Add to the list

Greetings from Wesham I trust everyone is happy and well. I've found another film to add to the list of ones that make me cry. I've just watched "The World's Fastest Indian" on television, sat around with my folks; and there's me crying my little eyes out. I guess I like the underdog, the person who doesn't know when to quit or who will not quit due to the belief inside. Quite a beautiful movie by the way too - reminded me of a time, before my time, when life appeared to be so simple. It made a connection somewhere within me. 

So I cried and the folks kind of looked upon me all strange and stuff, I can't help it if I'm a ...., I don't know really. A hopeless romantic? An idealist? Mandie would probably call it a sentimental old fool, we'll keep that, I don't mind. 

Oh, and I ate lamb tonight. We had what I was told a cottage pie, so I'm sat there eating it thinking this is really tasty. After finishing it found out it was shepherds pie - lamb. I've not eaten lamb since I was a kid, always thought I didn't like it. Surprised to say the least, after all these years. Perhaps it's the same notion that would not let me admit I liked men in a manner more than being friendly for so long.  Hey, life is so full of surprises!

Love to you all, until later xxx.

Making it back

Hello there dear readers, dear friends. I was hoping to do some kind of New Years Eve post to thank all the beautiful people and friends I am so lucky to have within my life. But I'm going away for New Year so will probably not have the time to do it. So I'll do it now for you, which is probably for the best as I'm still sober and not overly sentimental. 

These past few months have been a wonderful journey of discovery and I truly did not realise I had all these people around me who would turn into blessed friends over the period. All I had to do was open the door and let them into my life, if only I had known earlier. 

I shall raise a glass on New Years Eve and think of you, my friends, the ones who care, who take time out, who make me feel comfortable, who make me laugh; and just let me be me. You have helped me so much, maybe more than you know; and I am just so grateful. 

For New Year I wish you luck, love and happiness. Here's to making it back safe and sound. The songs for you - you know who you are. Always xxx. 

Find me a woman

I had such fun at work today, Zoe just made me laugh so much. What a very funny person.

Ian's driving me up to see the folks next week and Zoe reckons he's only doing it because he fancies a piece of me, you know? Maybe he'll feign a breakdown on route and try it on with me. I thought he was just a good friend doing a good deed, but it's got me thinking now. I like him and all but I think I need to find a woman quick! Sorry Ian, but there's not enough Brandy in the world to make me cross that bridge. 

Then there's the banjo player doing "When I'm cleaning windows", just so, so funny. Zoe and I giggled like maniacs over it for at least 10 minutes. Just one of those comments that painted a picture in the mind and wouldn't leave; it kept coming back to haunt us, to make us laugh.

Happy days, thoroughly good people, a laugh and a joke. I like such days. 

I don't need a woman by the way, I like men - just not all men. 

 

Barely crawling

It has been a beautiful day weather wise, blue skies and low sun. I have never noticed the sun so low in the sky before. From early morning to late afternoon, barely crawling above the horizon. 

The photo was taken at about 2.30 this afternoon, the winter sun already disappearing, so early. 

I love these days, I am so lucky; we are all so lucky. 

This is just so good

Man, I'm feeling sentimental today, but in a good way. True to form I got drunk last night and watched White Christmas; and I cried so much. I think what makes it worse is I have seen the movie so many times and I know what's going to happen and where the scenes are that make me cry; and I start crying before the scene. It's hardly manly is it, but who cares? I like such weaknesses, to show emotion every now and then is no bad thing in my book.

And I've just sent Mandie such a sentimental email, you're right I am a sentimental fool, not sure of the old bit though! 

So I needed to break myself away from this sentimentality; and what better way than listening to this. I have not played it in a good while and forgot just how good an album it is. Serious music, I mean real dark and sinister; it has done the trick. Everyone should own this album, perhaps it's not the best choice for the festive season, but there is always a time and a place for good music. Oh, and the 10th anniversary edition has a great US mix of the album.

From Bing Crosby and White Christmas to The Manic Street Preachers and The Holy Bible. A path rarely tread I imagine; but hey at least it's not that girl who won the X-Factor murdering Hallelujah. There we go I'm back to my normal self. 

A poem

Sid has wrote me a poem, bless, isn't he lovely? He's a very talented man, not only funny but a wordsmith too. The photo above is the original handwritten version, one day it might be worth something, should he ever make it to the big time.

