Confidence breeds new regrets

Well the first day back at work went well in pretty much all aspects; I had time to laugh, joke and catch up on all the gossip. But as the day progressed a darkness began to cast its' shadow over me, I could feel it enshrouding me and when I got home a cold, dark realisation struck me hard. 

Even now, a couple of hours later, I can feel myself sinking deeper into the dark recesses of my mind, a place I have not visited for many a year, a place I only visit when I have troubles of a personal nature. 

Tonight I was hoping to write about my escapades during my holiday last week, but I do not find myself in the right mood or mindset to recount them. Instead my mind and mood is dark, I have written almost a page of poetry, mostly nonsensical stuff of an introvert, foreboding nature. 

Regular readers (if there are any?) of this blog will recount my recent admittance of my sexual orientation; and how Mat and Angharad were the first to know of it. And during this time I began to immerse myself in their trust, telling them things about my personal life that I would normally not, changing to some degree from the quiet and shy guy I was on personal matters to a more open and honest person. They've both been great about it, to the best of my knowledge, the stuff I have told them about me has remained in confidence; and they have been supportive and non-judgmental.

This all sounds great doesn't it, so why the dark mood?

Well, with this new found confidence I think I have spoken too many words, given away too much of my personal life and stripped myself bare to a certain degree. Thoughts and words that would normally remain unspoken have spilled from my mouth like a storm drain in flood; without care or attention. I have publicly eroded the safety barrier, the safe distance I always maintain; I have gone too far and overstepped the mark. I have let these people, sorry, friends take much more than a glimpse into my world and now, after the clamor has died down, I feel the stark reality of my actions which have, I feel, left me exposed and in peril.

And now they have the ammunition of knowing me, of knowing how to wind me up and knowing how to hurt me. Not that I am sure they ever will, but perhaps it would have been better if I had never taken the risk, better if I had played it as I always have in the past and remained silent. Because this may now affect our friendship as it is possible I will actively shun them and push them away to reestablish the safety barrier around me - maybe even hurt them during the process. I do not want to do this, I enjoy their company and friendship but sometimes when I'm scared be it real or otherwise I'll do anything to escape. 

Maybe I need therapy, maybe I need the warm and caring hand of a steady relationship - I don't really know. Maybe I have already lost their friendship and trust, if they read this it is a distinct possibility. But I hope they understand and I hope this darkness does not last, I do not want it to last, I do not want these new regrets.