I get tongue-tied

Sometimes my mind just can't find the words for whatever reason. Tonight is one of those times; anyway I think such words are best kept on a personal level. So here's couple of videos of Bloc Party for you instead; which kind of makes up for the words that are missing.

I get tongue-tied....................

and I .......

night time slows, raindrops splash rainbows
perhaps someone you know,
could sparkle and shine
as daydreams slide to colour from shadow
picture the moonglow, that dazzles my eyes
and i love you

just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime

dreams of sights, of sleigh rides in seasons
where feelings not reasons,
can make you decide
as leaves pour down, splash autumn on gardens
as colder nights harden,
their moonlit delights
and i love you

just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime

look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
i'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you

if love's the truth then look no lies
and let me swim around your eyes
i've found a place i'll never leave
shut my mouth and just believe
love is the truth i realize
not a stream of pretty lies
to use us up and waste our time

lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime

look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
i'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
pure and simple just for you

Oh gosh these are the lyrics to the song below; and I didn't really make myself overly clear with the post last night. This is for you, thanks for always being there, even when I don't deserve it; this is what you have made me.... a much better person. I read the email too, I guess I was meant to, thank you. Your true identity is now known and you are now officially cute; I just love your hair, your eyes, your smile, you. Damn you're hot babes xxxxxxxxxxxx.

Pure

Gosh I so love this song, isn't it just so beautiful? I heard it today on the radio - the first time I've heard it in years. What a pure sentiment within the song, I guess that's where the title came from. But more to the point it just kind of reflects my life at the moment, right here and right now. That's what I immediately thought when I heard it today. That's why I'm sharing it here, for everyone and someone xxxxxxxx.

I'm a geek

It's true yesterday I was told I looked like a geek in my work uniform; and this came from a friend. Not that I mind, in fact I think it's a compliment, I think it's kind of cool to look a bit of a geek. The conversation came about because this friend said she could not envisage me outside of work dressed in regular clothes, which is a fair comment because she just knows me from seeing me at work and the uniform never changes. Hence, my work clothes with the glasses and all make me look like a geek, in her eyes anyway. As long as I don't start acting like a geek then I'm cool with it. 

In fact I have been mulling over buying a new pair of glasses and I have seen some that would suit this geek look; and this was before the comment was made. I think a pair of glasses can just change your look so drastically with little effort, I mean I have to wear them anyway, so different pairs depending on my mood or the look I want to achieve would be beneficial. These ones are cheap too, which is a major bonus and really got me thinking of updating my glasses wardrobe; they're like £24.00 with the lenses - bargain!

So somewhere above there's a photo of them, what do you think - the style, the colour? I'm not sure if they'll suit my face but you can send them back within 30 days for a full refund. Decisions, decisions, help me out here boys and girls. 

Chasing boys

So with a foot that was hurting bad and tender to walk on it probably wasn't the best idea to get involved in a foot chase with some bad boys at work today; but that's my job and I couldn't resist. 

As soon as the assistance call came in I was off running like a shot, the adrenalin began to kick in and I could feel no pain. 

It was a fine foot chase too, up and down the hills of this fare town. I surprised myself actually, the bad boy who was younger in years than me had a fair old head start, but I was chasing him down to some tune. It felt good to know I still have it and can mix it up with the younger generation despite a foot injury. He was eventually hunted down. Once the situation was over and I had caught my breath and calmed down the irony of the situation was implausible to both myself and my colleagues. 

It was a situation I could only ever dream of whilst at work; me chasing boys all over Stockport, shouting "Oh please come back sexy boy I promise I won't hurt you". No wonder I found myself running so fast, ha, ha!! Joking aside I saw two seriously hot guys out and about today, the things you see when you're working and can't do anything about it, damn! But the thoughts I had - they were proper sexy; oh to have some time alone with either of them, or even better both of them. This isn't a joke either and I'm not making it up to make someone feel better, but one of the guys I saw reminded me very much of a certain someone else, with his pinstriped formal trousers and shirt on. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and it has been a while; it's been too long babes. xxx.

Temper, temper

I don't think I've ever mentioned this to you blogger world but I have an atrociously bad temper. It's not often I show it, I'm mostly a cool and placid kind of guy and it takes a huge effort for people to anger me; for me to retaliate. But with the insignificant things of life and inanimate objects I just lose it so easily; again it doesn't happen often, but when it does watch out. 

I guess I am a man of extremes but when I go - I go big time; it scares me seriously because I lose every ounce of self control and thrash out at anything. Once, many years ago I was asked by a health professional if I needed anger management after I ended up in hospital with a broken hand after trying to break a television screen by punching it. Have you any idea how hard the old CRT television screens are? The screen was unscathed whilst my hand was messed up to some tune. I've calmed down a great deal since then and for the most part I can maintain some self control, well barring this morning that is............

I was rushing around at the last minute, as per usual, getting ready for work; and as a result I found it difficult to fasten my pride/friendship bracelet. After several failed attempts I could feel the anger welling up inside so I put the bracelet in my pocket, tried to calm myself and went downstairs for breakfast. After breakfast I tried once again to fasten the bracelet but time after time I could not do this simplest of tasks and fasten the bracelet. Now, I am a bad loser so instead of quitting I continue to try to fasten it and all the while I'm getting seriously angry, until......... I finally admit defeat and throw the bracelet across the room and kick out at the kitchen table catching it full on with the side of my right foot. This is a heavy table and it knows the fact, so instead of ducking it stands its' ground and my foot comes off a hell of a lot worse. I managed to move the table a couple of inches across the floor which I was kind of pleased about but the pain that began to shoot through my foot soon quelled any joy. 

Man did it hurt, serious pain; and through my first hour at work I found it real difficult to walk on, I thought I might have to go to the hospital and join Ian in the foot specialist department. But I soldiered on and the pain began to dissipate with the day; it still hurts some and it's kind of swollen around the side; but it's not turned black or anything so I guess there's nothing broken? Anyway we'll see how it feels and looks tomorrow after resting it for the night before I convince myself again there is no need to seek help (sound familiar)! At least my bracelet survived better, it's still in one piece but the spring clasp has been broken making it even more difficult to actually fasten. 

So the last thing I needed with a hurting foot was a foot chase around Stockport today, so guess what happens? 

Career change

I'm thinking of a career change blogger friends and I thought I would announce it to you all here first because I love you all so much, oh gosh a gay moment! It's going to be a drastic change in direction so hold onto your hats.