Just in case you can't read it goes like this:

Get me a man quick,

So he can play with my dick,

He must be big and strong,

And have a cool hand,

Handsome and Bright,

And like it hot at night,

Big and tough,

And likes a bit of rough.

I don't honestly know what he is trying to suggest about me? Perhaps that I like men? No, never. Well....

Taste it before you use it

I wrote somewhere on here that you should enjoy the moments for what they are, or something like that.
That moment has just happended, and has made this day of nothingness all worth while. Just one insignificant moment to change everything. It made me laugh so much. It's good to be around people who can make your day.
An innocent radio transmission between Derek B, Syd and I just turned into comedy gold, mostly at my expense, but just so funny.
"Taste it before you use it" - pure genius, it snowballed from there. I will never listen to "Little drummer boy" again without laughing. I wish I could recount the whole transmission but you just had to be here to appreciate it.
Man, I love these guys.

Bored...

It is official, I am now bored. I like to keep my mind occupied but there is little of note to fill it. Nothing. So my mind has been wandering....

I wish I could log onto fitlads from here and send out an SOS call for someone to save me from my boredom. A cute guy for the next couple of hours would help occupy my mind for sure, it would be a nice Christmas present. If nothing else just to kiss and cuddle, I could happily waste a couple of hours kissing and cuddling.

There is not even any remotely cute guys out on the streets, I've walked around for a couple of hours and only seen old men and the odd woman; they all look kind of lost and lonely, I hope I am wrong and they are not. No-one deserves to be lost and lonely.

Alas it is not meant to be I guess, not today anyway, nevermind. Only a few hours left and I'll be out of here, it will be over. I can go home and get drunk, maybe even watch White Christmas and cry like a baby; man that movie always makes me cry so much.

Do pigeons realise?

The streets are empty and quiet, the odd person, the odd car. We are outnumbered by pigeons, there are many of them, everywhere. I think they are enjoying the peace - rejoicing in being able to go about their business without fear of being disturbed by humanity.
Sometimes I think too much, but with little else to occupy my mind, I will think these thoughts.
Merry Christmas pigeons, do you realise it is Christmas?

Peace & goodwill

Good morning friends and may I wish you all a very happy Christmas. Why do I blog on Christmas day? I'm at work, that's why; but it's cool.
The walk into work was interesting this morning; I had to step very carefully always looking down, playing dodge the vomit. I have never seen so much vomit on the pavement before, patches here, there, everywhere.
Upon my arrival at work I was informed there was a 30 man brawl earlier this morning in the Town Centre. People stabbed, run over and just utter chaos by the sounds of it. Christmas has well and truly come to Stockport.
Perhaps it's a sign that everyone had a good time, a new way of celebrating Christmas? Are we all supposed to get drunk beyond our limits, partake in a mass brawl and try to maim one another?
Whatever happended to peace and goodwill? I like peace and goodwill.

Revelations

Christmas can be a sentimental time, when your mind casts back through all that has passed over the year; and all that is yet to come at this very special time. Friends, family, loved ones, fun and laughter should all ensue at this time of year, it is a time when you should forgive and forget, and just enjoy the moments for what they are.

Me, well I am alone, I am away from the people I love within my life, just because of circumstance; but I am not lonely. I know I am surrounded by their kind thoughts and their love, it keeps me safe and warm; and is a light within the darkness. I can feel it and I know, I just know...

Earlier this evening I had company, it was not planned, it was out of the blue. A friend was passing by so thought he'd check in and say hello. It was great to see him even though it was a surprise, we had a coffee and a chat; and it was all the more special for just being so different, so innocent, you know? Just a friend taking time out to say hello, making sure I was alright - a gesture of human kindness; so pure, so sincere. 

It's the small things in life that overwhelm me, simple words, a kiss or a cuddle and a caring smile from a familiar, friendly face means so much; more than I could possibly convey. People are at their most beautiful when they act so selflessly, without even knowing it, because that is what they do. 

It is extraordinary to behold, to be graced with such warmth, to see a vision of such transparency; when there is no intention other than the kindness within their actions.  

It is a revelation, a tale so delicate, precious and fragile it could disappear off the page and into the ether. I only wish that I could photograph such emotion. It would look so beautiful.

Happy Christmas my friends; you are all as beautiful. xxx 

It means everything

Hello again blogger, dear readers and friends I was not going to post again tonight but I changed my mind. I need to say something or more to the point I need to think out loud and you are the best place to think these thoughts. I just hope they make some kind of sense.

