I look stupid but my head is cold

Perhaps it's the shape of my head or something but I never, ever look good wearing a hat. But it's been cold of late, my MacBook tells me it's -3C outside at the moment, and as you lose most of your body heat through your head, well, you've got to wear a hat.

Myself and my good friend Derek B modeled some in River Island today, I was hoping to look like Bear Grylls on an Arctic expedition but ended looking like, well.... Thanks to the staff member whose name I forget, but she was real sweet and took the photographs.

Today I love everyone

I approached today in a strange but good manner; after the recent run of indifferent days I consciously decided to really try and be open and approachable with my friends and colleagues, to not judge nor cast aspersions, even in jest; and not to disappear into myself when I felt it necessary.

I'm certain it helped turn the day into a real good, happy and smiley one. I enjoyed myself today, my mood and spirit lifted with the ticking of the clock, it was a day I did not want to end. I started off badly, truth be told, making a joke out of Derek W and his worries over shift changes and his need to leave should it occur - but I apologised immediately. After that I went from strength to strength; living out my vision and even attempting to correct others along the way when they strayed. 

I did not even let Mary from Zumo blight my day or mood when she continued to cast me as some man-slut. Although to be honest it's a reoccurring theme and I don't mind it, in fact I always do see the funny side regardless of my mood. Mary doesn't mean any harm and I know that and she does make me laugh; and perhaps most importantly, makes me laugh at myself.

Perhaps I was rewarded by my efforts because I got on real well with Mat today. I like Mat, although not in that respect, he's a good guy but we have been kind of play-arguing with one another of late. Nothing bad but he kind of winds me up and I fall for the bait and things are said that needn't be; and I do the same to him too, being honest. At times, although it is only daft and childish, it does upset me some, I consider him a good friend and I don't like to go through with the petty, needless stuff. 

Today, we had a good talk about things and I was open and honest towards him. Mat is real easy to talk to, he's my soundboard in some respects, I do not feel threatened by him even though he can somewhat push the boundaries of what I find comfortable speaking about - but it is what I need to open up. I like talking to him, clearing my mind and soul of the clutter that accumulates. He's a human version of this blog. I don't think you find people like that often, I certainly don't anyway; it's good to make connections, to communicate openly and without fear. (Which makes a mockery of the entry I wrote earlier in the week. Yes, I am ashamed and sorry; but that's my worrisome mind at times.)

Upon leaving work I thanked everyone for being part of such a good day. Today I am glad to be alive, I am thankful for the friends I have in my life. I hope I can approach every day like this one and just enjoy it for what it is. 

I love you all, thank you.

The light and the shadow

Well I woke up today and it was still foggy, the second consecutive day. I can't remember the last time it stuck around so long, then again my mind does not remember much of note. So whilst at work this morning walking around with Ian I stopped to take a photo of it. I think Ian thought I was losing the plot, taking a photo of the fog; perhaps it is a required taste. But it paints the world in a whole new light, or should that be shadow? Perhaps both, the light and the shadow. Unfortunately it cleared come midday, but that said it turned into a beautiful, sunny afternoon;

and it warmed up some too. Kind of weird seeing the sunshine after a couple of days of otherworldliness.

Listening to: Ryan Adams - Easy Tiger (Orange Vinyl)

It makes sense.... kind of?

Latish last night whilst having nothing else to do and nothing to write about here (how strange!) I stumbled across a blog by Ryan Adams, singer-songwriter, for those not familiar. He's released some great albums, one particular being in my top whatever, "Heartbreaker"; which I own on CD and 2 different vinyl versions - overkill? I guess so. Saw him live at the Manchester Apollo last year too, and I was truly amazed at what a great frontman he is; he really lives the songs and music, very charismatic. 

Anyway I read his blog, I think it's only been going a few days, and it was a revelation. It is, at times,  a very personal account of his life, his issues, problems and mindset. And it kind of brought me back to my life in some respects, my issues, problems and mindset which I have documented to some degree on here. And I have often been slightly uncomfortable with living my life out on here, the personal issues and problems I face have always remained so, up until discovering this blog tool. I guess it's the battle to face new frontiers in many aspects of my life.