The thought came to me today during my lunch break and it came right out of the blue. I gave my best girlfriend (wagging tongues alert) some life advice today and I was really sincere with it, honestly - no joke. It was very much meant and heartfelt, I am a very caring person underneath all the nonsense. So I thought I've missed my way in life - this is my true calling, to help people experiencing difficulty in their lives. I am going to become a life coach, help people get their lives in order and charge them huge sums of money for my expertise, to bring peace and calm to them. I think it's a winning idea, I could channel all my positive energy into their life and teach them the error of their ways. What do you think? You want the truth? Okay...........

I did give a tiny bit of advice about eating something even when you don't want anything (thinking best girlfriend had not ate anything all day, which turned out to be wrong) but it was a genuine and sincere comment on my behalf. Once I'd finished my sermon the irony in the statement immediately dawned upon me; and I found it so funny. 

There's me giving someone life advice; and not just a random person but my best girlfriend who has been less then impressed with my recent behavior about not seeking advice when I'm feeling down. Bad person to pick to be my first patient, you know? Mr not-the-most-secure-person-in-the-world-you've-ever-met (that's a true statement I don't need any more phone calls, emails or one-to-ones telling me I should not be putting myself down all the time - I know! But come on that is a true statement) dishing out advice, I mean who would listen anyway? No-one I hope!

But if you're a friend and you need some help or advice - I'll always try and be there for you; and do what I can to make the situation better. That's the truth and that's a promise, my friends are always there for me - it's the least I can do. xxxx

Guess who?

Hello blogger world as you've probably guessed I'm back; still feeling fragile but getting better. I think I am now good enough to blog; the stuff that was dragging me down has now been sorted in my mind to some degree - it was sorted alone which upset some very close friends. I can understand why but I'm not going to make such public; those that are the closest to me know the truth and that's all that matters. But I will send out a public thank you to those that mean something in my life, to those that tried to help and understand despite my derision; and despite speaking or writing words that were not very nice. Those words were not correct and I feel ashamed to have spoken or written them when I know much better. Sorry for the hurt and thank you for being there and caring, it means so much xxx.

If I am truthful I meant everything within my last post and I was not going to blog again because I thought that I was sharing too much and giving everything about me away to everyone that knew me personally. The thought scared me so much, for I am a real private guy in reality, I'll share the very true thoughts I have with a select few, everything else gets the ink on here if I so wish. This weekend proved that this is not the case, despite what I choose to share on here, most people who know me personally continue to misunderstand and misinterpret me; which is good in my eyes. It's my safety barrier to keep my private life just so, most people can think what they wish about me, the further it is away from the truth the more comfortable I feel. Regardless of anything else this blog is for my benefit and it would have been foolish to stop it due to other people.

But I cannot believe that the same old story reared its' head again this weekend, the dream I had months ago, it's back on the agenda. Some people just don't know when to quit and do not keep up with my posts; what else do I have to do? It still makes me laugh so much with all the guesses to the mystery identity and it's always the same names, most of them would make me gag in horror. I am not that well understood at all and I only ever tell the exact truth to, well, guess who? 

Peace out to you boys and girls, here's a wish for us all to encounter happier times. 

Goodbye

There are a lot of things in life I do not understand and I continue to struggle with them. As a result they make me upset and unhappy. It is unwise of me to continue to blog during such times. I have been guilty of over-sharing anyway. Goodbye for now maybe we'll meet up again sometime in the future and I'll have happier stories to tell. You have helped me blogger, thank you xxx.

Stop

Please.........

Upset

Life has been boring of late, just a whole lot of nothingness, no excitement, no fun and quite mundane. You probably knew this already Blogger world because I've not posted since Monday, when was the last time I did this without being otherwise engaged and away from a computer with an internet connection? Exactly! That said, it's been kind of cool all the same, I'm not one to go chasing after the highlife everyday of the week and I do need some quite time every now and then. I just wish that I had nothing to report tonight but unfortunately I do, I say unfortunately because it's not exactly the best news ever.

I don't think I told you this at the time but I painted the thumbnail on my left hand and the little fingernail on my right hand black on Saturday night, just gone; and I must say I did a great job this time around - it looked much better than my first couple of doomed attempts during my last weekend off. To me it looked very subtle, hardly noticeable in fact, but it was still a statement of intent in my mind. It was my self-expression - this is me, I am not afraid of who I am and I can still be liberated to some degree even in the confines of work. That and I guess a little bit of rebellion, I do like rebelling against typecast - being a little bit different, making people think twice and just standing out from the crowd. I am not and never will be one who follows the crowd just because it's the "in" thing to do, to try and be cool, and to try and fit in. This is easier said than done within work admittedly, but my nail painting exercise was the means to this end. 

So I have been in work since Sunday with my two painted fingernails and have not encountered a major problem; there have been some raised eyebrows and some daft questions from people who have noticed them, but all in all it has been accepted. I was kind of nervous to be honest at first, it was a brave step for me to take, but as the days past I became more comfortable and confident with the look. That's until today when the General Managers attention was drawn to my painted nails, he had not noticed himself all week, it took an unfortunate comment to make him realise, still he was not impressed. He did not say so himself, he passed it onto my line manager who informed me that the nail paint had to go along with a pathetic excuse as to why - so pathetic that I cannot even recall it. 

This upset and angered me, perhaps it shouldn't have done but it did. I just don't understand any of it - in my eyes it does not cause offence, it does not hurt anyone and it does not demean me nor the company any. I'm just trying to be proud of who I am, is that such a crime? And where is the major issue anyway? I mean female staff members can wear nail varnish and some male members of staff have tattoos all over their hands, so where is the difference? Which is worse? Because I do not have any of the answers to these questions and I am not being biased in my opinions here. 

Some people just do not understand or do not want to understand. Their little bigoted minds refuse them to see the bigger picture and do not allow them to realise that not everyone wants to live and act in the same way that they do. Just because it's different to their perception does not necessarily mean it is wrong. I do not conform to their ideals and they do not understand it so I am treated like an animal because it's easier to be locked up in cage or have my wings clipped than it is to sit down and talk to me. Or worse still I am categorised into a neat little pigeonhole, I was called a goth on numerous occasions today. How dare anyone, particularly those that so obviously do not understand me, choose to judge me or my life. Such narrow mindedness beggars belief.

So I spent the rest of my day alone, in a bad mood and unwilling to talk; which gave my mind more time to mull over the pathetic set of circumstance, which in turn angered and upset me even more. I should have taken some time out and made a phone call or sat down with a friend and got it out of my system but, well.............

Enjoy the photo friends because soon the nail varnish will be gone, it will be just a memory. Yes, I could fight and continue to rebel but no-one likes a disobedient boy; besides the underdog does not always win as I always hoped they did like in those Hollywood films. I never wanted to be a film star anyway I just wanted an opportunity to walk unafraid. 