I have grown to love Sunday evenings and treat them as a time for quiet reflection; for all the beautiful things the weekend bestowed upon me. And I am sat here now writing to you in silence and darkness, save for the lights on the Christmas tree. It is such a special time, I can hear the rain falling outside, but I am safe and dry. I am warm inside - a contented warmth, of knowing that I am at peace with myself and I am happy. I hope it shows, I have not written bad stuff on here for some time now, only good and often funny thoughts.

I have learned many things about myself and the people that surround me. I have let the daylight into my life and have used it to see my life is filled with beautiful people and realised that I am so lucky. My friends are so sweet and nice, when I was so scared to tell them I was gay, just terribly confused inside, I used this blog to announce it because I did not know how to speak the words, I just had no idea. I thought they may see me differently, treat me differently and maybe even disown me. But they just carried on treating me like they always have done, no fuss or drama - no change, except for the better.  There is untold treasure in taking that first step, in being brave. Now I can speak those words, be who I want to be and see that people are still happy for me; because I am, as always, the same reflection within their eyes.

It's a sharing of my life, on every imaginable level, a sharing I thought I would never be able to do. I was once scared and that often held me back; sometimes I am still scared but I now know I can overcome the fears. And with that sharing comes new found joys and pleasures; a new outlook on the world, a new trust in people, new friends and different experiences. Perhaps it is wrong to pick out certain friends, because everyone has been wonderful, but I will.

Mandie and Gill are just the finest, who I have always got on with real well. But since they found out, that friendship has grown stronger, I truly don't know why, but it has. And their love is unequivocal, totally and utterly; it is beyond my comprehension. It could bring me to tears if I thought about it too much, seriously, it blows me away.  Just two of the nicest people I could ever hope to have on my side, who bring happiness, laughter and understanding to my life. And Gill is just the sweetest person too, she worries about me you know? I hope he's safe and being careful and all; I mean, isn't that just the most beautiful thing a friend can do for you? To look out for your safety, to care that much? 

So I'll take this opportunity to thank you, all of you, for being there, a part of my life; for listening, for understanding, for caring, for being a friend, for just being you. It means everything.

Wishing you the warmest and safest of nights my friends, sleep well. I love you xxx.

Pointless

Have you ever caught yourself doing something you know is just utterly pointless? Something you realise has absolutely no reason at all? And despite being armed with this knowledge you continue to do it anyway, for an unknown purpose; even when instead of doing the utterly pointless you know you could be spending your time doing something constructive. 

I do, in fact I just have. 

Ironing underwear - why? It is something I always have done and continue to do despite knowing better. I have just wasted however many minutes doing it and to compound the matter I am now wasting a further however many minutes writing to you to tell you about it. Why?

It escapes me, completely. It doesn't need it, it doesn't really make it look any better; and if it did few people would notice the fact, because it's for the most part, hidden. Well, barring the younger generation who wear the jeans that slip down to the thighs and show off whatever underwear they're sporting. Some nice sights admittedly for a guy like me, but now I'm heading further off subject - reel me back in.

And once you're wearing it, using it for its intended purpose, it soon gets spoiled, doesn't it?

You know, I have never took off a guys trousers................. It sounds better if I don't finish the sentence.

Okay, I'll carry on.

You know, I have never took off a guys trousers and said the following, "Sorry love, I can't go through with this, I'll have to go now, looks to me like you've not even ironed your underwear." That sentence just does not exist, who cares? It's pointless. 

Scars of lust

Well this photo was going to end up as a post on my other blog, Postcards from nowhere. It was going to be entitled "No shave days are the best", which they are, does any man actually like shaving day after day? 

Anyway whilst taking the photo I noticed some unusual marks on the side of my neck, and upon closer inspection in the mirror it looks like someone or something has been chewing at me. No idea how this has happened, perhaps I was attacked by a bat in my sleep or something? 

So instead it ended up on this blog with some words of explanation because I wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong impression. 

Thank goodness I don't bruise easy, it would be a bit stupid for a 36 year old guy walking around with what looks like love bites on his neck, wouldn't it? It's not a respectable look.

Whilst I'm thinking about it who in the world thought up love bites? Invented them? And how did they catch on? Oh, I love you so much and to show my affection I'll have a nice chew on your neck. Hardly romantic is it? And you wouldn't read about it in a Mills & Boon novel would you?

Lust bites, that's what they should be called, because that's all they are; scars of lust. Mine is not but others are!

