Expressionism

Today proved you are never too old to learn something new and discover new ways of self-expression. I was informed today by both Ellie and Angharad that I have very good nails, the things on the end of my fingers and thumbs and not the ones I keep within my toolbox, to avoid any confusion. Apparently they are nice and rounded in shape and I have good white bits at the base of them. As usual I did not pay a great deal of attention and so cannot remember the technical terminology; but it is good anyway. 

Angharad had just purchased a new bottle of nail varnish in a black colour and offered to paint one of my nails. After slight hesitation my curiosity eventually won and so I offered my little finger nail the chance to lose its' varnish virginity. The result was fantastic, it looked just crazily beautiful on me; so good that I then asked her to paint my thumb nail too. I just think it looks so cool - cool in my mind is being different and not following the masses. Now I always like to stretch the boundaries of perception and acceptability; and I think painting my nails does just that. Personally I don't think it's that big a deal, if a guy wants to paint his nails for whatever reason, then so be it, I do not view it as anything radical - to me it seems quite normal. But the reaction I got from a variety of people around work was bizarre; you would have thought I had just committed some heinous crime. People just stood staring, unable to understand what I had done or why I had done it; I was even labelled sick (go figure) and most of these people actually know me. I did not get one single positive remark which I still do not understand. I was also labelled a goth or emo by various people; why does one single action suddenly make you fit into a generalised pigeonhole? Why does society always deem it necessary to label you to try and understand your actions? I don't know the answers but that is exactly what I like rebelling against; those kind of nonsensical boundaries. 

I also like the self-expression associated with painted nails. It is different and I am quite happy being such; and I think it somehow showcases the femininity within me. I don't mind showing that side of myself within the right company; perhaps work is the wrong place to show such self-expression, hence tomorrow I will purchase some nail varnish remover and come Monday my nails will be paint free. But I think I will also purchase some nail varnish too, the next time I am going out for the night, I may just paint all my nails. I like the look and the confusion it causes.

Recommended

Hello again blogger world, I'm going to sidestep into the murky world of consumerism and give you a personal recommendation on laundry products. As I'm sure you're very well aware the laundry product world is filled with a myriad of choices all of them claiming to be the best at cleaning. It is confusing and can be time consuming; one could spend the whole day within the laundry cleaning product aisle of the local supermarket and still be non the wiser (unless you happen to shop at a 24 hour supermarket, in which case you could spend your lifetime in there). What a top idea for a movie, they did that thing with Tom Hanks in the airport, I've not seen it so I cannot remember the name of the film nor it's story, but I imagine it would be along similar lines. I'm sidetracking here aren't I? Sorry.

So to save you any more confusion I am using Persil Liquid (small but mighty) for my laundry and I must say it is fantastic. I have just done some laundry cleaning and there were some stains there that I thought would be problematic, serious organic stains that had kind of dried in on white bedding. (I am a messy eater!) (And a minger!) (And I share way too much information on here that you really do not want to know!)

But to my surprise when I pulled the bedding out from the washing machine, hey presto, they were as white as the day they were purchased; and as far as I can tell stain free too. Just amazing, so amazing in fact that is the reason why I thought I would share this with you - my recommendation. I've no idea how much it costs because I never look at the prices of the products I buy in supermarkets; but whatever the cost, trust me, it's well worth the price.

Game over

Today, it started off bad - real bad, some guy on my case at work as soon as he walked through the door. There is no need at all for such attitude and a negative perspective; and he thinks I'm a good friend! Man, he doesn't even know me. Anyway I thought it would blight my whole day - I could feel my happy disposition sliding away, but I fought it and won. People like that should never drag you down to their level and never, ever win. 

My happy disposition remained throughout the day and I was real cool around those colleagues I think something of. Which is where another problem started, but more on that shortly. I learned today that I'm a flirt, apparently - it came as a major surprise, I still can't figure it out actually. I don't think I set out to flirt if I do, perhaps I do it without knowing or acknowledging the fact; or maybe my actions have been misinterpreted some. But the friend who told me kind of knows me well so maybe I do. Admittedly for the most part I have been in a confident and extrovert mood lately which gives me little fear, so maybe I have been flirting some. Anyway, it doesn't worry me in the least, people can take me or leave me as they find me; this is me I am not afraid of myself. 

The problem today arose through my happy, confident and extrovert disposition. There is a mega hint posted within the archive about the identity of the colleague I dreamt of the longest time ago; today I let it slip. It's game over readers, his identity will be known for sure by anyone with the faintest musical knowledge and an eye for detail (pun intended). I said I will never speak his name and I have kept my end of the bargain to that extent but it is just so obvious now; truth be told all of you who know me well guessed it correctly anyway. I now know I am not as enigmatic as I thought, well not since I began to tell the truth anyway. 

I think it's time anyway to draw closure on this matter, it has been going on the longest time and a week has never passed without someone enquiring about it. I did not realise it would gain so much exposure and at times it did kind of drag me down; and I was hard on myself and dragged someone special into it too. There was no need for any of it admittedly - all the parody and humour, but it was just a bit of fun taken too far. I appreciate it's my blog and I may write what I wish on here and if people read it and get offended so be it; they should not visit it again. But I also appreciate the fact that I should treat people within my life the way I want to be treated by them; and as I have said before I do need to learn restraint. 

Regardless of my or any other peoples thoughts on the matter it was just a dream, nothing more nothing less, let's get over it and move on. If someone wants to carry on and continue to make a big deal out of it then carry on - the best of luck to you. But I have learned from my mistakes, well kind of. 

Little princess

I took some time out today from my busy work schedule to indulge in a little retail therapy. I planned to purchase a new outfit for my next Saturday night out, whenever that comes around, as my t-shirt I ordered from the USA is taking so long to arrive. I just hope it's not stuck in customs, some dreary jobs-worth opening the package to find a t-shirt with I ♥ gay boys printed upon it, can you imagine the scene? I can, I bet they're having a laugh over it as I blog, oh well, like I care. 

Anyway, Tom offered his assistance, his expert eye in fashion to help me choose something suitable. Perhaps I should have known beforehand but the photo above is how I ended up, we all live and learn I guess?