Blushed days

Good evening Blogger world I trust I find you all happy and well? Today has proven to be a total reverse of yesterday, from unsocial to super-sociable today, it has been a very good day. It's not often these days that I can be found in  such an unsociable mood and when they do arise for whatever reason they do not tend to last so long. There are friends I have to thank for this, for me being a much happier person with myself and the world in general, but I think they already know this to be true. Despite the fact that maybe sometimes I still do find it difficult to communicate my truths on a personal basis, I do still suffer from shyness boys and girls.

Anyway I blushed today, I was told I did but there was no need because I know I did, I could feel my cheeks burning up. It was kind of embarrassing, not in a bad way, but..... I don't know why really. It was the truth and it was very sweet and kind; still it just clams me up sometimes. But we had a real good laugh over it and I saw the funny side despite the leg pulling. 

So yes, I got on real well with everyone, even the person who called me a whore again - yet again I have been labelled a whore! Still it was a most enjoyable, sociable day at work; I was told by some guy in one of the shops he had a dream about me last night - not in a sexual way, but I take it as a compliment regardlessly and I have been invited around to dinner after work on Thursday by Derek B. Isn't that just so sweet and kind? I know a lot of people do not like him a great deal but his heart is in the right place and when he strips away the facade he sometimes projects I think he's a nice guy; and he thinks of me which is very nice. So I may just take him up on the offer, free food, beer and company is too good to resist - gosh I am easy aren't I? Mystery whore labeller perhaps you are correct in your assumptions! Only joking, mind it depends on how much free beer is consumed! Joking again. 

Days filled with fun, laughter, friends, compliments and truths - despite the odd embarrassment; thank you - you are all very kind. xxx 

A day late

Well, for the second time in recent memory I could not believe my horoscope within the Metro newspaper today. Isn't it just so spooky? It's a day late admittedly but they don't print the newspaper over the weekend. I'm referring back to my last post yesterday, if you've not read it, well it's a longer version of this horoscope. I have major respect for whoever predicts the horoscopes, it was just so incredibly true - unbelievable. I don't even begin to understand stuff like this it just amazes me. 

Awkwardness

Today I was working and I was incredibly unsociable, not in a nasty way but I just did not feel comfortable mixing with people. I kept myself to myself and it turned out to be a long and boring day as a result. Sometimes... I don't know - I guess I just need to be alone sometimes. As much as I enjoy being around people for the most part there are times they fail to inspire me or I don't want to talk to them. So, I'm sorry if any of my friends got the cold shoulder at work today, it's nothing personal. No-one upset me either and I'm not feeling down so there's no need to misinterpret this. 

I think the problem lies a couple of days back - I've been fielding some awkward questions from other people at work recently. Questions about my sexuality - here follows the contradiction; I share loads of stuff with you blogger world and I've not been shy in admitting I'm gay to you and many others I know personally. But, although I know the people who've been asking the questions I just don't know them enough, does that make sense? I don't trust them, it takes a lot for me to trust people, to let them into my life, to be truthful. Besides they don't know me that well either, they're not my friends and neither I nor them have anything to gain by answering such questions. So why bother, you know?

I guess people can ask and expect too much of me at times, those that do not know me personally anyway. I just don't understand their motives at times. I'm a guy they see walking past their shops, I call in and chat to them occasionally, it's my job - I'm friendly and sociable without being overly personable with them. But that does not give them the right to know every single minute detail about my private life. 

So I didn't know how to answer their questions, I didn't want to lie but I didn't want to tell the truth either, I just felt uncomfortable with the whole affair. In the end I evaded the questions completely because I think it may have got out of hand; they may have overstepped the boundaries that I find acceptable. I lost a bit of confidence through it. I needed a day without any further questions of that nature, I can still be shy, that's all. 

Back for moore

I read in the Metro newspaper last week about a company that produces personalised erotic fiction. Personalised as you provide your name, the name of your lover, favourite drink, food etc; and it transplants it all into a racy erotic novel. I've just checked out their website, it's proper cool - you can even input some personal details and get a free extract of how the novel will read. 

It's also gay friendly, as well as the straight story lines they do gay and lesbian too. No guesses to which one I checked out but it does at it promises, I would copy and post it here but it is very explicit. 

Well worth checking out even if it's just for the free extract as the books cost £26.95 each. But I guess as a gift with a difference for your loved one it could be a price worth paying? The address is http://www.ustarnovels.com/index.asp

Over 18s only now boys and girls, don't be naughty.

Oh gosh....

.... what a sight to behold, you took my breath away when I saw you today. You are aware what I think of you already, but man let me tell you it just got better, you are sexy babes - damn!

If you go out looking like that all the boys will be running after you, seriously! Let's just hope they're hot and cute, I'm sure they will be - I've got serious competition now haven't I? You have just raised the bar to another level. 

I guess it was a kind of brave move, but it pays off big time. I could go on but I do not want to draw any undue attention nor any embarrassment. Still as long as you know this is about you that's all that matters. Love to you xxx. 

Poetry blog

Hello there blogger world, I trust I find you all happy and well? Just a heads up to let you know I have created another blog, dedicated solely to my poetry. I am writing poetry quite often at the moment and have decided to give it a blog of its' own - to save trawling through all the random non-poetry related posts on here. It just makes it easier and makes more sense.
The blog is called "Blinded By Nothingness" and the link to it is within the random links folder on the left hand side or from my profile. I hope you enjoy it - any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

And I've also changed the text colour on all my blogs which now makes it a lot easier to read on cheap TFT monitors, well the ones at work anyway! If you were affected by this then you should be able to read the words I write a little easier; and no I don't think your monitor is cheap. 

I nowhere

Tongue tied

Twisted

Built up

To fall

To pieces

Again

Heartfelt

Mouth sewn

Numb

With feeling

- - - - -

Truths

Lamented

Too much

To bear

To speak

Words

Transparent

As fog

Lingers

For dreamers

- - - - -

Lost

In sunsets

Eyes bleed

Beautifully

A paradox

Mutating

Circus lights

Painted

The clown

Tear stained

- - - - -

Moments

Take hours

Hours

Make dust

Forlorn

Forgotten

Unfulfilled

A promise

So fast

So untrue

- - - - -

In memory

Uncharted

A wilderness

Flowering

Unnoticed

Leaves fall

Gracelessly

Hopelessly

Smiling

Laughing

- - - - -

A name

Unanswered

A face

Still ringing

A crying

To no-one

So sad

Crossed out

Calling

To you

- - - - -

Running

In moonlight

Chasing

Down starlight

Crumbling

To dust

I know

My destination

I Know

Nowhere

Oh my......
And this I do mean - this is the closest I have ever come in recent memory to just telling the truth straight out. The poem is called "I nowhere."