Todays top tip-sponsored by Secure-a-Door

Well my friends, if you're going to get your back door battered in every now and then, it's a good idea to know what you maybe letting yourself in for. The photo above is an example. This is my back door, it has been battered in, but is now on the road to recovery. As you can see, the edges are still a little tattered, a little torn but that will heal eventually. The specialists who examined the door advised me it stood up very well taking into consideration the amount of hammering it had endured. Over the coming weeks I am told it will heal completely just as long as it does not get any further battering. I will try my best, I promise!

To help me keep my promise I have installed a security door over my back door. This is a heavy duty, lockable version and is designed to keep unwanted intruders out. They can batter away at the security door but my back door will remain untouched. The photo below relates. Access to my back door can now only be gained by a key, of which I am the only person in possession of. I feel much safer, more secure now, it has given me peace of mind. I am in complete control of my own destiny.

Innuendo - what? Where?

What do you want from me?

Hello blogger, hello my friends - it's been a while hasn't it? Sometimes life just goes on I guess with little of note to fill it; but that is good from time to time. Saying that I'm now playing catch-up, it's been  a busy weekend, so here's a thought from yesterday.

I noticed them early in the morning as I was doing breakfast and they stayed there all day; watching, looking on, in silence. Motionless but always there like a penance. It is my phobia, well one of them actually, probably the worst. 

I do not like birds (no pun intended), they scare me; I'm alright if they're flying high getting on with bird business, but up close and personal I am so petrified. I have to get away fast, they freak me out and I'll run over anyone or anything to escape them in a blind panic.

I had a nightmare about birds a few months back and it's still etched within my mind. I was at work, walking around when a pigeon flew out of the sky and landed on my chest. This thing is clung on to my chest, flapping it's wings furiously and won't let go. I woke bolt upright in bed, breathing hard, heart racing and scared out of my mind. 

And they are there again today, not as many, but they are still there. What do you want from me?

Stupid joke

Q. What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A. Piiig.

Stupid and childish, I know; but it made me laugh. Tells a story I guess. 

Err.... no!

I was walking around at work this afternoon when I was stopped by some woman. Some woman who I have absolutely no recollection of whatsoever, but it was so obvious she knew me from some years back.

I know my mind is unforgiving and can only remember unimportant stuff like song lyrics, but isn't it so embarrassing?  This woman knew my name, where I used to live, my parents and even my dog; and she was waxing away to some tune. How have you been? How's life treating you? Do you remember Paul? Never mind Paul - whoever he is, who are you? 

So I'm stood there listening, trying to look attentive and agreeing with everything she's saying, all the while racking my brain, trying to remember who this woman is; and it's not working, just nothing. In such situations the simplest thing to do is admit you have no idea who the person is, but no. Instead I'm stood there treating this woman like a long lost friend, "oh yes, Paul, he did what? I never would have thought that of him." Who? 

So anyway, the woman is going at it like a train and by the time she's finished I've learned she's been married, is now divorced and has three kids to show for it. What a lively existence it has been for you mystery woman, I'm thinking.

Than comes the million dollar question. "Are you not married yet, settled down with some kids?" 

Err...... no! Worst part of it? Little Miss Mischief is stood by my side trying her hardest not to laugh. Of all the people, you know?

And don't even get me started on the story of the turkey in the rucksack. Trust me, no. 

Window shopping

Today I was walking past Topman and in the window was a poster, an advert for the shop; now there's nothing new there. I kind of glanced at it in passing, half paying attention, then a second or two later it registered in my mind. I stopped, turned around and walked back to take another look.

Oh my........ how cute. 

What a seriously hot looking, totally adorable guy we have here then. Maybe not on the same par as Aston, but he runs him a close second I think; and you wouldn't mind undressing him and taking him to bed would you? Well I wouldn't anyway. 

And what else is a guy in love with a Topman advert supposed to do? Well, take a photo of him, the poster advert man; and share it with the world, of course. Sad? Maybe. But you never know someone that knows him may read this, if this happens please pass on the following message:

"Damn right he is a top man and I would be his bottom any day or night of the week. "

Is this too much information? 

Was that a rhetorical question? 

Sorry!

Postcards from nowhere

I have started another blog called "Postcards from nowhere". There are no words, it is composed of photographs only. 

I do not know what it is really worth nor what it is hoping to achieve. It is as random as the photographs I may or may not post there. 

Perhaps it is a hoping of understanding, a message that does not require words or a message where you provide the words? But it is different to this blog and yet, somehow, is still the same.