So pondering on this today at work, I thought if someone in the limelight, who earns his living by being out there in the public eye can write this personal account of his life, then why can't a normal everyday guy like me do it? There is no reason, none at all. Furthermore when you read such a first hand account of a person you admire and look to through their music and read their faults and fears you realise that perhaps you are not alone in this respect. 

Perhaps, everyone has similar issues and problems but some deal with or hide it better than me; or have a partner to offload their fears upon. And the way I now choose to deal with my demons is to exorcise them out on this blog, rather than letting them build up inside and take over my life. Maybe no one reads the words I type into this machine, it does not matter much; because, and I touched upon this earlier within my blog, it is therapy. If nothing else it helps me sort out some of the weird stuff that goes on in my head and I think it works; I think I have become a better, more open person because of it. I am far from perfect, can still be reticent, shy and hard work at times but it's becoming better. 

And I love blogging, perhaps it takes up some of the time where I would be aimlessly lost and thinking about stuff too much, way too much. It keeps me from the television too which is never a bad thing. Head on over and check out Ryan's blog, the link is on my profile page. Here follows a taste of it which struck a chord with me and made me think it's okay to be a little screwed up with life and yourself; be comfortable with it, I am not alone. Thanks R XXX.

Infinity Blues is back from the printing house. I saw it today as I signed a milliondy copies and the cool insert book “sad american mythology” it would have left me speecheless but i sat there from early a.m til almost 4 rushhour something signing them all in one sitting

i am terrified and excited also. proud and scared. 

this is the closest to the bone i ever cut into my verse, into my life.

i am proud

but also wants to crawl under the covers forever…..

i just hope it helps people know they aren’t the only ones trapped inside their good and their bad daydreams

and

if nothing else, we are never alone- we’re here together somehow.

and also,

if my dumb ass poorly educated hack can do it, then so can YOU

sing your life……

you’re all so beautiful

and

i never meant anyone was an experiment

i suppose this sharing of feelings are

and

i hope they yield only one thing….

hope.

hope and a hanging-in as my pal michele say’s

she is a sunshine

and

so are you.

bless us all on the holidays

alone, sober, lost, too much,

and

well

just human every time we let it go and

let it out/

XXXX

R

It is cold and I cannot see

Fog, one of my favourite weathers, I love it. 

I have certainly had my fill of it today, from when I woke up right through to writing this tonight. It's mysterious, it's strange, it's spooky and it's great to be out in it. 

And I have been out and about in it for most of the day whilst at work, great natural phenomenon but boy has it been cold. Seriously feet numbing, nose reddening cold. 

But it has been worth it, one of the brighter moments in my day today.  

Listening to: The Ashtray Hearts - Old Numbers

Delicate

It was my first day back at work today after recent troubles of a house kind; and I was feeling kind of reticent and delicate. I have spoken so many times to so many people about the troubles it made me feel dizzy; the world seemed to be spinning at twice its' normal speed. 

The last thing I really needed was for a colleague to start prying and questioning me about it, so what happens? Yes, it happens!

Where have you been? What happened? If I was you I'd have done, and so on......

I was in no mood at all to discuss anything in relation to this, it's all I've done for the past two days and nights - it has been all encompassing. I tried to block the questions out, I gritted my teeth but it did not do the trick. I could feel the pressure building up within me and not wanting to lose my cool I walked out of the room in silence. 

It put me in a bad mood for most of the day - I did not speak to anyone, I did not want to speak to anyone, I stared blankly into the distance. The solace did me good, I eventually started to lighten up, although I only spoke when I felt it necessary. 

I knew that today of all days I needed space and time but, well it's over now, tomorrow is a brand new day.

Facebook

After many weeks of contemplation; and after friends advising me it's a great site, this evening I have finally joined Facebook. Ridding my demons which suggested it was a stupid waste of time, you know if friends want to get in touch they can just call or email me. There's no need to log onto Facebook to say hello.