Blown away

I've not much time tonight blogger world but I need to post this. I was blown away today, what a great day, what great people I have in my life. Sometimes I fail or forget to realise what beautiful friends and family I have in my life; this has been a real wake up call. I am blessed in so many ways and I am so very lucky. The gifts, cards and kind words are so very much appreciated - to me it's incomprehensible. There really is no need and I honestly do not understand your generosity, it is beyond words but it has moved me all the same. I could so easily cry tears of happiness - you people astound me and give reason to this often unreasonable world. 

Today was my birthday - you all made it a very happy one, thank you. With love xxxx.

Nice pants

Okay, I've been serious for once in my life, would you mind if I returned to my normal self now? No? Thank goodness. I wouldn't want to leave you all tonight without having a little bit of fun. I've just received an email from iwantpants.com with the best pair of pants ever. Aren't they the most glamourous, cutest pants you've ever seen? Wouldn't you just so love the guy that you undressed to find he was sporting a pair of these? 

But why are they so expensive? I mean £21.53 a pair is a lot of money isn't it? Even for a guy like me who throws money away on the daftest of things. But if there are any guys out there who either own a pair or are willing to buy me a pair (I'm a size medium) I could make it worth your while, perhaps even arrange a bum! Come on, it is my birthday tomorrow and valentines day a couple of days later; someone prove to me romance is not dead.

Is such a deal paramount to solicitation? This is going to get people talking again isn't it? Perhaps it's not such a good idea after all. 

Why do I never seem to learn.....? 

The link to buy them is http://www.iwantpants.com/ginch-gonch-cupidity-sport-brief-43492-0.html

Man slut

I have a love/hate relationship with people, this is no secret; I think anyone that actually knows me will agree with this statement. They can be a source of great inspiration, of fun and laughter to me and can also drag me down to the depths of despair; all in the same day. But they intrigue me all the same - it is a great mystery that I will never be able to understand; to the point where just when I think I've had enough of being sociable it pulls me back for more. This process can take some time admittedly but it usually always happens. 

Intrigue is the key to this post. Last week I was called a slag and a whore by someone, it's been well documented in the archive. I would normally take offence to such words - I take offence at a whole lot less normally; but I didn't. Whether it was said in jest or not is immaterial because it intrigues me, totally and utterly, I find the whole scenario compelling. 

I have never been called a slag or a whore by anyone before, they're not nice words to use are they? And they should not be spoken lightly? But I don't mind being labeled as such, if that's what the person thinks of me then fine, everyone is entitled to an opinion. And I like their bravado and forthright attitude in being able to say so; I could say they were being judgmental but I won't. If that's what they perceive of me then so be it and I am not writing this to try and change their mind or opinion. 

What I can't understand is how they have come to such a conclusion. This is the part that intrigues me so, I love the mystery of how the human mind works. How does this person view my life to make such remarks? Maybe they are using their life as a moral benchmark to perceive mine, it is a logical train of thought, I do it myself and I'm sure everyone does. But it still does not answer the perception theory, of how what little of my life they know is enough to draw such conclusions. I think they take a casual interest in this blog and I talk to them and tell them some personal things; but that does not make a man. I do not always tell the truth and a great deal of what I say or write is tinged with humour. Sometimes I say or write things just to get a reaction or to cause a misconception; it's a means to an end and nothing more. 

Perhaps I'm reading too much into the whole scenario and it's just some sort of payback, we have an uneasy friendship - if you can even call it a friendship. I believe I upset them from time to time and they sure do the same to me. Perhaps I've upset them recently and this is just payback time; it would be a shame if this were the truth and there was nothing more. I know I can make a mockery of life and of people; and I find humour in the strangest of places but it's just me. It is never anything personal but I can understand how some people may not see the funny side. 

I just wish we could sit down over a coffee and talk this through openly and honestly; to strip away the mystery and try and find some truths, but I think we are already too far gone. I don't think we could ever find a level upon which we are both comfortable to bring our truths to the table. Perhaps the only truth is that I am a slag and a whore, but that's for me to know and everyone else to perceive. Regardless of whatever is fact and whatever is fiction it's irrelevant to a mind already set on believing its' own truth anyway.

The title and the t-shirt image is not an attempt to make a mockery of this post, it's just there to prove I am not taking this whole thing personally. Peace out boys and girls, until later xx.

Honesty

I've not been ignoring you Blogger friends, I've just had nothing of note to say really and I've not been doing anything naughty to keep me from you......? I've just been in a real chilled out, kind of not letting anything bother me mood; and I've just let life slide on by. It's been good all the same I also like times like these - it brings balance to my world.

I think I'm also starting with a cold which also kind of mutes my mood, slows me down some; I hope it does not manifest itself into a full blown affair, I don't like being ill, I guess no one does. My birthday is also playing a part in my retreating mind, as usual I've been going around telling the world it's my birthday tomorrow; and I know I shouldn't. I do not like attention, honestly, and I know there will be people who will jump upon a bandwagon and say I'm a liar but it is the truth. I am such a private, insular guy most of the time; and you may call me a hypocrite because I share so much on here for the world to see; but appearances can be deceiving my friends. I share what I want to share - this is not my whole life personified, it's edited down to the parts that I'm comfortable sharing. 

So, as you've probably guessed I'm in an honest, non-mischievous frame of mind this evening. I may have another go at giving some ink to an issue I have yet to address correctly.

Deep purple

Passing the Manchester Apollo on the way to The Lowry last night someone noticed Deep Purple are due to play there in November. Do you remember Deep Purple? They've been off the radar a while haven't they? Admittedly I own a piece of vinyl by them, Live In London from the 70's; and it is a great album and they did sound great live. Hailed at the time as the loudest band in the world and I do not deny that statement. 

But that was some 30 years ago now, that's a long old time in anyone's book; and longer than the person who wants to go has been alive. But I'm not one to mock another persons musical choice, although it is kind of bizarre how music knows no generational boundaries. To be honest I received an email from ticketmaster last week and I noticed Deep Purple live at the Apollo and I did think what a great venue to see a full on rock band. 

So not being one to deny another persons dream I've just ordered a couple of tickets for us, it's along time off yet and it made quick work of £90, but we are here only once after all. I just hope they've still got what it takes to rock the world with "Smoke on the water" et al, they live long enough to actually play the concert, and we remain "friends" long enough to go along together. 

Granddad rock at our age, oh my.... old before our time. Love to you xx.