I've been thinking of doing this for a while so I have collected a fair few photographs for it, hence, there is a lot of posts tonight. It will probably die down.

The link is provided on my profile page and in the links column to the left. 

Give us a clue

+

+

+

=

Why did it take so long to figure out? I don't know, the clues were always there. A single guy, living on his own buying potpourri, scented candles, eeyore soft-toys and a James Blunt CD for his bachelor pad. 

I'm seriously embarrassed by the James Blunt CD, I should never really admit to owning that. I've only played it like twice or something, but you're not going to believe that are you?

Love the group photo of my eeyores, they all look happy together, bless. I want them to be happy.

That's it for the weekend, but it has been a good one all round. Fun, laughter, alcohol and other stuff enjoyed throughout. Thanks to those who were part of it, who made it what it was. Let's do it all again sometime soon.... xx.

Naked

Merry Christmas from me to you, all of you, wherever you are in this world. 

Whatever you are or are not doing, I hope it is special to you, it means something to you and brings joy to you and whoever you love. 

I hope you are free and happy. 

Be thankful for the things you have within your life; the small, insignificant things, they mean so much, cherish them dearly. 

Smile at someone, be nice, pay a compliment - make their day. 

If you cannot find the energy I will smile for you. 

Because we are all in this together, forever. 

And we are never alone even when it's difficult to find a friend, my friend.

I know, trust me, sometimes I know.

When there is sadness where there should be happiness. 

It will not last, believe in tomorrow, a better day.

Just hold on, please hold on.

Despite the words I have used in the past.

And may repeat in the future.

They were an error.

There is only one truth.

No-one is lost.

Nothing is hopeless.

Never.

Peace and love xxx.

Oh Christmas tree

One of the things I have accomplished today, erecting the Christmas tree. I'm kind of late with it this year, but it's the first day I've had free in a while; I don't like to rush such things - I need time, otherwise I can get upset with myself.

Love this tree, I know the photo's kind of poor - I used my mobile phone to take it; but the silver and white decorations compliment the blue micro lights so well, just looks amazing in the dark. Still doesn't feel like Christmas though, I don't know, but it seems like it's come around too fast this year, has arrived too early. Maybe it's me, it's one of the disappointments of growing older, this time of year just does not feel that special anymore - the magic has gone. Mind I am 36 so perhaps it is time I grew up?

Never mind, here's a Christmas tree joke to cheer you all up.

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man? 

It stays up for 12 days and nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on!

Todays top tip-sponsored by Specsavers

If you wear glasses to help you see things better, it is a very good idea to wear them when you go out for the night. It helps bring focus and clarity to the world around you. Much better than left lying lonesome on the kitchen table.

I've read that Specsavers are also bringing out a special edition rose-tinted lens for winter, to help those who suffer from Seasonal Adjustment Disorder - it paints this mean old world in a whole new light, a nice rosy glow!

Jigsaw pieces of the mind

I've got loads to do to today, much more important things than writing to you blogger, but I need to get this off my mind. It's nothing bad, it's kind of funny actually, very funny in fact - I am now laughing whilst thinking about it. 

Opportunities to learn should not be discarded and here is my lesson for today. Do not mix the above, no matter how much of a good idea it seems at the time, just don't. Either give up drinking or leave your mobile phone at home, trust me, it will save a load of embarrassment. 

I woke up this morning feeling kind of delicate, with a hazy memory to match the weather outside. After caffeine and nicotine I started to come around and the jigsaw pieces in my mind began to come together. Oh dear......

I remembered laughing, hard and loud, at a joke I received via text last night. I looked in my inbox to revisit it and it wasn't there, it's not anywhere within my phone. But there are other messages, oh man, so, so embarrassing. Then when searching through the sent messages.... ground open up and swallow me please, that was not me surely. I always thought alcohol made me chilled out and quiet - I may have to reappraise this thought; as it appears it makes my tongue loose. Remind me to never blog after alcohol. 

There's a message about my phone being on vibrate keep texting me, a message about what Aston can do to me in no uncertain terms, an apology, a message about beer goggles, a reply to the joke, and a message about how my hair needs cutting. What the...? At a guess I think the joke I received  must have been about hair or hairdressers, because the hair message I sent is just so random and makes no sense at all. 

So funny though, just brilliant, I hope I didn't cause any offence last night, if I did it was not meant. These are the moments in life that become memories, become imprinted on the mind, which I will revisit and laugh so much. We should go out and get drunk one night, then again......

xx.

