a barbecue then I have the ultimate accessory to personalise it.

Like the bathroom accessory earlier this is also a looker and functional. I guess it will appeal mostly to the straight female and gay male populous again unless you invite your drunk Uncle around who makes sordid and untruthful claims to be built just like that - we all have one of them in the family don't we? The feint of embarrassment when you attend the next family gathering to find Uncle Joe there, pissed up and making lewd jokes at 10 in the morning!

But barring that you'll be the envy of all your neighbours and will have bragging rights for years to come; people will talk about you at the local pub - you'll become a local hero. Not that such claims to fame can be guaranteed in any way so don't think about suing me should you actually buy one and remain known as the weirdo living next door by your neighbours.

Anyway you could use it as per the photo below but I guess you could also suspend a larger piece of meat between them. Whichever way you look at it or choose to use them there's one thing that's undeniable - with a couple of meaty sausages like that it would be a shame not to have a good spit roast........