Not to be missed

Ray Lamontagne at The Lowry Salford, last night, what a night, what a gig; the whole experience was just incredible. It's the first time I've been to The Lowry and what a venue, real kind of posh and not exactly the place to go wearing blue and black nail varnish - I got some strange looks, I think we both did, I think they kind of guessed you know? I'm much more used to the rock n roll edge of venues like the Manchester Apollo, but you live and learn; anyway it would be boring if we were all the same. 

What a real small and intimate venue, absolutely perfect for such an artist. We were in Row C of the front circle and were still so close to the stage with an uninterrupted view. The staff were just brilliant, you could tell it was not a normal concert venue; the vast majority of them were old dears dressed in purple Lowry t-shirts, I kid you not - just so surreal. I don't know what would have happened if it had kicked off anywhere, they would probably appease you with their knitting needles. 

Priscilla Ahn was the support act, an American folky singer, songwriter I have never heard of before. But what a funny girl, spinning tales of life back home in small town America in between songs. Talking about the one cop in the town that had a penchant for shooting dogs, poetry, tits and living in trees; serious entertainment. She reminded me a lot of Laura Veirs, if you are familiar? Priscilla played from 8.00 to 8.40 and had the audience in raptures, a perfect aperitif.

Ray and his band came on stage at 9.00 and blew the place apart, for American folk it was seriously rocking. I have seen Ray once before, must be 2 years ago at the Manchester Apollo and was far from impressed, he seemed uncomfortable and overawed by the venue. No problems here, the band played real tight and Ray's voice just awesome, I have never heard any other live act who could match him on last nights performance; and I've seen some real big hitters. Just so much power, rough and ready, smooth and mellow, anguish and grief mixed into every note - beyond any words I could possibly convey. And the sound mix and acoustics within the venue were heavenly - it brought the music in all it's raw intimacy to life. 

He must have been in fine form because Ray actually spoke to the audience, the shyest man in music speaking directly to the crowd - a real collectors item. Someone asked him how he liked Manchester and he replied, "I've not had much time but I've noticed lots of cranes and concrete, pretty much like any other place, I guess; but I'm glad to see you all here tonight - (silence) - oh come on I mean it guys" There followed a rapturous applause, if you know of Ray you would understand - a man of no words whilst performing. 

We were expecting the gig to last no longer than an hour and a half; but with the encore he played almost two hours of musical nirvana. Highlights, if I had to pick being Let It Be Me - which almost brought me to tears and made the hairs on my neck stand; a stunning cover of When Something Is Wrong With My Baby - perhaps even better than the original by Sam Moore; and the closer Jolene. 

The best sub £20 gig I have ever seen, the best vocal performance I have ever heard, one of the best gigs period - easily ranking in the realms of Neil Young, Lou Reed and Bruce Springsteen. If you are lucky enough to have a ticket for any of the stops of his current tour, you are in for a serious treat; one not to be missed. 

Set List:

you are the best thing

forever my friend
let it be me
i still care for you
empty
henry nearly killed me (it's a shame)
home 
burn
winter birds
all the wild horses
meg white
you can bring me flowers 
shelter
trouble
===========
when something is wrong with my baby
three more days
gossip in the grain
jolene

Oh my...

Parody of self

Feed me / feed me / can't you hear me howl / feed me / 'cause I'm a DAMN DOG now. Ha, ha!!

Lazy sundays....

Fine music, fine company, fine memories. No problems, no worries, no hassles. Just happy, relaxed, carefree. Looking forward to seeing Ray Lamontagne tonight. I love lazy Sundays....

Adventures in time travel

Time for an experiment dear readers, we are going to partake in time travel, I kid you not! Do I hear sniggering in the background? Do you think it is impossible for a mere mortal such as I to do such a thing? Watch and learn my friends, this is no optical illusion, I have magical powers. Take note of the day and time of my last post "Commercial break" and this post. Then wait and I promise to take you all on an adventure back in time.

Does my bum look gay?

That's me ironing my jeans - a mans work is never done my friends! What do you think of my boxers? I think they're kind of funky and they're the perfect match for my socks. I am a little uneasy about wearing them, I think I'm getting a complex. I have heard that there are many people who think I sleep with men, me of all people, you know? So do you think my underwear choice makes my bum look gay? I don't want to encourage this rumour any further!!

Save all your kisses for me

No, I've not joined a Brotherhood Of Man supporters club; was it Brotherhood Of Man that sang that? I'm not sure now, but I'm sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong. I'm talking about my socks boys and girls, they do look top if I say so myself; and they compliment my choice of clothing perfectly. 

My oh my, will I look a pretty boy out on the streets tonight, it's almost a shame I've got company already - joke alert, sorry, there is no-one else I could think of that I would rather spend time with and save my kisses for, oh bless. xx

So here we go blogger world, have a very nice night, have fun and be safe in whatever you find yourself doing. I'll wish you happy thoughts whoever and wherever you are, love to the world xx.

Does exactly what it says on the t-shirt

Look out Manchester, here comes the t-shirt! A world premiere, it's been a long time coming but it's worth the wait. Gay t-shirt, gay nails, gay boxers, gay socks and a gay friend - do you think people will get the message?

What have I become my friends? Unafraid, that's all. Live life for today people, tomorrow will take care of itself. Mind, that's if we make it home safely, there are many people in this world who suffer from intolerance and do not mind showing it. Life on the edge, there is no need but we'll take that chance. Perhaps we should take kung-fu Kimber with us as a bodyguard, can you imagine the scene? Ian dressed up in his kung-fu suit in a gay part of town. The unwanted attention, the village people gone wrong. Hilarious!!

Not a joke

How many gay men does it take to apply nail varnish correctly? I don't really know the answer but it is definitely more than two! Man, it is so difficult, I didn't realise how difficult - it started to upset me some. It just takes so much time, concentration and patience - things I do not possess a lot of. Neither of us could master the art, we ended up with varnish on fingers, thumbs, hands, trousers and the kitchen table; and there's only me wearing it! I've used more varnish remover than varnish itself in clearing up all the mistakes. But we finally got there, it's far from perfect but it will do and I think it looks cool.

I tried painting my nails last night whilst drinking beer and texting on my mobile and I think I did a better job for it, but life goes on. The things you find yourself doing in an attempt to express yourself and stand out from the crowd. I blame it on being Aquarius, do you realise how difficult it is to be born under this star sign readers? That and being gay, it's way too much to bear at times, I'll tell you. 

So now were running kind of late, but that's unimportant because we'll just stay out later, perfect excuse. 