This is not me

Well it is me, but it's not. I'm not comfortable like this, kind of dressed up some - it doesn't suit me, I feel different, out of tune with it all. I'm at ease in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, I guess it feels homely and safe, it is what I am used to. 

I rarely go anywhere if there is some kind of dress code beyond slouch wear, if they cannot be bothered to let people into their establishment without a shirt and a pair of pants then I really do not want to know. I have never seen the point in making a concerted effort to dress accordingly. You may call it a rebel instinct, I'll refer to it as lazy or some kind of phobia, is there a phobia for dressing up? And if so, what is it called? Maybe tomorrow I'll google it.

That said, here I am being a hypocrite and stretching the boundaries both in attire and establishment tonight. It's kind of freaking me out a bit, making me nervous, I really am not comfortable with this whole thing; that's why I'm writing to you blogger in an attempt to ease my nervous disposition. And it was only supposed to be a quick entry, but my mind is racing and my hands are shaking so much I am making many errors. 

Time to go, but hopefully my effort will be rewarded, see you tomorrow. Good night. xx

Dream on

I have been sleeping so well of late, real deep sleeps and waking up bright and refreshed. However, this morning I awoke kind of confused and amused - I had a gay dream, seriously. Now I'm not one who normally dreams a great deal, just every now and then - and if I do the details are somewhat sketchy. But last nights dream was so vivid and lucid it has stuck with me throughout the day; and has made me giggle to myself at random moments.

It is embarrassing though, because it concerns a male colleague. I don't know why this person cropped up in my dream but he did. It's not like I fancy him or nothing; but anyway here's the story.

I was at work walking around with this male colleague, we were talking about the current recession and how bad it was. Walking past Woolworths I said something like, "It shows just how bad things are when a company like Woolworths is on the brink of collapse." The conversation continues and it's deep and meaningful about world economies and the like. (Stuff I always talk about, you know?)

We keep on walking and, for some reason, head up onto the Marketplace, we walk past the Market Hall and turn to go down one of the brows onto Little Underbank. Now, it's unclear who initiated this bit, but we end up against the wall embraced in a long and passionate snog. I'm staring into his eyes enjoying every minute and I guess he is too because it doesn't stop. And it felt so real, just crazy, like it actually was happening. 

Then, well.... nothing; I must have woke up. I didn't get to explore any further, maybe it's for the best, maybe it would have been fun, who knows?  Ever since I've been trying to figure out why did I enjoy it so much when I don't fancy him? Man, I don't know but I guess I could have picked a far worse colleague to snog. 

And before you ask, no I will never speak his name. 

Fault-lines of the soul

There are bad people in this world my friends, bad people in my life, it's as sad as it is true. People who, I guess, don't like to see others happy and content with the world; who want to try and upset the apple cart some, you know? People who you begin to trust and accept into your life to some degree, who you confide in and feel comfortable with. People who then use the confidence they have gained to use against you. A mistrust. 

I have confided maybe too much, given such people the insight and the understanding of knowing how to displease me and to unsettle me. It's very sad, it's hopeless - you expect such people to be happy for you. It has angered me in the past and I have let that anger show to some degree, I have taken the bait, let them know that they are winning. But winning what? A war of attrition? They are more than welcome to attrition - perhaps it's what such people thrive upon and live for. I do not need it within my life, I attempt to treat people the way I wish to be treated; I may not always succeed, but at least I try.

It saddens me, not personally, but I feel sad for them. What kind of life must they lead where the only satisfaction they derive is when they attempt to deprive others of their happiness and to blight their day? Maybe there are answers that should not be sought? But there are lessons to be learned, always.

Do not let bad people into your life my friends, just walk away. Choose to fill your life with fun, joy, wonder and laughter whenever and wherever possible. Look up and see the beauty and the mystery instead of down at the cracks in the pavement - the fault-lines of the soul. 

He's cute can I take him home?

What happens if you press that button? Oh, it captures an image on the laptop webcam.

There's me caught red handed whilst surfing the internet, searching for a cute guy on fitlads.net again. I brought Andy along to help me because he's straight and may serve better judgement as it appears my taste in men is not good! 

Now... I think I have found what I'm looking for and judging by the expression on Andy's face it's a good one. Mandie will be very impressed!

Laughter, blame and the straw poll

During my time I have been blamed for many things - the current recession, dodgy pork from Ireland and global warming amongst others; and I don't mind this, I've got broad shoulders so I'll take some of the blame. However, I am not to blame for everything and one thing I'm certainly not guilty of is being a bad influence to Mandie. Now I get blamed for this on a daily basis, usually by Mandie, but it is not the truth, it is in fact nothing more than a convenient excuse.