Obviously it's very early days; but my demons still suggest it is stupid, can I send you a poke and all that garbage, what is it about? I really do not comprehend. Thankfully they have an option to delete the account, which may come in useful.

But anyway I'll see how it goes for a couple of days, maybe a week or two; perhaps I will find some friends I have lost touch with over the years. It may throw up one or two surprises who knows, maybe those that are lost are not condemned to be lost forever; or maybe they do not want to be found, by me anyway. 

I enjoy my blogging better, sending out messages into the great void in the hope that someone may pick them up along the way. If nothing else I've linked my blog to my Facebook account so I may get a few followers here. 

I am grateful I am humbled

When times get tough and life throws you the odd curveball it is heartening to know I have friends and family who will drop everything and answer my distress call; call over to make sure everything is alright, pick up the telephone and dial my number, give me advice and comfort.

And I am truly humbled by the efforts of all those who have helped over these last couple of days and nights because they all have their own lives to live and problems to overcome; but they put them aside to help me out. I find such gestures of human generosity remarkable, overwhelming and beyond any kind of recompense I am able to offer.

Even more so when you take into consideration the fact that I can be a difficult friend at times - quiet, introvert, distant and unhelpful. But I guess they know my failures as much as I do and do not judge me on the less favourable traits I display, which makes the ones who do care even more remarkable. 

I offer my heartfelt thanks to all those who have helped, your love knows no boundaries; I hope one day I will be able to repay your kind efforts. 

Listening to: Tom McRae - Live 2007 

Tragedy of materialistic proportions

I tend to get caught up, to some degree, within the materialistic values of life and I often hate myself for it. I know deep down it's far better to have health, happiness and love in your life over a big pot of cash; although it still does not stop me from playing the National Lottery each week - does that make me a hypocrite? 

Maybe, but I work hard for my money, to pay the bills, to have a nice home, to go on holiday and enjoy a half decent level of existence. And work, no matter how much you may enjoy it, can become a little tiresome at times, allowing daydreams to float towards winning a few million pounds and never worrying about anything again. It's human nature, I guess it's within all of us. If I have a saving grace it's the fact that I recognise my failures in this respect. 

To compound this notion there's nothing like a good tragedy to bring it to the forefront. Without over exemplifying last night I was possibly given a choice between material goods and my health; and I chose my health.  It was not an easy choice but in the heat of the moment I think it was a correct decision; and tonight, in quiet reflection I comprehend the true benefit of materialistic values - they're worth nothing, it's meaningless. And health, happiness and love?  Well I'm still in one piece, alive and breathing - that will do for now.

Tom Mcrae

Talking of blogs, check out the blog by Tom Mcrae, an incredible singer, songwriter who deserves a much wider audience. It is criminal how such artists never reach the true echelons they rightly deserve. His blog is as good as his extraordinary songwriting skills; the best I have ever read. Tom you should write a book!

The link to it is on my profile page. Do yourself a favour and immerse yourself into the world of Tom Mcrae.

Why...?

When I woke up this morning the dark clouds that threatened my mood had thankfully passed on by. I've had a good day, I am happy with the world, happy with myself and overjoyed at the fact that I could look up and see blue sunny skies today. I do not like being unhappy, but once I find myself heading down it can take a very long time to resurface.

And I took time out to read what I had written last night; and it kind of shocked me. I am well aware I am susceptible to mood swings (isn't everyone?); but when you write down exactly how you're feeling at that moment in time and then look back upon it; you have a no holds barred record of your mindset. 

Which leads me onto my first email I have received through this blog. Someone asked me why put your life out to air for anyone with an internet connection and the inclination to do so, to read?

Well ...... why not? That's not a good enough answer is it?

I guess I have always enjoyed writing, in the past this has encompassed poetry, whereupon I tried to breakdown the human condition, including mine, into minute detail. Question why people do terrible things? Why do we love? What happens when that love breaks down? But I have not written any poetry for about six years, however, recently I got the itch again to write again, but without any inspiration I looked elsewhere. I have had an odd love affair with blogs, mostly through Damien Jurado; so decided to give it a go.