Gay underwear boogie

Oh my.... I was sober and alone when I filmed this earlier this afternoon - can you ever imagine what I'm like when I'm out with someone familiar and drunk? If you can find us tonight you may find out, best of luck. I pity you my friend xx. 

That's me doing some strange dance whilst wearing a pair of neon pink stripy boxers and little else. I forgot I owned boxers like them, I've got a few pairs of brightly coloured ones that will match perfectly with my new socks. I own so much underwear it's unbelievable, if I had a rough idea of how many pairs and I told you, you would look at me strange. 

I have no idea why I filmed this and why I feel obliged to share it with you, but there you go. If it makes you laugh then it has done it's job. I think it's the funniest and stupidest thing I have ever done in front of a camera. The song I'm dancing to is Intergalactic by The Beastie Boys. I've had a Beastie Boys day on the stereo, proper old school hip-hop, sounds much better then how the camera's picked it up. 

Must go, it's time to paint my nails. xx

Normal service is resumed

Hello there blogger world, readers, followers and friends, apologies for the break in service. Please be assured that normal service has now resumed. Did you think my last post was truthful and serious? No, it was just me being mischievous, I am naughty at times - I will chastise myself later. I hope I did not worry you any with the break, you see I've been storing the posts up so it appeared I was taking a break; then bang, look out here they come. When was the last time I listened to anyone or took their advice anyway? Yes, you know me right?

But I was labeled a slut and a whore yesterday by someone but I do not honestly care. Besides I took the comments as a joke and I believe that's all they were meant to be; I am not having a go at the person that spoke the words. Anyway I know I am not a slut or a whore; and that's all that matters, the truth in my mind. 

So I took a situation and made a big deal of it, spun a tale out of it; that sounds all too familiar doesn't it? I appreciate there are many people who are unable to differentiate between my truth and my humour, either on here or when I talk to them personally. Believe as much as you want but please believe one thing that is my truth, it is never my intention to deliberately set out to hurt someone; be it through my actions or words, never. Love to you all xxx.

Commercial break

Yesterday someone said I was a slag and a whore, I think the words were said with a hint of joviality but still they've stuck with me and I cannot get them out of my head. This person kind of knows me and I have told them some personal stuff, so maybe they are right, I honestly do not know for sure. I live with myself and maybe cannot see the bigger picture around me. Perhaps I need the intervention of someone like that, to label me such horrible words, to make me see what I have been doing wrong; if it is wrong? But there's plenty of truth said in jest, I should know because I do exactly the same, so maybe.....

It's not an issue with this person, in fact I thank them for saying it, I appreciate the truth over anything else, even if it is not my truth or what I want to hear. You are very brave. So I think it's time to call this episode of my life to a close and maybe sit back, think and grow up some. No more painting my nails, wearing gay t-shirts or garish socks. No more internet hook-ups, going out getting drunk, making a fool of myself and sleeping with men whose names I cannot remember the next day. It is not kind to myself and I do not know how I let myself grow into this kind of person.

So this weekend has been cancelled as a result, it hurts admittedly but perhaps it is what I need, some time alone to myself to figure out how it all went wrong. I have been foolish and I need to learn. It's time for a commercial break. 

Way too much

Friends.... sometimes they just blow me away completely. Today I was dumbstruck, speechless for the first time since whenever the last time was; I just did not know what to say - I still don't. I guess I cannot comprehend such acts of pure, unadulterated kindness; because I do not see any need. 

Today I received an early birthday gift from a friend - that's what blew me away. It's an eeyore cookie jar, it's beautiful; and as you may know blogger friends I love eeyore. He will become a treasured part of my happy and ever growing family. I am just so grateful; grateful beyond words but it kind of embarrassed me some too, because I do not deserve it, I did not expect it and it is way too much.

Without hoping to sound like I'm beating myself down I'm just an ordinary guy, nothing special and I just kind of live my life how I see fit. I try not to let the world and the nasty people, who unfortunately inhabit it too, grind me down. I look out for my friends and try to treat them how I wish to be treated; that's all. If there's fun and laughter to be had along the way then that's a bonus. It's a simple life I lead and it's a simple outlook I have on life - it suits me. 

If I inspire, help or entertain my friends it's just me being me - those that I allow into my life enough to trust are worthy of such attention ipso-facto, it's not open to debate. And to be truthfully honest I need the help of my friends more than they need mine; and they're much better at it than me too. 

So if I treat them to a gift it's an unwritten thank you letter to let them know that they mean something to me or they've helped me; and I value their friendship. I do not expect anything in return because their friendship within my life is more than enough. I appreciate it's my birthday soon and such times are when I may receive gifts but still, it's no excuse, it's way too much. 

However, I understand the gift bearer will not take any notice of this, I don't know why but they won't. It's a crazy sentiment all the same, it's a crazy set of circumstances that brought us together as friends in the first place; and there's plenty in life that I do not understand. But I do understand one thing, that being I am blessed to have someone like you in my life that I can call a friend. I do not know what I do to deserve it all but thank you all the same, it means so very much.

Always looking out for you xxx. 

See you there

Upon my return home from work tonight I was greeted by a very nice surprise, it shouldn't have been a surprise but it was. The tickets for the Ray Lamontagne gig at The Lowry, Salford had arrived - the gig being this Sunday night. I had completely forgot about it, hence the surprise that shouldn't have been. I ordered them last October which is fair enough but I was only talking to someone at work about it the other week; I have a memory like a nanosecond at times. 

So after a hasty phone call to my gig (amongst other things) buddy it's cool, even though he'd forgotten too. I say cool but now I'll have to keep and feed him all weekend, it's going to cost me a small fortune, but I think he's worth it - look I've gone all sentimental, oh bless.....

Joking aside it's going to be a busy weekend, out Saturday night being a drunkard fool and Sunday night at the gig, but it's been a while so we'll enjoy it all the same. It's a good job I've got a responsible adult to accompany me to the gig as the tickets state "No under 14's unless accompanied by an adult" I'm not sure if this means physical or mental age but I should now be safe on both fronts. 

If you're heading out to the gig keep a look out for us and say hi, I'll be the one wearing black and cobalt blue nail varnish in the company of a gay looking guy! We'll see you there, friends.

The slanket

Have you ever heard of a slanket fleece? No? It's news to me too, but I now know what one is thanks to QVC (Quality, Value, Convenience). It's a fleece blanket with sleeves in it so you can wear it like a fleece jumper gone wrong. Seriously, I do not joke my friends. Isn't QVC just the best place to shop from home? Where else would you find such a product? And who thinks these things up? The designer of the slanket must be either seriously deranged or have a very dry sense of humour. I mean if you're thinking of buying a slanket why not just buy a nice cardigan, jumper or dressing gown to snuggle up in and keep you warm; it's more practical and fashionable isn't it? Failing that how about a nice man to cuddle up to on these long winter nights, they are definitely more useful than a slanket; in my opinion anyway!!