The problem is, in my opinion, we are too similar - we have the same wicked sense of humour, we are roughly the same age (Mandie being the older of us by a few years! - Sorry), have the same outlook on life and, hey, we both like men. 

So we are equally to blame, we get on too well, we find fun and laughter in the same, sometimes strange places; in short we are a bad influence on one another. And it's great, I love Mandie, she's a top friend who brightens my day up and whom I have laughed with until it hurt, seriously. 

However, there is one thing that we disagree on, one major hurdle we cannot cross; and that is Aston from JLS. As the world is now aware I so love this guy, whilst Mandie cannot see the attraction at all, and chooses instead to mercilessly ridicule me for my bad taste. We even held a straw poll of random people, mostly women, on this issue and unfortunately it appears I am on my own. Perhaps it's a gay male thing or maybe it's just me, I hope it's the latter - then I won't have to share him!

Anyway, as this issue snowballs out of control, I think I'm in for one major embarrassment at the hands of Mandie. She's making me an "I love Aston" banner, or something along those lines. Should this banner materialise (unfortunately I think it will) and against my better judgement I'll share it with you along with the photos of me in pain, probably from embarrassment but mostly from laughter. 

Top friend sharing happy times!

Back in the day

Those were the days my friends when I used to like women and I used to have hair. And I'll be the first to admit that my choice of women was not that good and my shocking ginger locks were not that cool. Such a wasted youth in many respects.

The photo was taken a good few years back, Lynne and I fooling around with some daft headgear; and I found it today lurking within the dark recesses of my hard drive.

I was joking about Lynne by the way - a lovely women who keeps my trashy mouth in check. I never had ginger hair either - just for the record.

I need an editor

There's a photo of me being kind of shy and embarrassed after re-reading yesterdays blog about Aston from JLS. Why do I tell you these things? I don't know, I guess it's a gift from me to you, an early Christmas present, a gift of sharing. There we go, bless, aren't I kind and thoughtful!

Talking of Christmas presents I sure would like to have Aston wrapped up just for me, then I could slowly unwrap him and play with him all day, every day. Oh man, here we go again...

I need an editor, I think that's the problem, a person who could filter out all the randomness. Some bird who used to be a journalist said she was going to check in on my blog - perhaps she could do it? Could you do that Zoe? Sorry for referring to you as some bird! 

Let me tell you it kind of freaked me out when Zoe said she would check this out, mostly due to the fact that she used to be a journalist and I thought she would come back and tell me how crap I was, like my writing style is all over the place and it's unfocused and the punctuation is incorrect, etc. But she never did, well not yet anyway; she hasn't said a good thing about it either, come to think about it she has never mentioned it at all. Oh well.... perhaps when she found out I was gay she kind of lost interest, maybe she had the same thoughts about me that I have for Aston? Now I have shattered her dream!

Tell Pete I said hi

If anyone out there in the internet world knows Pete Bradley, he used to live in Hyde, I think - perhaps he still does; it's been so long and we've lost touch, I don't know. But anyway tell him I said hi and ask him to get in touch.

Pete would love this kind of thing, this blog; I think it would make him laugh so much. How I have turned my life into print and been kind of brave in the process. Pete would be happy for me I'm sure; and I would like to see him happy for me. For many years he helped me through a whole load of stuff, he was my guide, the light in the darkness, the person I could always depend on. He was the first person I would show my poetry to, he would read it and see me within it - he could read me like a book.

He could read this blog and see all the humour in it; it's his kind of humour. And I miss him, during both the good and bad times, he would make sense of the world, he would make me smile, laugh at myself and keep my feet planted firmly on the ground. I liked talking to Pete.

Why do we let such good friends slip silently through our fingertips?  

You are what you smoke

What did you think I was going to say, dick? Well, perhaps that would be a bit more appropriate, I'm not altogether all of the time! You weren't expecting that either? Okay enough already. I had such fun with my last post using pictures to spell the message out I thought I would do it again.

Yes, I'm currently using EZEE cigarette papers, does that make me so? Aston, if by any chance of the imagination you stumble across this blog, yes I am. Lord knows how much I love you!

It's fun time folks! Remind me again - how old am I?

I Love ..... (Part One)

Well, yesterday was a bad day but it is now over, to some degree; over in my mind at least. And I apologise if the words I used yesterday caused offence to anyone reading them, barring who it was intended for, I am sorry.