As you can see Tom has styled me in the form of a little princess; a pink baseball cap, gold dress and matching gold clutch bag. Maybe it is his perception of how I, being gay, dress up for a night out, I don't know? Perhaps it is some fantasy within his head, I don't know? Maybe it's just his sense of humour. Regardless of the fact I'll clear it up right now and risk breaking the young mans heart - sorry Tom but I do not fancy you. (For those of you still trying to work it out, who don't know when to quit - you can now cross him off the list!)

Anyway, I don't think I suit the cross-dressing scene, it's just not me. Talking of cross-dressing and heading off on a tangent; I sometimes read the lonely hearts adverts in the Metro newspaper - the men seeking men section, for obvious reasons. Mostly for a laugh but well, you never know. So I was having a read through them today and most of the men seeking men were all into cross-dressing, why? I understand we all have our own little fetishes and desires but so many of the same kind in one place, is just more than coincidence surely? Perhaps I do not understand the scene or something; but I really cannot see the attraction. I am a man, I am gay, I am sexually attracted to other men; hence I am not sexually attracted to women. So why would a gay man want to have sex with another man dressed as a woman? To me that kind of defeats the object - I just cannot make sense out of it. Not that I'm having a go at any cross-dressers, if that's how they want to live then best of luck to them. As Lou Reed sang so truly, "Just remember different people have peculiar tastes". 

So back to the chase I did not follow Toms fashion advice, I decided against it. Instead I will wait for the t-shirt to arrive from the USA, it is so much more me. 

If Carlsberg did window cleaners

Good evening blogger world let me take to some time out to tell you about Daz - my window cleaner, probably the best window cleaner in the world. What a top guy, he's just popped around to collect his money and we've spent the best part of 45 minutes chatting, laughing, joking and putting the world to right. We always spend time to catch up when he calls, usually way too long, but he's just top notch. A real down to earth, honest and hard working guy - I like people like that, no heirs or graces; just someone I feel real relaxed around; someone I can relate to. 

When all's said and done he just cleans my windows and collects the money and I have no idea how we have become so friendly. Not that I'm complaining but he's just some guy doing a job and over the years we have, I guess, become friends. Anyway it's always good to see him and have a chat - it's always good to have people like Daz in my life. 

If anyone in Stockport or the surrounding area wants a top window cleaner then drop us an email and I'll pass on his details. 

Ugh fish!

Friends.... 

am I correct in thinking they are supposed to help each other out? Be there for one-another? Share things with each other? I believe that is a truthful statement. And you are not supposed to fight with friends are you? I believe that is the truth also. 

I mean are you supposed to share everything with a friend? Even if they are a very good friend? Even if it deprives yourself of something you would very much like? I don't know the answers to these statements, so I'm going to need some help here readers, because judging a very good friendship on these statements something is awry. 

Here's the problem, I was at work today and my attention was drawn to a hot looking guy walking past with his mate - but not only was he hot, he was cute; and you all know how I adore cute looking guys, right? So I continue to watch this guy in a dreamy kind of state but as I look to my right my dream state was shattered. Why? Well, I was not the only one checking out this guy. 

My very good friend had also spotted Mr Hot judging by her tongue hanging down to her chin, her eyes popping out of her sockets and her head turning through 180 degrees to maintain eye contact. It wasn't exactly subtle but it's some party trick admittedly, however there's a time and a place for such amorous antics, and it's not when I fancy the guy too. So I politely gain my friends attention and advise her to stop eyeing up my guy, he being mine because I saw him first. That's when the argument starts...

I saw him first. No it was me. He walked past earlier whilst you were not here, etc. The argument continued on and off for the rest of the day. The only thing we could agree on was he was hot, cute and shaggable. How can two good friends - one straight girl and one gay guy, both be in the same place together at the same time, see the same guy and both fancy him? What are the chances of that? The odds of winning the jackpot on the National Lottery are probably less. 

The burning issue is, however, how are we going to resolve this problem? There have been more questions than answers raised in respect of this, after all. But I have a plan, I'm not sure it will work, but it may just stop us from falling out, save our friendship...

Is it possible to timeshare the same guy? Is it legal to timeshare a human being for sexual gratification? They do it with apartments in the Costa Del Sol, so why not? We could work out a rota system, I'm good at them; then share and share alike, just like good friends are supposed to do. I think it will work - just as long as I can have him first, to save any "ugh fish" comments!

The boy with broken eyes

I'm in love

With the boy

With broken eyes

Shattered dreams

I see pain

Forgotten promises

I feel soul

Reflections sad

Regardless

Allow me in

Make it better again

-----

Stop the tears

Dry your cheek

Wipe the makeup

It is not needed

You are beautiful

A dove

White as a ghost

So high

So natural

So effortless

Unknown

-----

Blindness

Unforgiving

I will always

Forgive you

In sunlight

I see you

In moonlight

I miss you

The darkness

Romances

Entrances

-----

I will fail

The mystery

Falling

Upstairs

To save you

From yourself

If it hurts

Bones will heal

Hearts will not

Memory slides

Time plays dead

-----

A touch so soft

Graceful 

Like woman

Fragile skin

Beauty within

Cut flowers

In bloom

Without water

To grace

One kiss

Unrepentant

-----

Silhouettes

Strung out

In shadows

Cast down

Enshrouded

Poisoned

Again

The boy

With broken eyes

I was once loved

By a man

This poem may grow but time is chasing me down tonight, so I'm going to post it as is. I think it's great already, it may not need any further additions, but time will tell. The opening lines have been working through my mind all day today and I just could not let them disappear without working on them in the short time I have tonight. 

I would like to tell you what it's all about but I don't really know. So I will leave it up to you to decide; however someone is the inspiration behind it. The poems called "The boy with broken eyes".

Inspirational

I promised I was not going to blog about this but it is just too good I cannot help myself; besides it needs to be recorded for prosperity. You are a star, do you know that? And you looked kind of sheepish whilst telling me - but there is nothing to be embarrassed over, man it is just so FANTASTIC! 