Before you ask I am not sad and sat here watching QVC whilst blogging to you, I noticed it on the website - I check it out each day to see what the TSV (Todays Special Value) is. Okay, you may have noticed I know what all the acronyms mean and yes I have ordered products from them in the past, but they do have some good stuff on there. Jules is my favourite presenter by the way, man I am sad! If you want to check out the full description and maybe buy a slanket, I promise I will not judge or ridicule the address is as follows

http://www.qvcuk.com/ukqic/qvcapp.aspx/app.detail/params.item.828395/walk.html.|metadrill,html One final question to ponder over; if they did them in neon bright colours would Mandie, Danni or I buy one to coordinate with our gorgeous socks? Answers not necessary. 

Godly spam

I have just received the best spam email ever Blogger world - well the best non-sexual natured spam email anyway! Some woman wants to donate $3,600,000.00 to me, am I the luckiest man alive? No, I am not that stupid and gullible but I'm sure there's some person in the world who has received the exact same email and is sending off their personal details whilst phoning up work and telling them where to stick their job; they will learn the hard way I guess. 

It is very good, I'll give them that, because all they want at the moment is a name, address, country and age - which might make the cautious amongst us believe that it is genuine. But I'll guarantee you as soon as you send this information off another email will arrive asking for your banking details so the money can be deposited. Then whoever is dumb enough to reply to the email will find their bank account strangely empty, oh what a surprise! 

Anyway, I'll share the full email transcript with you below. If you want to send some spam back here's the return email address esther66@yahoo.cn just remember to set up a throw away email address and close it as soon as you've sent the spam.

Mrs Esther Prakash
P.O.Box: 20581, Safat
13066 Safat,State of Kuwait

Dearest in Christ,

Greetings in the Name above all names, Jesus Christ our Lord and saviour, I am Mrs  Esther Prakash. I am married to Mr.Prakash Anderson who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for many years before he died in the year 2005.We were married  without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christian.

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of (($3.600.000.00) Three million six hundred thousand dollars in a Bank in Ivory Coast . Presently, this money is still in bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem.

The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a charity organization or individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want an organization/person that will use this fund for orphanages, school and church, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained, Isaiah 56:7 For my house will be called a house of prayer for all nations. I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband's efforts to be used by unbelievers.

I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that "the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace". I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence and the presence of my husband's relatives are around me always. I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible.

I await your soonest response with your full information, example.
Your full name.......................
Address....................................
Country......................................
Age...........................................

I will use the above information to swear an oaths of affidavits that will prove you the new beneficiary of this fund from the  Royal Court of Kuwait.I shall give you the contact of the Bank immediately the affidavits is ready. I want you to always pray for me because the lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian.

Any delay in your reply will give me room searching another church or individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein. Hoping to receive your reply with the above information.

Remain blessed in the Lord

Yours Sister in Christ
Mrs Esther Prakash

Like buses

Isn't mail order shopping like waiting for buses - you wait ages for one then two come along at once. I'm talking about my t-shirts I ordered blogger world, do you remember? The I ♥Gay Boys t-shirt arrived today from the USA as did the gay kiss Batman t-shirt I also ordered just in case the first one didn't turn up. Oh well, if nothing else it's another excuse to head out into the bright lights of the City on a Saturday night - like I really need an excuse, but I'm sure they'll come in handy.

My only problem now is which one to wear this weekend? Why is life filled with such difficult decisions? Saying that, if that's all I've got to worry about in life then I am a very lucky man; and for the most part, yes - I'm very lucky! Time will tell dear readers, but as ever I will try to keep you up to speed with developments as they unfold. 

Until later xx. 

The one that got away..

I fell in love with a pair of Converse trainers today. I was walking past Office and I spotted them through the window, you can hardly miss them though can you? I own a couple of pairs of Converse already and they're super cool and super comfortable; but the ones I saw today just kind of fit into my outrageous mood at the moment. For obvious reasons it's the colour that got me, aren't they the most in your face trainers you have ever seen? I thought they would look so good with my new pink lips socks - what a top combination. Man, it would like I've just walked out of a radiation fall-out zone; and it would turn heads for sure.

I mulled the trainers over for the rest of the day and after taking second and third opinions from Gill and Mandie, both of whom thought they were cool, I took the plunge late afternoon and went in to buy them. The guy in the shop looked at me kind of strange when I asked for them in a size 10, one mans coffee is another mans tea and all, before he scuttled off into the store room to check. No luck my friends, they only had them up to a size 8 in stock - gutted I tell you. However, all hope is not lost because they've got them in stock online, the only downside being they won't be with me by the weekend - bummer (pun intended). They would have lit up Saturday night for sure, but such is life at times, anyway I'm sure there will be plenty more opportunities to grace the dance floor with the day-glow bad boys!

Meanwhile if Danni is checking in tonight I think these would look super radical with a pair of your bad-ass socks, go get them girl!

Shifting perception

Taking inspiration from Mandie and suffering from sock envy, today I decided to hunt down some funky socks of my own, to brighten up my sock wardrobe some. I have been meaning to do it a while, the funkiest socks I own are the orange and brown striped ones pictured on Postcards From Nowhere; and to be honest they're not overly exciting. 

So after a brief search around the mens clothing retailers in Stockport I found them in good old Topman. I appreciate they're not on the same par as the socks Mandie was sporting, but I think they will suit me very well; and they're a whole lot funkier than anything else I own. And at 3 pairs for £7.00 a bargain to boot. 

I'm well aware my nail varnish foray has caused some bizarre reaction from friends and colleagues, so guess what happened when I proudly showed off my new socks? Same story, seriously - most of my friends and colleagues could not understand why I have purchased such socks. They're not everybody's idea of cool admittedly, and the colours are a bit garish - a bit pink, but come on - they are just socks. I like them and any subversive messages they may portray, that's why I purchased them. Where is the problem in that? It's not an open question because I think I know the answer.

The problem lies in the fact that the majority of my friends and colleagues at work only know me from work; they do not see me away from work. They see this guy at work day in, day out living within the boundaries that work subjects us all to; I just fit into the niche that is expected of me. So, I guess when I'm going purchasing nail varnish and garish pink socks for the times I spend outside of work I imagine it is a shock. 

