Upset

Life has been boring of late, just a whole lot of nothingness, no excitement, no fun and quite mundane. You probably knew this already Blogger world because I've not posted since Monday, when was the last time I did this without being otherwise engaged and away from a computer with an internet connection? Exactly! That said, it's been kind of cool all the same, I'm not one to go chasing after the highlife everyday of the week and I do need some quite time every now and then. I just wish that I had nothing to report tonight but unfortunately I do, I say unfortunately because it's not exactly the best news ever.

I don't think I told you this at the time but I painted the thumbnail on my left hand and the little fingernail on my right hand black on Saturday night, just gone; and I must say I did a great job this time around - it looked much better than my first couple of doomed attempts during my last weekend off. To me it looked very subtle, hardly noticeable in fact, but it was still a statement of intent in my mind. It was my self-expression - this is me, I am not afraid of who I am and I can still be liberated to some degree even in the confines of work. That and I guess a little bit of rebellion, I do like rebelling against typecast - being a little bit different, making people think twice and just standing out from the crowd. I am not and never will be one who follows the crowd just because it's the "in" thing to do, to try and be cool, and to try and fit in. This is easier said than done within work admittedly, but my nail painting exercise was the means to this end. 

So I have been in work since Sunday with my two painted fingernails and have not encountered a major problem; there have been some raised eyebrows and some daft questions from people who have noticed them, but all in all it has been accepted. I was kind of nervous to be honest at first, it was a brave step for me to take, but as the days past I became more comfortable and confident with the look. That's until today when the General Managers attention was drawn to my painted nails, he had not noticed himself all week, it took an unfortunate comment to make him realise, still he was not impressed. He did not say so himself, he passed it onto my line manager who informed me that the nail paint had to go along with a pathetic excuse as to why - so pathetic that I cannot even recall it. 

This upset and angered me, perhaps it shouldn't have done but it did. I just don't understand any of it - in my eyes it does not cause offence, it does not hurt anyone and it does not demean me nor the company any. I'm just trying to be proud of who I am, is that such a crime? And where is the major issue anyway? I mean female staff members can wear nail varnish and some male members of staff have tattoos all over their hands, so where is the difference? Which is worse? Because I do not have any of the answers to these questions and I am not being biased in my opinions here. 

Some people just do not understand or do not want to understand. Their little bigoted minds refuse them to see the bigger picture and do not allow them to realise that not everyone wants to live and act in the same way that they do. Just because it's different to their perception does not necessarily mean it is wrong. I do not conform to their ideals and they do not understand it so I am treated like an animal because it's easier to be locked up in cage or have my wings clipped than it is to sit down and talk to me. Or worse still I am categorised into a neat little pigeonhole, I was called a goth on numerous occasions today. How dare anyone, particularly those that so obviously do not understand me, choose to judge me or my life. Such narrow mindedness beggars belief.

So I spent the rest of my day alone, in a bad mood and unwilling to talk; which gave my mind more time to mull over the pathetic set of circumstance, which in turn angered and upset me even more. I should have taken some time out and made a phone call or sat down with a friend and got it out of my system but, well.............

Enjoy the photo friends because soon the nail varnish will be gone, it will be just a memory. Yes, I could fight and continue to rebel but no-one likes a disobedient boy; besides the underdog does not always win as I always hoped they did like in those Hollywood films. I never wanted to be a film star anyway I just wanted an opportunity to walk unafraid.