Major kudos to you, seriously, I should fall down on bended knees in your presence and praise you. I would be so over the moon if that had happened to me - I would be so overjoyed and take it as a major compliment. I thought I was kind of pushing the boundary but you've blown that clean out of the water, I don't think I can even compete - I don't think it's even legal to try!!

It doesn't surprise me though, not in the least - maybe your too modest, or perhaps you just don't see it; but is just so obvious. Although this is kind of difficult, for reasons I am unable to identify, I'm going to spill the beans, let go of one of the secrets on here - the post "You were born to play that part" from earlier this month was about you. I don't know why admitting to this is so difficult because you hold no attraction to me in that respect for obvious reasons. Even if I was it wouldn't have worked out anyway would it? I mean I'm passed it already! 

Joking aside, your life is one that has been lived and no-one can take that away from you, that's what we are born into this world for - to enjoy it for what it is; long may you continue to do so. You're more than a friend - you're an inspiration. Peace and love to you xxx.

Wristbands

Are wristbands still cool? Who cares, I received two as a gift last night, thank you very much! Isn't it nice to receive a gift for no reason? And don't you feel kind of awful for not buying a gift in return? But non-to worry, it makes me all the more grateful for the friends I have in my life. 

I like the sentiment in the wristbands, they read, courage - strength - hope - faith, it is a good way to live a life - to have those elements within and never lose them. I try to live my life with such ideals but sometimes I struggle, that's why they were bought for me, they are a reminder to keep strong during such times; and a reminder that I am never alone. Such sentiments are grounding, fundamental and so very kind; I'm sure they will help me.

As you can see one is white and one is pink - I was advised the pink one is for safe places and the white one is for everyday; why can't a guy wear pink or profess to being gay in all places without fearing for his safety? I do not know but I understand the advice, kind of, so....

I wore the pink wristband to work today, to be honest I thought it would be hidden by my clothing - wrong! It was on show for all to see, but there were no negative comments and work is kind of a safe place to wear it, I think. 

Regardless of anything else I'm sure it will look just dandy teamed up with my new t-shirt, when it arrives. Oh my....

Super chilled

Today has been just so cool, man I am loving Sundays so much lately; I've been working today but it was still such a beautiful day. I thank whoever or whatever is looking down upon for gracing me with such wondrous days. 

I have been in a super-chilled out mood today, really mellow, and the friends and colleagues with whom I spent the day were all just so nice; no attitudes, tantrums or upheavals, nothing but nice smiley people surrounding me. I think today, of any days in recent memory were as close as I have ever got to just being my normal self whilst at work - the person I normally am away from work. There was no alter-ego today, no trepidation or facade projected towards anyone; there was no need because I felt no threat or fear at all. (Fear or threat does not mean I normally go into work fearing for my safety or nothing - if you know me than you'll know what I mean.) I was just happy being me and happy for the people I had around me. 

It was one of those days that I knew was great whilst living it - I understood it was a good day at the time and not in hindsight, do you know what I mean? I have had this feeling before and I know days like these are few are far between because they are just pretty much perfect. I don't think it's a very big secret that I sometimes struggle with people for reasons noted elsewhere on here and then some; but on days like today people sometimes surprise me.

Countdown conundrum

I like this song, it speaks to me. There's another song off the same album that kind of completes the conundrum; that spells out the truth. Seek and you will find, it was never that far away to begin with. 

Funny email

Always check homework....

After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note: 
  
Dear Ms. Davis, 
  
I want to be very clear on my child's illustration.  It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint.  I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.  This picture is of me selling a shovel. 
  
Mrs. Harrington 

I received this email yesterday which is the funniest I have seen in a long time, it made me laugh so much. I just had to share it with you. I don't know if it's true or not; and it doesn't matter at all.

Fading out

I discovered something today from a most unlikely source. I have realised I have been suffering from a late afternoon lull of late, which kinds of puts me in a downbeat mood for no reason. Today has been a good day, when all's said and done, but I was stood with Mike and Angharad late afternoon when Mike mentioned I seemed to be quiet and introvert. This surprised me totally, I like Mike as a colleague, but he's never struck me as one that would notice a mood change or something in me and comment on it. But he did and he called it correctly too, maybe my mood swings are not as subtle as I think. This isn't the first time either recently, I have good days and then faded off big time as the day fades away, for no reason. No-one upset me or anything it just happens. 

I think that maybe people can take so much from me, not in a bad way, but just the effort it takes for me to be around them, to be sociable. That doesn't really make much sense does it but I can't explain it any clearer. I also think friends and colleagues expect me to be the happy, extrovert person they usually see all the time, but that is impossible due to a myriad of reasons. And when I'm at work amongst it all there is little chance to escape, if I'm feeling a little down or out. 

I know I should not seek companionship when I'm feeling this way, I need some time and space to heal but sometimes I think it might help or I cannot find the strength to walk away when someone wants my companionship. Such actions may get mistaken for an uncaring approach and I know at times that I upset people around me without knowing it, so I try not to do it knowingly. 

But anyway barring that it was a good day and I spoke a lot of truth today too. I spoke to the friend that sometimes upsets me and told them so. I also learned that I sometimes upset them too, not knowingly - although I know I can take things too far. I hope we can sort whatever differences we have out, seriously. I also spoke a lot of truth in jest today, but I often do anyway, and that's another story altogether - one that's had way too much ink already.

Love is love

Apologies for my gayness dear readers but I just so love this picture. I think it speaks so very much that I just had to share it with you. It's just fantasy, eroticism and innocence encapsulated so perfectly. Love is innocence after all, isn't it? Regardless of whether it is straight or gay, there is beauty in two people just sharing a special moment, in finding a connection, in letting down their guard and allowing themselves to free fall into the arms of each other. It should not be hidden due to the narrow mindedness of the minority just because it does not fit into their ideals; love is love - celebrate it. 

Anyway enough of my preaching, the picture is actually a t-shirt print which I may just order, go on dare me!

Musical heaven

Good evening blogger world, today found me in a fiscally unchallenged mood, so I treated myself - to the tune of £450.00. Such expenditure has brought me halfway to musical heaven, so far it has proven to be money very well spent.