And it started off blandly enough and that is all it was meant to be, random thoughts from a random life. Then it kind of grew into something else, a bit of a journey through life. I finally admitted my sexual persuasion after a long time trying to suppress it; and it was easy to write it down in the blog because no-one close to me knew I was writing it. They may have stumbled across it whilst surfing but the chances were slim; hence anyone who took the time to read it would not know me. All in all it did turn into a personal travelogue of my life and I found it therapeutic, instead of letting the thoughts build up in my mind, I'd write them down, things that made me happy, things that made me sad, things that troubled me; just the things in life that affected me. 

I wanted it to be a true reflection and I think I have stuck closely to that ideal; and it's good to look back upon and trace the recent events of my life; see how I have changed over this short space of time, but more importantly should I carry on with the blog, how I may change over the longer period, say in a year. 

So, and I hope I have answered the question precisely enough, that is why I put my life out to air. To help myself, to provide a record of my life to look back upon; and if anyone else wants to come along for the ride - be it strangers, friends, colleagues or family, well, welcome aboard. The only prerequisite? You do not judge me. Fair enough? 

Confidence breeds new regrets

Well the first day back at work went well in pretty much all aspects; I had time to laugh, joke and catch up on all the gossip. But as the day progressed a darkness began to cast its' shadow over me, I could feel it enshrouding me and when I got home a cold, dark realisation struck me hard. 

Even now, a couple of hours later, I can feel myself sinking deeper into the dark recesses of my mind, a place I have not visited for many a year, a place I only visit when I have troubles of a personal nature. 

Tonight I was hoping to write about my escapades during my holiday last week, but I do not find myself in the right mood or mindset to recount them. Instead my mind and mood is dark, I have written almost a page of poetry, mostly nonsensical stuff of an introvert, foreboding nature. 

Regular readers (if there are any?) of this blog will recount my recent admittance of my sexual orientation; and how Mat and Angharad were the first to know of it. And during this time I began to immerse myself in their trust, telling them things about my personal life that I would normally not, changing to some degree from the quiet and shy guy I was on personal matters to a more open and honest person. They've both been great about it, to the best of my knowledge, the stuff I have told them about me has remained in confidence; and they have been supportive and non-judgmental.

This all sounds great doesn't it, so why the dark mood?

Well, with this new found confidence I think I have spoken too many words, given away too much of my personal life and stripped myself bare to a certain degree. Thoughts and words that would normally remain unspoken have spilled from my mouth like a storm drain in flood; without care or attention. I have publicly eroded the safety barrier, the safe distance I always maintain; I have gone too far and overstepped the mark. I have let these people, sorry, friends take much more than a glimpse into my world and now, after the clamor has died down, I feel the stark reality of my actions which have, I feel, left me exposed and in peril.

And now they have the ammunition of knowing me, of knowing how to wind me up and knowing how to hurt me. Not that I am sure they ever will, but perhaps it would have been better if I had never taken the risk, better if I had played it as I always have in the past and remained silent. Because this may now affect our friendship as it is possible I will actively shun them and push them away to reestablish the safety barrier around me - maybe even hurt them during the process. I do not want to do this, I enjoy their company and friendship but sometimes when I'm scared be it real or otherwise I'll do anything to escape. 

Maybe I need therapy, maybe I need the warm and caring hand of a steady relationship - I don't really know. Maybe I have already lost their friendship and trust, if they read this it is a distinct possibility. But I hope they understand and I hope this darkness does not last, I do not want it to last, I do not want these new regrets.

(Se)X-Factor

Whilst at my parents last night I watched the X-Factor for the first time this series. I normally love watching the first episodes when all the muppets are on, people who are either disillusioned or have the balls to go at it for a laugh. If I had the nerve I think I would also go for it just for a laugh, my 60 seconds of infamy! However, I have missed all the shows this time around.

But anyway the group JLS came out to perform and the guy who was singing lead vocals last night (he may sing lead vocals every week, I'm not sure) is so hot, man the thoughts that were pulsing through my head (pun intended).

