Or is it?

So tired today but tired for all the right reasons. It has been a busy weekend despite finding myself at work throughout. Friends of all denominations - gosh you are all so very sweet and you all make me very happy for many different reasons. And those who you think will be the most difficult often surprise and make you feel so comfortable, that is very special in itself. It makes me feel comfortable in circumstances where I am often not. It helps me to learn, whatever that means, and it does mean so much. 

But above all I am happy and I am happy for other people too. My friends, if they are happy then that brings me so much joy and pleasure. I know they are happy and I know they deserve happiness; that's good, it's very good. A smile on a face - oh so simple and oh so beautiful, and yes it does mean the world, even if that smile is not mine. I can see the hidden words; they are reminiscent of me before I became brave to almost anyone. I like the sounds they do not make.

Nowadays I am less cynical with life, I just know I am, there is no need to tell me. It's a good way to live, it's a better way to live but not to everyone. It always will be a problem to some extent but as long as I remain true to those that are true, then that is all I need to survive. It was a naive gesture to try and be something for everyone; I guess letting people down does not come easy. But with realisation comes the notion that whilst trying to be something for everyone you can neglect those for whom the focus should be most intense. I learnt that too, myself, all on my own. 

I so love the term "boyfriend", it is so twee. It enriches the heart and soul; each and every fibre that is my make-up comes alive with that one word. It is very special to hear or speak such a simple word; or not to speak words because words are often not needed. A look, a smile, a kiss, a touch, a holding of hands speak volumes. It's a connection, one that was not foreseen nor foretold; but a connection all the same; in a community that is often devoid of such emotion. It is more than it is portrayed and more than it is subjugated to by those who wish to. That is not my choice but I do try to understand.

People may judge or ridicule, it's cool. I know who I am and what I have done. I am not ashamed even when others think I should be. The labels are for others understanding and not mine; some of them are very true. I admit that I helped in this respect; I helped by instilling trust, in hindsight it amuses me - everything. Any other person in my life is unknown for the most part. I find it difficult to understand how people may judge or ridicule the unknown. The unknown knows my truth and is known to all of you. Somehow and someway the unknown will greet us all. 

I don't know what any of this means or why I decided to share it with you. It's just a reflection of a tired mind, I guess. Random thoughts that have been strung out in my head throughout the day. That and I trimmed my pubes tonight with my hair clippers. All this nonsense just to arrive at that bombshell. Or is it?