I love listening to music, it is my favourite medium of entertainment, discounting cute guys that is; we all have our weaknesses, I guess! Joking aside, I live for music - it speaks so much and I gain so much from it, it enriches my life beyond words. For the past two years I have owned an Onkyo CR-715 micro system paired with QAcoustic 1020i speakers and a Pro-ject Debut mkIII turntable with an Ortofon OM5e stylus. It has given me joy and half-decent sound but I always knew a micro system did not compare to a set of quality separates; and I did not have the money to spend on even a budget separates system, until today.

Today I took the plunge and upgraded to a separate amplifier and CD player; Marantz PM6002 amp and Marantz CD6002 CD player. Now the CD player will not be with me until tomorrow but I've set up the amp with my speakers and turntable  - with an upgraded stylus, Ortofon OM10 (thanks to Ians Christmas gift); and I've been playing my collection of vinyl non-stop since. The amp and CD player both won What Hi-Fi best buys for budget separates, so I was intrigued to find out if the sound would be noticeably different. And is it, absolutely fantastic - a cleaner, clearer sound stage with great stereo and instrument separation. I don't pretend to be an audiophile but the difference is astounding, remarkable and well worth the money; I'm sure it will only get better with time.

So there's some stock photos of my current setup above. If you're thinking of buying a decent budget separates system give the Marantz a listen - I love it already. Next stop a speaker upgrade, once the funding has recovered, or if anyone's feeling particularly generous it's my birthday next month - hint, hint.

I have just realised this post portrays me as a proper geek, believe me blogger world I'm not, honest.

Tinkerbell

That's me apparently, due to my sexual persuasion I am Tinkerbell - a fairy. It is a fridge magnet, it is photographed in situ, it was a gift from a dear friend. Oh well, that's friends for you I guess, always there to support and help me in my times of need, thanks! If there's anyone thinking about coming out as gay contact me and I'll pass on my friends details who will give you all the love and support you need during such a difficult time. Then again, that probably is not such a good idea unless you've got skin like a rhinoceros, which is kind of thick, I guess?

Anyway my friend buys me this gift which cost a whole £1.00, meanwhile I buy them a 3 dvd box set which cost £30.00 if memory serves correctly. What does that say about my friend? The equilibrium has been upset somewhere along the way, I guess I love them more than they love me, I buy them something expensive that will bring them hours of joy whilst I get a cheap and nasty fridge magnet which parodies my sexuality and only brings me pain and suffering. Why do I continue to love them as a friend, you may ask? That's easy, because, truth be told, she has brought so much care, understanding and laughter to my life; and I love her to bits for it. It's not the price of the gift that counts either, it's the thought that goes into it; it's a bit of fun, it make me laugh; and I was kind of lying about the price of the dvd box set too. 

But anyway, if I have made my friend feel guilty remember it's my birthday next month, an opportunity to perhaps seek redemption from your guilt?

Talking of fairies my same friend has a phobia of them, of fairies, seriously. How utterly bizarre is that, I mean seriously freaky; to have a phobia of something that, to the best of my knowledge, does not exist. And here was me thinking I had some issues in my life, but really. I think a trip to the psychiatrist is order don't you?

It's just a bit of fun, sorry. xx

New family member

Dear readers, bloggers and friends please join me in welcoming a new addition to my family - a brand new eeyore. I found him today, all alone in the sale bin at the Disney Store. He looked so lonesome and sad I had to pick him up and take him home to a loving house. Isn't he just so beautiful, he's made from organic cotton and is totally environmentally friendly; and he's kind of old school style. He is the seventh member of the eeyore family and appears to be settling in just fine. 

The photo of him is after I have cuddled and loved him, he looks so much happier for it, bless. If only I could find a boyfriend that would do the same to me; we all need cuddles and love from time to time. Gosh, I'm going to cry. xx

Genius

Here's a couple of performances by Ryan Adams I thought would be nice to share with you. Such a cool, radical kind of guy and one of the, if not the best singer-songwriters of my generation. He writes so purely, from the heart and he wears it on his sleeve too; that must be so very difficult to do for a guy in his position. Perhaps that is his genius and has been his downfall on many occasions. A hero of mine. 

So obvious

Ian just so knows I am gay, doesn't he? Let's not beat around the bush here (to coin a phrase - incorrect under the circumstances) it is so obvious. I have had this notion he knew for a week or so; he's been slipping sexuality and the like into conversations all the time. Then yesterday, he gave me a leaflet he printed off the internet about aids, a factual leaflet, no malice or nothing involved. He may even know about this blog too for all I know. 

I knew he would find out eventually, it was inevitable, everyone else at work knows barring the male management staff; and with good reason. They are the ones I fear, you expect such people in such positions to not judge nor ridicule; unfortunately this is not the truth on this occasion. I found it difficult enough to admit my sexuality to the friends and colleagues I trust and so did not want to face a barrage of abuse and insults from the narrow minded minority. Nobody deserves such treatment for whatever reason, never. 

Maybe, I misjudged the reaction I thought I would get from Ian, but I did not want to take the chance; I didn't feel comfortable with it at all. If he does know then he has been real cool over it, no fuss nor ridicule, and no direct questions or pressure to confess. It has surprised me but perhaps he understands it is difficult for me and if it makes me happy, then so be well. I've known him almost 13 years, so I guess he knows me better than most, to a certain degree; as someone else pointed out on here, sometimes I will only show a side of me that I want people to see. (Remarkably true observations my friend!) 

And I've not been overly shy in kind of making the truth be known to him through my humour, I have become somewhat brave in that respect even when he has been in my company. It does dishearten me some because I should have trusted him enough to just come out and tell him, but as long as we learn from our mistakes, then I guess all will be well. So, I'm sorry Ian if you do know, it was nothing personal, I was just expecting a reaction different to the one than I have got; and I should have been the one to tell you, nobody else. 