I would vote for him every day of the week; and, thinking on, every night of the week too!

Home

I find myself back home again after a week away seeing the folks and my Brother, and a good week was had; and there are stories to be told, stories of Champix, of being ridiculously drunk, of leaves upsetting me should I find the time and the inclination. To be honest it's good being back home and alone, towards the end of the week I was kind of longing for home; for some time to myself, some peace and quiet time. I hope that doesn't come across as being ungrateful for the love and hospitality bestowed upon me by all concerned because it's not meant as such; but for me it can become a little claustrophobic, feel a little suffocating, to spend 24 hours day in day out in close proximity to people, no matter how much I love them. 

That does sound absolutely terrible doesn't it? I am sorry, so sorry, but that's my makeup, my truth, the way I live - if you know me than perhaps you will understand. I am ethereal I admitted that earlier somewhere within this blog. 

Besides my longing for solace I missed my music so much, a week or so without any music kind of dulled my soul and it's good to back here sat in my lounge listening to music and writing away. Talking of writing I actually wrote a bit of poetry this evening, just a couple of verses that I found playing in my mind, but it's a start I guess and the first stuff I've written in about 6 years. I think I have a mental block as I believe I wrote all I needed to write in "The Washing Of The Blood", it's life personified, crystallized and laid out bare; but we'll see.

It's back to work in the morning and something strange has occurred in respect of this, I'm actually looking forward to going back. Normally, after a holiday I absolutely dread the first day back, it tortures the mind, even though I enjoy my work, but not this time. It will be good to get back into the swing of things. 

I must admit I think I have found the almost perfect job, I guess it shows as I'm now into my thirteenth year. But it provides me with as much social integration as I need, I am normally a quiet, introvert kind of guy; but this alter-ego appears at work and I just get out there and enjoy it, I thrive on the challenges, the juxtaposition of it all. It is my extended family to some extent and I live within an elongated moment for 10 hours a day.

I'm heading way off subject now so I'll cut it loose; there are more words but they will be written later.

Listening to: Ryan Adams - Heartbreaker (Vinyl)

Happy Birthday

Makes a change not to write about my simple and (dis)functional life. But it's my Mums birthday today - Happy Birthday Mum, I love you. Yes, I am a mummies boy, but let's be honest, is there a man who isn't?

Anyway I finish work tomorrow for a week and I'm heading on up to see the folks in Wesham, going to do some Birthday shopping, Christmas Shopping and whatever else I find that I can spend some money on; recession, what recession?

But before all that we'll all be heading further North to Windermere in the Lake District, to spend the weekend with my Brother and his partner in a quaint wee cottage, celebrating the Birthday in style.

I won't tell you how long it's been since I have seen or spoke to my Brother, but is obscene, you would talk about me impolitely! We get on fine and all, there's no bad blood, I guess it's just that we live in our separate atmospheres, that and the fact that I do not make much of an effort to keep in touch (I have written something similar previous on here - it must be true); I guess my Brother doesn't either, saying that I don't think he has my new number. There are no excuses are there?

Really looking forward to it all, blessed are those who love you regardlessly; and I am blessed.

Listening to: REM - New Adventures In Hi-fi

Not cool

Well it was the Christmas lights switch-on at work tonight. A near on 3 hour show of acts I have not heard of before, barring one; and I wasn't expecting much to be honest. I have seen and worked many a Christmas lights switch-on event and I have often known of the acts that were performing; but tonight only  one. 

Anyway I was stationed to stage left in the area reserved for disabled patrons and young children; and despite my initial expectations the show turned out to be cracker, fantastic acts, great songs and a real good vibe; although not much of Christmas feel. It looked like there was a huge crowd amassed although my vantage point was far from ideal for crowd monitoring.

There's about 30 to 40 people in the reserved area and the shows coming to an end; all the acts are returning to stage to switch on the lights. I'm stood at the entrance to the reserved area stopping everyone and his dog from entering when one of the acts starts signing autographs at the front of the stage. The crowd surges forward, including within the reserved area and one of my colleagues is struggling at stage front to control the surge and the crash barriers are in danger of being breached. 