Not that I turn myself into a raging transvestite or anything but outside of the boundaries of work I live how I want to, without the boundaries. I am happy with my sexuality and comfortable with myself so I choose to express this occasionally. I do not see any issues in relation to this; but I can understand how people at work who have known me for however many years may be unnerved by it. I guess they had some perception of me in mind and I have just shattered it; that's good, I like the mystery of shifting perceptions, even if it does come from a pair of socks. 

Socks appeal

I love socks, they intrigue me and have done for the longest time. I'm not talking fetishism here boys and girls (if there is a fetish for socks? I'm sure there is) but I think socks say so many things about the person wearing them. I don't really dig plain socks or character socks - they're both kind of boring and run of the mill; but I love bright, funky socks. Just something different, interesting and not seen everyday. I like people who have the ability to wear such socks without reservation - they are people after my own heart. 

Upon my arrival at work today I walked into the canteen to partake in a cup of coffee (I cannot operate correctly without caffeine first thing and I don't like to rush into the day) and I saw them, the socks. Aren't they the BEST socks you have ever seen in your life? They are the best I have ever seen anyway; so funky, so gorgeous, so outrageous, so in your face and so bad ass radical. Sock nirvana baby - that's what were talking with these beauties, oh my.

The socks and the legs belong to Mandie, a top friend and now top sock wearer - is there no end to the woman's talent? Man, I was so jealous of those socks, I still am; where do they sell socks like that? I have never seen a pair like it. More kudos of a major nature to you my friend xx.

Poetry

It's not often I revisit old posts but I'm going to do it again tonight; I'm going to explain some of my poetry and rid some of the misunderstandings.

I have just re-read my last poem, written and published last night, "But you"; and at the time of writing I didn't feel it was that good. When I normally finish a poem I often feel elated by it and often hail it as the best this or that; last night nothing but a cryptic message. However, upon reading it again tonight the poem has begun to reveal itself to it's true potential. I wanted to tell a story, a true story and a personal one; so I hid it within a kind of abstract framework. I thought I had hidden it too well at the time of writing and it did not make that much sense; I was wrong. Now I can see it makes perfect sense and I do not think that the message I wanted to convey is hidden at all; it is perfectly obvious if the poem is read correctly. That said, you do not know the story but I hope it makes a connection somewhere and means something to anyone who reads it. Maybe if you do know me well then perhaps you do understand the meaning in it to me, who knows?

The form of poetry I write on here is not just random words strung together. Each piece tells a story and the words I use, however random they may appear, are placed within the frame deliberately to tell it. It can be a painstaking process but even the longest of my pieces take under one hour to complete; and I usually take the longest time deliberating over the use of one or two words. I also like how this from of poetry leaves a huge breadth and depth of scope for readers to form their own opinions, they are deliberately written but not deliberately directed. 

I always used to write poetry with my heart and soul, which usually produced introvert pieces; whereas nowadays I just tap into a nerve and kind of take a step back from the subject matter; leaving my personal objectives open to subjection. I have found it much easier to write this way and it is a much easier process upon myself, I can write a definitive personal piece without giving the game away completely.

One other thing, I kind of lied in the summary to another poem, "The boy with broken eyes". There are actually three people who are the inspiration behind it. And as I'm in a feel good mood I'll let the main inspiration be known, man I'm throwing away secrets for fun of late! He works in Burger King, and I am attracted to him simply because he just looks so out of place, so kind of lost. I'm sure he probably leads a very happy life but it is an impression I cannot shake each time I see him. For some reason which I honestly cannot identify I just want to take hold of him and tell him everything will be okay. He is mostly, 'The boy with broken eyes", it's amazing as it is bizarre where I find the inspiration and how I view the world. 

True colours

Okay, today I went to Superdrug and purchased some nail varnish, two bottles, two colours - black and cobalt blue; in the bottle they look like they go well together, I hope so. Thanks to Angharad for introducing me to the joys of nail varnish and also accompanying me to Superdrug today to offer advice.

Most of my friends and colleagues are still real messed up over this whole nail varnish business, this is a big time misunderstanding and I'm loving it. They do not understand why I want to wear it and I do not understand their crazy reaction to it. I just want to wear it because I think it suits me; because I want to and because it is a reflection of my inner self. 

I've cleaned the black varnish from the weekend off my little finger and thumbnail, so it's not like I'm still walking around work wearing it; even though I want to. I would love to paint even just my little fingernail again and leave it on all the time, but I'm not sure how it would go down with the Management, you know? I guess they could make a deal over it, even when I do not see any, perhaps I see things slightly differently or I'm somewhat more tolerant to these ideals. 

And I found it just such a liberating experience buying nail varnish too; I was not scared nor embarrassed by the occasion at all. It was enjoyable and I did not hide the fact that I was buying it for myself - my confidence is very high at the moment and I love myself. I guess I just want to express myself, I do not think this is a crime even if it does not fit into certain parameters, let us celebrate the contradiction and not hide the differences. My only minor niggling thought is the fact that it may be construed as me trying to be something I am not. I'm 37 next week and although I do not act my age maybe people will think that I'm trying to be young again and acting an age that I passed some time ago. Are such actions becoming of a man my age? Probably not, truth be told, but I do not really care!

At the moment I'm thinking of painting all my nails in alternate black and cobalt blue colours with an alternate sequence on each hand, that looks cool within my mind. How this looks when I actually paint them up ready for the weekend is another matter completely, but time will tell. Whatever happens and however it turns out the photos will be shared with you, blogger, watch this space. 

But you

I am the wolf

Fancy dress

Pathetic

Born

Needful

Needless

Of everything

But you

Whoever

It may be

-----

Words

Splintered

Incoherent

Suffocated

Inexplicable

Gold plated

A given

Partaken

The riches

Unbearable

-----

Nature head

Lamppost

Concrete bound

Branches

Corroded

Bathed 

In light

In rust

Looking down

Hard falls

-----

Cars pass

Choking

People die

A turmoil

Footsteps

Fade away

Windswept

To dust

Scared

Unreasonable

-----

A window

The mirror

Reflected

In horror

Your pain

Hands weep

In laughter

Bleeding

Injected

Digested

-----

A signal

So perfect

Dumbstruck

In drinking

Belief

Rewarded

Images

Negative

Polarity

Untrue

-----

New age

New beginning

New outlook

New nothing

But nothing

Nothing new

You knew

Not me

But you

Always

Oh my... why I have written this so abstractly? Well, it tells a story of sorts but I'm not sure how much of it is true. I guess I have learned recently that people in my life have begun to get to know me very well and I'm speaking a great deal of truth to them. This is just my reaction to it, for reasons unclear; because, for the most part, I enjoy sharing my life. I always try and maintain some kind of mystery to my life, that's probably why. 

Anyway the poem is called "But you."