Shadows electrified

The nighttime

A darkness

Fractured

Of light

A Moon

Starlit

Thinking

Star struck

Muted

Too far

Already gone

----------

Breathe

A notion

So warm

Familiar

A Trembling

Of losing

Forgetful

One Number

So fragile

Secrets

Forgiven

-----------

A heartbeat

The time-slip

Abandonment

In prayer

Palms pressed

Tenderly 

Graceful 

Storm clouds

In motion

Shadows

Electrified

I'm not overly happy with this one but it's the best I can get it for now. I have been thinking too much on it and trying to force the words out rather than let it flow naturally. I think the real problem is this is the second time I have written about this subject within a week, but I could not help myself, it was so good again :-)

So regardless of whether the poem is any good or not I just wanted to capture the moment, which I've managed to do. I'll call this one "Shadows Electrified". This is for you xx.

The healing

Mouth moving

To hear them

Words falling

They hurt me

Your soul

Sold

That look

Glazed

Those eyes

Indifferent

Turn around

Look away

Nowhere

I'm scared

Of you

-------------

A wish

The blindness

In sunshine

Raised upwards

Blue skies

Sugar Crystals 

Of heaven

In the distance

I see you

A figure

Unspoken

The smiling

The healing

The stories

Untold

Well, I'm on some kind of form tonight; here we have another 10 minute poem. I love these short, simple turns of phrase; I think sometimes they can say so much more and also leave scope for interpretation. What's it about? 

Life has been treating me indifferently these last few days, you can probably tell from some of my postings. Sometimes I let the bad stuff get all the ink and that would not be a fair representation of my mind. Stuff has got me down true but there has been plenty more to make me smile. I think today I sorted my mind out, found the crux of the matter, the source of the pain and stayed away from it; I've addressed it on here too. 

The poem is called "The healing" because that's what I've been doing. 

Gay cigarettes, sir?

I smoke cigarettes, it is bad for me, but I continue to do it, it is my choice. I know the government is trying real hard to convince people like me to stop. It is a difficult and complex scenario but sometimes they need to think outside of the box, to ultimately get the message across. I think I have found the answer, seriously. 

The other day I purchased 20 cigarettes and as we all know the packaging now has various health warnings on it about how the product can harm you. The photo above is the health warning I received on my packaging, "Smoking can damage the sperm and decreases fertility". I am 36 years old, I am gay and I do not like children; such a warning does not instill fear into my soul, it does not make me want to run to the nearest chemist and purchase a smoking cessation kit. This makes a mockery of the health warnings, it makes them useless. 

Here's the answer, why not make straight and gay health warnings on cigarette packets. I imagine the health warning I received on my packet of cigarettes may have struck fear into a straight guy hoping to start a family with his little darling wife; it would make him think twice wouldn't it? Do you see my point? All I have to do now is get to work on some gay health warnings. 

But should I succeed, the next time you're in the local newsagents and you ask for 20 cigarettes, don't be surprised if the question "would that be straight or gay cigarettes, sir?" is asked. Remember where you read it first folks, this is a winning idea.

Impure

Do not seek the eyes of strangers

Zero reflection, absolution 

My soul weak

My mind tired

My body not

It is worth more

No truth to be found here

There is no love

No understanding

No caring

No joy

Nothing

But escapism

Impure

Unkind

Another poem I did not mean to write to begin with. I enjoy writing in this minimal style at the moment; and I like the end results.  What's it about? Well, I learned something real good last night whilst in a kind of downward spiral. During such times I sometimes search for escapism from my blues by doing the above. Such behavior is not kind to me, does not resolve any of my issues and is quite shameful. Last night I stopped myself from doing it, I learned. 

What that says about the process and about me when I am happy and carefree is....? I don't know. Maybe then it is just about having some fun, for the right reasons?  

Anyway the poem, as the post suggests, is entitled, "Impure". Perhaps, the answers I seek to my own questions have already been written by my own hand?

Silence speaks volumes

I do not understand you that is my problem, perhaps it is something in my mind that refuses to make the connection. Maybe it says more about me than you, I don't honestly know. I have tried very hard to withstand the unknown in you but I just don't get it at all. It unsettles me, I used to feel comfortable talking to you but now it's different. It seems every time we speak there appears to be an ugly atmosphere hanging over us, it brings me down. I cannot read you at all, such a mystery normally fascinates me, but with you it scares me; and it's not the first time truth be told. 

There appears to be a hidden agenda each time we speak, there always appears to be something more than a simple conversation taking place. I feel a clinical coldness where there should be the warmth of familiarity, something is lacking. Perhaps it's mind games being played out or I am missing something real subtle, whatever it is I do not like it. Speaking in riddles and leaving open questions unanswered just reiterates this train of thought. I know I am not the easiest of people to get on with, to talk to; but I do try to bring my heart to the table on each and every occasion. 

I like being happy and I want to surround myself with people that can help me to achieve this; because I am a fragile soul, easily hurt and I need people who understand me. And it hurts to have to say this because you have helped me in the past but I do not see that in you anymore. Maybe time has slowly and silently drifted us apart, perhaps I have joked once too often, I don't know and, furthermore, I don't want to apportion any blame because it does not matter and it will not help. I try me best to get on with everyone and I do not like to see friendships turn awry, but when it only brings me suffering in return, well I cannot let this continue. 

I just hope I am wrong, these words are not meant as judgmental, it is just how I see the situation; and in my heart I do not believe you would deliberately set out to upset me. Indeed I will take this opportunity to thank you for being very kind and understanding to me in the past, it was much appreciated. 

My silence speaks volumes.

Sleepy head

I had a great sleep last night, serious deep sleep and I had a dream again. I went to bed at about 10.30 and got to sleep straight off, no problems. I woke after this dream and thought it must be close to getting up, because it felt like I had been asleep for hours. I turned over to look at the bedside clock and it was only just after midnight. Just crazy, so I turned back over and fell asleep again until the alarm went off at 06.55 this morning. Super refreshed after that, I felt great.

The dream was weird, I don't recall a great deal of it and it doesn't make any sense but I'll share anyway. There were about 6 guys sat in a half-moon shape on the floor in a completely white room and I was walking back and to in front of them asking if anyone wanted a top up. I honestly have no idea whatsoever, just beyond any kind of interpretation. 