I make my way through to the front and start pulling people back from the forward surging crowd taking pressure off the crash barriers and my colleague before positioning myself between the crowd and the barrier. Fortunately another colleague had taken over my vacant position at the entrance. Normal service is resumed and the lights are duly switched on. Happy days, the show is over I thought; but there was no time for celebration. 

The same act return to stage front to sign more autographs, the crowd surges forward again and I'm struggling to hold them back. Meanwhile people are jumping over from the unreserved area into the reserved area to get close to the act and obtain autographs. I cannot do anything, my colleague at the entrance cannot get near me due to the surge, so the crowd swells larger. 

Than all hell breaks loose one of the members of the act throws the hat he has been wearing into the crowd and a fight starts between about 10 people struggling to get hold of this hat. I begin to make my from the front into the middle of the crowd where the fight is breaking out. As I near the centre of the melee the crowd surges from behind me, I cannot see it coming so get pushed forward, then sideways and finally trip over something or someone. I begin to fall to the floor with the crowd surging and fighting all around me - writing this now it's a scary situation but at the time I guess adrenalin kicks in and I didn't really realise the brevity of the situation. Thankfully, as I fall on one bended knee I manage to haul myself up with my other leg to a standing position but my two-way radio has been dislodged from my belt and is on the floor somewhere; I am unable to request assistance. 

I stand in-between the fighting factions, push one group away from the other and hold my ground until the crowd disperses into the night.  My radio is thankfully returned by a good willed member of the public. 

Once the area is clear I look to my left and see a male talking to my manager and pointing at me; I am motioned to come over. The male is unhappy that I apparently jumped into the crowd to stop the fight and in doing so fell onto his baby boy within his pram. The male is ready to punch me for this; which if it were true I would not blame him. I explain my actions and how the crowd surged and tripped me causing me to fall to the ground and assured the male that I would never knowingly jump upon a baby within his pram. After a while the male was alright with this, I went over and spoke to his wife and their little baby son - thankfully everyone was fine and unhurt; the baby was just a little shook up but none the worse for his ordeal.

Once the crowd has fully dispersed I head upstairs for a well earned cigarette and then the reality of the situation kicks in. I could have been easily trampled and seriously hurt, I could have seriously hurt the baby boy, his dad my have lamped me, my left arm starts to hurt and I'm angry at the performer who thought it would be a good idea to throw his hat into the crowd.

Tonight I drink brandy to ease my disposition for tonight was not cool.

Listening to: Tom Mcrae - All Maps Welcome

Silence

Today we had a two minute silence at work for Remembrance Day. It was a really strange experience, how during that two minutes the Shopping Centre, a place that is normally busy and alive from dawn to dusk remained still and silent. It was very eerie, the stillness and silence surrounded me like a shroud; it was a beautiful, fleeting moment in time. 

It was a fitting tribute to all those who have selflessly made the ultimate sacrifice through the years; maybe the stillness and silence is reminiscent of the place the fallen now reside - I hope so.

 

Written in the stars

I always read the stars in the daily newspaper, usually the free Metro newspaper. I do have a slight issue with them,  as they normally read "luck is the number 10" or "don't take chances today" It is usually nonsensical garbage, real vague but I read them anyway and see if they hold the slightest resemblance or relevance to my life.

I sat down for my lunch today and as per normal I enjoy a leisurely read of the Metro newspaper from front to back cover. I get to the stars page, glance down to Aquarius, start reading and almost choke on my sandwich. I don't know if they had a guest astrologist writing; and that guest astrologist kind of knew me, but... well enough said; just read.

Listening to: Kings Of Leon - Only By The Night (Vinyl)

Get in touch

I have added an email address to my profile page. If any of the issues discussed in my blog have affected you please do not write to me about it. Only joking, if anyone wants to get in touch with me, feel free; you never know I may even reply.

If you're a good looking, regular, non-scene guy looking for a boyfriend I will definitely reply.

"The Burgess Walk" hits youtube

That's right folks, "The Burgess Walk" has it's own channel on youtube. 

My colleagues and I are hoping this is going to grow and grow. Encourage your friends, family members and  colleagues to have a go at doing it - it's great fun, it's a great workout, it'll make you thin again!

But please remember whenever and wherever  you do it make sure you record it and post it on "The Burgess Walk" channel on youtube.

I shall lay down the gauntlet and say I believe no one will make me laugh as much as Sid's effort - go on prove me wrong. Should you disprove this statement with your efforts I may even sleep with you, what have you got to lose?

Head on over to youtube and search for "doing the burgess walk" or if you're lazy just click on the link from the top left hand side of blog, it'll transport you to another world.

We are old enough to know better but we do not care

My colleagues and I are ordinary people who, in my opinion, do a difficult and extraordinary job. Other people may not view us this way but when you're in amongst it all day in day out, you realise what a tough deal it can be. 

And they're real good grounded people, people you're glad to have on your side, people you're glad to see when it looks like it all may go pear shaped.

Anyway to relax, to forget about it all and have a laugh we do stupid things from time to time; I think it keeps us just on the right side of sanity.

It's true we are old enough to know better but we do not care, here's some proof:

Boredom & Cigarettes

No it's not a post about a new Oasis song!

Working Sundays are more often than not quiet boring and tedious. However, I can often find plenty of things to pass my time at work and plenty to occupy my mind, but today proved to be the most boring Sunday I have ever worked; certainly in recent memory. 

It was just such a non-event and it became so tedious it started to aggravate and agitate me; it changed my mood for a while and I became a bit wound up by it all.  I have never known boredom to wind me up but today it succeeded. 

And with the boredom came the smoking of many cigarettes, too many cigarettes to be honest; again I cannot remember the last time I smoked so many. But it killed a couple of minutes each time and occupied my mind with thoughts of how many hours of my life had been erased by doing so. But a man needs something to suck on every now and then, doesn't he? Answers on a postcard please!

Listening to: Jeff Buckley - Grace (Vinyl)

I am who I am

Well I've passed my blog details onto some colleagues at work today. They were all interested in watching Sid do "The Burgess Walk" video clip. I guess they will also find out more than they bargained for about me too. Perhaps they already had an idea, it would not surprise; but now they'll know for sure. It will be interesting to see the reaction if nothing else, but I am not afraid and I am not ashamed.

In case you're wondering

I've mentioned Mat a lot and just in case your wondering here's what he looks like, allegedly, only a younger version. 

Sorry Mat!

To readdress the balance Mat reckons he looks more like the photo below, it's perhaps more flattering after all; and who am I to argue - he might beat me up!

Friends...

It's been a strange couple of days from a personal perspective; and I continue to learn new things, things that I have should learned a long time time ago perhaps. But better late than never I guess.

Anyway I've never been a big on trust, I find it real difficult to trust people, to talk about my personal life my hopes, dreams and fears. As previously written I am a very shy guy and can be a real introvert; and in the process of this I may be guilty of pushing those that actually care about me (to some degree) away when I feel threatened by their good natured advances. I have never made a concerted effort to forge good, lasting friendships; preferring instead to drift in and out as and when I please. I often refer to myself as ethereal.

Since Mat and Angharad found out about my sexual tendencies; the fact that I find other men attractive, weird stuff has happened to me. I think I have opened up myself to some degree towards them, let them into this secret world I live in. I have told them things about my personal life, that I wouldn't have done normally; things that I have told no other person - be it family, friends, colleagues, people I have known a whole lot longer than Mat and Angharad.

I guess I am in the process of learning to trust them, and fundamentally it's a big step forward for me.

Furthermore, I have found it a real useful aid, after all this could be a major turnaround in my life and my sexuality. And it's been real good to talk to them about my feelings and thoughts because it also helps me to understand what I am going through and where I stand; perhaps even take some sort of burden off my shoulders.

And through it all they have never judged or ridiculed me, to the contrary they have been supportive and understanding; and I think even happy for me.

Friends eh? They're good to have around.