I want to be better

The last post 'Fare thee well" was a mistake, if it's still there, a very big mistake. I'm sorry if it has been read by anyone, it was not meant, I need to learn to just accept stuff more often; I want to grow into a better person. I am not any of those things that I wrote, those were bad words, and I know that I have friends out there who will help me, all I have to do is speak. Sometimes, for me, that is easier said than done, but I need to learn. I have come a very long in a short space of time, I have learned to talk, to trust and be honest with people. I have regained a lot of self-confidence and self-belief along the way; and I am happy with my life, with myself. But I can still come up short in the real fundamental things of life.

Today, I began sinking down, I could feel it inside and I knew I needed some time and space to heal myself. But instead of talking about it or telling people to give me some space I just hid it and carried on. It didn't help, it never does because it got worse. I took a comment from someone very personally, the comment was probably not even directed at me or meant in the way I took it, if it was. But it messed me up for a long time, up until this evening and caused me to blog the last post. I need to tell people when they upset me or when I need some space even if it makes me uncomfortable in doing so. I need to learn to ignore the stupid stuff that I know has no bearing on my life despite what people may say. If this fails then I need to learn to walk away from whatever or whoever is causing the discomfort in my life. I do not want to go back to the person I was before; the shy, introvert, scared, unhappy person. 

I appreciate that everyone does not want to be my friend and some may even dislike me for whatever reason; and that's cool. If you prefer not to talk to me I fully understand, in fact I would appreciate the honest approach. But for those that do wish to remain friends with me please understand that I do think a lot of you and I like talking to you because it helps me; despite what I may say or do to the contrary. I know only too well that I can take things way too far and say or do things that appear to be disrespectful; I do not mean to do this intentionally, it will often only be in jest - a joke that I have taken too far. I need to be told in no uncertain terms if I ever go too far in whatever I do; to learn restraint. 

I am trying very hard to be a better person, a better friend to those that want to be; but sometimes I will fail quite spectacularly. There are times I will need to be alone, times I will be hurt by the stupidest of things, times I will need cheering up and times I will need calming down; amongst others. I don't expect anyone to come along for the ride but it's nice to have some travel companions along the way.

Peace and love to those who try and understand me xxx.

Just nice

I had real trouble getting to sleep last night, it took so long. Thankfully, I do not suffer from this very often. Isn't it strange though what goes through your mind when you're trying to just think of nothing, to get to sleep; real random stuff.

I was laying in bed and somehow I began thinking of Enzo and what a real nice guy he is, I mean how did this get into my head? Before we go on may I point out that I was thinking of Enzo as a friend only; not in a gay way - in any shape or form. I shouldn't have to justify my posts here, but I am still reeling some from all that has gone before, you know right? I just want to play it safe a while. 

And isn't he just one of the most perfectly nice and genuine guys you have ever met, if you know him? I have never, ever seen him angry, upset or without a smile on his face. I don't think there is a bad bone within his body. He is always calm, collected, happy and will always take time to talk to you. He just kind of puts you in a real good, chilled out mood; and rarely has anything bad to say about anyone. There's a good soul in there, a real good one.

I think he should be a role model for the nation, for humankind in how to live your life, seriously. He is just a perfect example in how to get on with everyone else and live life without drama or crisis. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so; from my point of view it appears to be the perfect existence. I hope one day I can evolve into an Enzo, I like his mantra. 

What does this mean?

I have always known I have bad hand-eye coordination, just very poor. It doesn't affect any part of my life really, but I know it's there. Anyway last night I learned something completely new about myself, which is kind of along these lines and is just so weird.

I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth (no pun intended) before going to bed. Now I, as most, stand still at the sink whilst brushing my teeth, always have done, always will do. My mobile phone which was in the bedroom on my bedside table alerted me that I had just received a message. So whilst continuing to brush my teeth I started to walk into the bedroom to see who it was off; and here's where the problem started. 

I found I could not walk correctly whilst brushing my teeth, seriously. My legs would not work in unison whilst I was doing it. I stopped brushing and my legs were fine, I could walk fine. I started brushing and the problem started again, seriously bizarre. Now I had not been drinking and I was not feeling ill or anything, it was solely down to the action of me brushing my teeth. 

Can anyone explain the unexplainable and tell me what does this mean? Do I also suffer from bad brushing my teeth-walking coordination? Is there such a thing? Or have I started a new medical phenomenon? Does anyone really care? The last question is rhetorical by the way, answers are not required on that one!

Never alone

There is a good friend of mine and she has been going through a tough time of late. Problems not of her own doing, which could so easily be averted, which she does not deserve. No-one deserves to be treated in such a way, there is no reasonable explanation for such actions, never....

It hurts twice as bad to see her having to go through this because she is such a good friend, who I love and think of a lot; I'll be honest and say it unsettled and upset me. 

Just so you know, there are many of us who think so much of you and love you; maybe more than you realise. And we are all here for you, we are all thinking of you and we will all support you. You are never alone. xxx

Somewhere

This will not make any sense to anyone but someone, it is just a note to whoever; and I just needed to post it, so it is recorded somewhere.

Saturday afternoon I just lost myself so.

I lost all sense of time, of place, of myself.

Of everything that I ever knew.

I was somewhere else - I do not know where.

I was someone else - I do not know who.

It did not matter and nothing mattered to me at all.

Never before have I felt like I have known so little in my life.

Yet it was the nearest I have been to anything ever before.

I did not want to see and I did not want to speak.

I forgot how to walk and I could barely crawl.

There was nothing in the world that made sense.

Because there was nothing to make sense of.

Life was an obscurity, breathing was not required.

Just for those moments, I was lost, totally, completely.

Thank you.

xxx

I've just read through this before posting it and I think it's a poem, not in a style I normally write in, but still. I did not mean to write one, it was not my intention, but I think it's really good. It's just human emotion, pure and simple; perhaps that's why it is what it is. Six years since I have last written poetry, oh my.