Doing "The Burgess Walk"

Well, I spoke about my good friend and colleague Sid last night; the guy who loves to live and laugh. Here's some footage of him doing "The Burgess Walk" last night at work. He's basically mocking another colleague and doing it very well, if you know Mr Burgess it makes much more sense and is a whole lot funnier for it. Anyway I hope this video clip shows just how funny Sid is, in my eyes he's a comedy genius. God loves you Sid.

Happy now?

I let it slip at work today that I find men attractive. I was stood at the Customer Service Desk talking to Mat and Angharad. Mat enquired how my search for a lover on the internet was going - Mat and Angharad the only people that knew about my recent foray into the world of internet dating (that sounds old fashioned doesn't it?).

At the time we were dealing with a guy who had lost his carer and I jokingly replied, "perhaps it's him" pointing towards the guy minus his carer. The cat had left the bag in spectacular fashion, Mat seized upon my Freudian slip immediately and I blushed. Not that I am ashamed of this fact, it's just that I'm painfully shy when the spotlight is turned upon my personal life. Why wash your laundry all over town, you know? That said here's me writing it all over the internet for the world and his mate to read, there be a contradiction; but you don't know me right?

Anyway for you Mat, like you need confirmation, 

YES I DO FIND MEN SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE!

Happy now?

Tonight I cried

The television made me cry tonight, it doesn't happen often, television is quite possibly my least favourite medium. The trash that is often broadcast pollutes the mind and gives bias views to a people that are needy of someone to blame, my opinion anyway. 

But tonight I watched "Michael Portillo - Death of a School friend" on BBC Two, the story of a friend of Michael Portillo who killed himself some 40 years ago whilst they were both still at school - aged just 15 years.

A very talented young man, particularly musically, who appeared to have a very bright future ahead of him. But suffering from what is now known to be depression he killed himself by drinking beer and taking an overdose of sleeping pills. 

What a terrible waste, a sad, sad story told; particularly from the views of his parents and younger brother - the pain never really goes away. His parents never spoke of him for the 40 years since, up until the program was filmed. 

By the end of the program you could tell that speaking and revisiting the past, for his parents in particular, kind of helped them immensely; and when their other son played a piece of music composed by their lost son the father said "I feel very proud of both my sons" - the emotion was raw and intense. 

I cried!

Listening to: "I feel very proud of both my sons" still ringing round my head.

The luck of the Irish

Well it's been a couple of poor weeks at work of late, when you just try and keep your head down and try to get on with things as best as possible; without causing a scene or rocking the boat.

And it's real difficult for me, I'm a free spirited guy - I like to have fun at work, share a laugh and a joke along the way, be a little mischievous; but there has been little opportunity for that of late. Furthermore, it appears to me that some of my "esteemed" colleagues are attempting to clip my wings and banish the free spirit that lives within me, I don't know why and I don't care; bastards like that will never crush my soul. But still the lack of fun and mischief has kind of dragged me down of late, going to work day in, day out can get a little soulless at the best of times; perhaps even more so recently. And it started to tell its toll, to be truthful I lost a bit of faith in human endeavour.

Then along comes Friday, a day that started off badly and compounded my loss of faith. I had to get out of the office and went out on patrol, I teamed up with a colleague, Sid. I have always enjoyed the company of Sid, a wonderful, lyrical Irish guy who never stops talking. He has a great outlook and attitude towards life, never appears to let anyone or anything get him down and finds humour in everything. Truth be told I teamed up with Sid purposely to try and shake my dark clouds away; and it worked, boy did it work.

I spent the majority of my shift on patrol with Sid and he waxed away lyrically; and I spent my time roaring with laughter at his tales, jokes and anecdotes. It is a rare gift indeed, I think; the power to make people laugh and smile, to forget about their troubles and woes, just by being the person they are. Fun and laughter are the most powerful of medicines and Sid dispenses such with great warmth and ease. 

He changed my mood, he changed my day, he found the faith I thought I had lost; he is a man amongst men.

Listening to: Ten New Songs - Leonard Cohen