Post comment:

I have renamed the post 'Somewhere" - that's the title for the poem, I have decided it is now a poem. I think it is perhaps the most beautiful and organic piece I have ever written. I never, ever write organically, if you know what I mean? All my poetry is normally written very deliberately, to tell a story or to get a point across. Could anyone who reads this please leave a comment; or if you know me personally let me know what you think of it please. Your honest feedback on this would really be appreciated.

Goodbye, we will miss you xx.

I don't think I am wrong in that statement. Ryan appears to be sliding off the musical radar to do other things; and I don't blame him - he's been through some real bad stuff. I hope whatever he does in the future brings him the peace, love and happiness he so rightly deserves. There will be a mighty big void left behind, seriously I think his music reached out and touched many lives; mine included. There have been many times where his music and lyrics spoke so loudly to me and helped me through some bad stuff and also he has been the soundtrack to my good times too. 

His blog has also been a godsend, I know what he means when he speaks about it; and he has helped me with that blog in so many ways. Your words know no boundaries Ryan, be it in song or blog form, you have been an inspiration, to me and I'm sure to many more. I've copied what will probably be his last ever post from the blog, it tells you all you need to know. Goodbye, we will miss you xx.

me- 34-a non smoker and happy, for the first time in my life.. i am excited to finish this wonderful time i have had with the cardinals and whatever new adventures may come after march. atlanta will be my last venture with the band and i am grateful for the time we have had and maybe someday we will have more stories to tell together. i am however ready for quieter times as i think it is very evident i am struggling with some balance and hearing issues. 

also, no drama or anything but i am okay to step back from all of this right now and i think i did enough manic blogging when i felt alone and isolated during the last few years of travel. these last few years were the hardest i can remember and the most rewarding but i have loved ones to care for now and i am lucky i have been given a chance to turn around and see just what i am capable of as a friend and as someone who is not gone forever every year- it rendered me incapable of things i needed to be to myself and others- and my schedule sometimes never ended when the shows did- and some of that was my doing. and i lost someone i loved, and i lost myself.

that changed. i got to know just who i am in this little spell of time here recently. and change is the nature of the world and i naturally embrace that. 

i won’t be blogging here anymore either- but not for effect- it just is not being kind to myself- i need a life that is mine- i need to grow up and grow in to who i have subtly been working back towards since i stopped  all that nonsense and i know also no matter what i choose to do in the music world, because i chose to do things my way and never lie i will always be viewed as an “asshole” ( i hear and have seen things in the past) and i am not, and i know the truth and i know who i am.  

also it is kind of ridiculous to blog as i am a musician and anything i say here just gets reprinted at some point out of context. i say NOT FAIR but it doesn’t matter what i say anymore or what is fair anymore really does it- the 21st century media has it’s own rules about what is true and what is not. it is not a life- not one i want to live anyway and i don’t really care to participate in narcissistic over-indulgent behavior anymore- that was never my intention- i just wanted to fight for my right to make music and to be given the  benefit of the doubt. now, because i have stood up for myself and fought for myself i am labeled all kinds of awful things. well, i will walk away now and it will not matter what anyone say’s. there are other things i can do in this life, other ways to be creative and to try and help others and be expressive without being demonized for attempting to gain the same things any other human being desires- love- friendship- understanding- and being able to express yourself without constant fear of being mistreated for speaking up

  i have friends to make, brand new books coming (two of em’ not counting that one already printed and on it’s way out there and i LOVE writing….yay!) and a whole lot of living and learning to do.

i am excited to step away. i lost more than anyone will ever know (hearing, someone i loved, my sense of dignity, a never ending losing battle with stage fright and now my hearing and balance due to an inner ear issue- people accusing me of not being sober when i am suffering tremendous pain and nausea from my inner ear symptoms- people accusing me of theft (THEFT- ….awful) and this is not much of a life, not glamorous like those ridiculous video’s a long time ago television played and no it is not monetarily as rewarding as people would like you to believe and yes, it is soul destroying. especially when you spend your life trying to write about the really difficult stuff and you stand there losing your way and people yell at you like you were in a circus. when it was your dream to matter and you realize one day, it never mattered- i mean, i am a punch-line and a footnote in what is worse to yell at someone besides “free-bird”. i mean, i lost. and it’s okay because i seriously snuck some pretty neat idea’s in there in the work when i was making those mistakes or they were being made by others. this business is no science.

andf you know, whatever this is- it’s not my dream. and it is a punishing thing to endure when you are getting worse and worse- it’s not my dream, my dream was to try and tap into that energy i saw watching Minutemen vcr tapes when i was just a little shit in NC of mike watt’s crazy shaking leg and his electric fingers- or how sonic youth droned into beautiful clouds those guitars shaking, kim and steve rattling the pulsing lines into feverish thudding imaginary subway cars racing through my heart- and how it felt to just let go and static up a riff and find the sweet spot- but getting yelled at for just being a songwriter- to be called so many horrid things because i chose to love music so much, and also to look for peace and balance in my life- that is not kindness and just not my thing. at least not now. 

and i loved somebody. and i let others decided if that was okay and that was wrong and i was wrong and no one should deny themselves or others love or understanding because people don’t get it. that was an awful mistake. i always make big mistakes. it’s like i let myself learn that because that was a role, a niche’ i filled that make sense to a loud voice of strangers who would never really play a real part in my life.

never become that if you choose this path- if you go this route with your art. never listen to those loud dissatisfied bystanders who only want to see you fail because that will be entertaining for that moment. hold fast to your dreams, hold faster to your heart and never step out of the light of that love that made you whole. i did. and i know better now. and better late than never i suppose.

but i am okay now. i see a peaceful way to better days now. i am healing. and most importantly i feel loved and i have learned to treat myself with that same curiosity and lover that i have been lucky enough to feel and to learn to let guide my life. love is the great teacher and i am happy to be learning now. happy to be listening to that over this never ending painful ringing. this is the great lesson of my life. for once i want to be dignified in my study and in one place long enough to hear and understand without my pride or my lack of faith in myself leading me further away from things i need to know once and for all.

this is the real work now. the rest is something else entirely.

quitting smoking was a good step and i am happy i also am just now beginning to understand how important it is i take better care of myself in every way right now. hell i am even beginning to sleep a little and i can feel the things good and bad that i did not have time to feel when i was running towards a new oblivion of work, hoping somehow someday what i did would be accepted and maybe that would make me feel loved. how foolish.

that is not love. love is being accepted for who you are. love is taking care of yourself and caring for others and dreaming out loud when it matters. not chasing rainbows. not hoping for some eventual collective sigh of approval which will never come. how did i ever think in those terms? i always knew better. thank goodness i know now how to be honest with myself.

anyway, enjoy these shows ( i will enjoy them immensely and i will miss them just as much)  and know that i am not abandoning anyone, not the cardinals and not the fans, this is just something i need to do now, and that i loved playing music in the cardinals and hell, even before i was in a place to try and learn to be well, music was my life source- and cardinals was such a heavy crush and a real dream…i honor it too much to have any regrets right now, i am just proud.

maybe we will play again sometime and maybe i will work my way back into some kind of music situation but this is the time for me to step back now, to reel it in and i wish everyone peace and happiness and if music is your dream, or if just dreaming is your dream, may you find your way through the rough patch with ease and i hope you let go and it takes you all the way there-

loving kindness to all.

R

Redemption

The last post crucifies me, it is the worst thing I have ever had to do on here. I am so not comfortable with it, I do not want to share personal emails like that with anyone. I share a whole load of stuff with you all on here blogger but it is all my thoughts, all my actions normally. Anything or anyone else is usually obscured and for good reason. 

But to share the personal thoughts of someone else, someone close to me, just tears me apart. It was not my idea, I hated it, I still do, but I think you have sacrificed a whole lot more in convincing me. 

I hope it helps and I do not deny the fact that you speak a great deal of truth and can keep a level head when I sometimes am unable to, for whatever reason. Redemption, if that's what the last post entailed, hurts so bad - enormously. But if that's what it takes then I will try and remain brave. But you have me fixed me and made me happy again. xxx

This hurts bad

I didn't want to revisit this subject but it's getting way out of hand and I have not yet apologised correctly; I've always found someway to turn it around into a joke. I took some advice on the matter and perhaps the best way I can apologise is to post the email thread. It hurts me to share such private thoughts between two people with the rest of you but I hope it can finally convey how sorry I am for the mess I have made. This was not my idea, it took some persuading for me to do this, but I can understand how it may help. It just was not meant to turn out this way, sorry. 

Hey,

listen, just slow down and think about this babes. you really do go from one extreme to another!

first things first you are not a bad person, stop writing crap like this, it isnt true. dont think like this and put yourself down i dont like it. you are one of the most genuine persons i have ever met, i mean that. you are never a bad person there is no harm within you well except to yourself. i know you want to make everyone happy and that is a great thing to have but sometimes its not possible. there is no need to beat yourself up over it, its not worth it.

the problem with you is you think everyone has the same sense of humour as you or thinks the same way as you. you right the stuff on the blog because you want to share things with your life, give them some entertainment, let them know how you think. its good to do, i like it and im sure everyone else who reads it does and i can see the funny side in it because i know you quite well, i know you just as you. but some people even those who have known you way longer than me may not get it. you show them a side you want them to see and not the person underneath, if you know what i mean. they do not see the real you even if I know you have been trying hard to change this, that is what part of the blog was for. what i'm trying to say is what you see as funny may not seem the same to someone else beavuse they do not understand you. its not a bad thing but you should think first before you share somethings.

you can also get carried away at times, i know for sure. again its not bad i like to see you that way just living as you want to be, im sure everyone else who thinks something of you will do aswell. and you can go beyond a limit sometimes but thats not because your bad its because you are just enjoying yourself. you do not mean harm by doing it but things can get mistaken people may read something different than what you want. you are the only person i know that could start a fight in a gaybar, not deliberately but because people do not read your actions. dont change because of it, dont take it seriously i like you for being that way and im sure everyone else does also. and it is not horrible because you do not do horrible its a simple misunderstanding.

if your friends are anything to go by then im sure they will lay off you. if they understand anything about you they will know when to let it go when you are not comfortable with it. if you feel you have to tell anyone then tell him first, it wont be easy now, but he may just understand, see it was just a bit of fun that got out of hand. maybe i didn't help the matter by carrying on with it aswell on saturday night but i didn't know it would lead to this. you didnt either or you wouldnt have started it i know that.

i hope this helps, its the truth, i'm sick of writing now, i dont know how you can write so much on your blog. go easy on yourself heres some hugs and kisses to make you feel better. xxxx

email us back when you've read this and i'll give you a call. x

On 13 Jan 2009, at 19:34, arcticdreams wrote:

Hi sexy,

I hope you are happy and well? I need some advice, I was going to call but I need to make sure this comes out correctly and I need to read the words - let them sink in, does that make sense? I hope so.

Anyway, this blog thing with you know who, I'm getting some serious grief over it at work just people wanting to know who it is and pressing me real hard over it. And it's difficult, I'm finding it real hard to stay afloat, I don't know what to do for the best. These are supposed to be my friends but I don't know. It's all my fault, I know that much, I have risen some kind of monster and I don't know how to stop it. I think they read more into it than there is, but again it's my fault for writing all that stuff on the blog, getting carried away with myself. I know what's real on there and what's my sense of humour - I know you do too, but the others may not.

And I think it's the most horrible thing I have ever done to someone, I didn't mean it to turn out this way, it is not meant. But if they were to find out, if I did tell him then I'm sure it would hurt him you know? I'm certain he would not see the humour in there and just think I was taking the piss out of his him. I could fully understand that point of view too, I would not blame him. We don't get on all that well anyway, I don't know him and he doesn't know me.

I can be such a bad person at times, even when I don't mean to be. But I don't know when to quit sometimes and I suppose I'm the very best at leading myself astray. But it's beyond a joke now and I know I cannot run forever, I don't want to run, I just want him to know that it was not meant at all. I have been thinking I could delete the posts but people already know and have read them I don't think it would help.

Sorry, I just needed someone to talk to, I'm not down or nothing - it just pisses me off.

 xxx.