But it didn't get me down, it angered me - you may have noticed, it gave me focus and clarity. Away with all the bad people and bad thoughts in the world, let us be happy again, share our love, our life, our happy moments. 

So I'll share this with you, I wrote about it earlier in this blog somewhere, but just in case you missed it. I so love this guy, seriously, I have a crazy teenage crush on him. He is just so cute and adorable and sweet, oh man I just want to take him home and love him to bits. 

And it is so gay to think such thoughts, I know, but I don't mind that; I don't mind being so gay - these days are perhaps the most comfortable I have been with myself; and if people would just let me be I would be so happy too.

I understand I'm a hopeless romantic, hopelessly lost in a daydream; but please let me dream for a few minutes more.

XX.

This one's for you

(                                )

Nothing

Post edit.

More youtube videos

I've posted some more videos on youtube of colleagues, mostly Sid, doing Burgess inspired things. Amongst them is Sid "Doing The Kelly Walk"; mocking another colleague. Very funny as always, unfortunately they were filmed sideways and I can't readjust them - so they're not viewer friendly unless you want to hold your monitor through 90 degrees. 

Sid is just the funniest person I know, he grasps hold of the moment and lives it. 

Head on over to youtube via the link on the left hand side of my blog, have a laugh and vote them top of the tree.

Do not believe the hype

My Facebook account has been deleted or whatever they call it. I think it's still on there somehow but it's no longer active, that's the word I was looking for, my account has been deactivated. 

Seriously, it's the most overhyped, useless piece of stuff I have ever encountered. Just don't do it if you've got a life, do other things, spend all your time writing nonsense on Blogger. Trust me.

Christmas

I got home from work tonight and walked into the kitchen without bothering to turn the lights on. Looking through the kitchen window I noticed a party of lights emanating from the garden next door. What the ....? I strained to take a closer look and Christmas had well and truly come home. 

It looks fantastic, I like people who make an effort, who celebrate in style, have fun. My neighbours are way old enough to know better but best of luck to them, sod the electricity bill and the recession lets dress the garden up with all these funky lights. I like the attitude in their statement, let's cheer the world up some. 

I thought it was you .. eventually

Whilst at work today, strolling through Stockport I passed a guy I thought I recognised. As we passed he smiled my way and said hi, I smiled and said hi back. It was a fleeting moment, I was racking my brain to remember who he was, I looked behind me to catch another glimpse of him and found him looking back at me. Then it hit me, it was a guy I'd been recently talking to on fitlads. 

I looked again to see him but he'd gone, disappeared into the crowd. I know I'm kind of shy, but you should have stopped me, I would have stopped myself but for my unforgiving mind, seriously. Man, I'd have even shouted up a coffee, maybe next time?

Anyway I messaged him when I got home from work to confirm my suspicion and sure enough it was right. I told you I'd write about it in my blog!

That smile man, so cute, I adore cute! x.

Did I write that?

I feel much better after my last post, that little rant did me good, Blogger you are my therapy!

I have just re-read my post entitled "Demons, demons come out to play" and it made me laugh out loud. I write some seriously funny stuff without realising it, stuff that isn't supposed to be funny but taken out of context has a whole new meaning.

I wrote the following, "I wished I had not admitted my sexuality, learned how to open my mouth and let people in."

What? I wondered what the sore on the corner of my mouth was from and why I had been suffering from indigestion of late! Sick, sick puppy - yes, I know, but it sure is fun.

I do not understand

I made an innocent comment to a female friend today, really innocent - no irony or hidden agenda, just nothing. And the reaction I got was horrific, I mean way over the top, crazy stuff I do not understand. 

Than came the guilt trip over it - a long and winding road of guilt; and it's not like I don't have enough guilt at times but here's some more just to make sure anyway. Why? Does anyone know? Because I don't. 

Perhaps, it's just desserts, I expect to be treated with cotton gloves whilst mistreating whoever I wish. The shoe on the other foot sure does not feel good. I don't mind people having a laugh at my expense if it's good natured but I despise guilt trips - people making you feel bad about yourself just because they can. 

I think friends at work do not mix well, because I feel at times like I'm treading on eggshells, trying not to upset anyone or say the wrong thing. Then when you think you're on safe ground, well.... think again. I know you've got to try and get on because you work with them, and perhaps that is the problem, I cannot just walk away. It's too much like hard work, it unsettles me and restricts my free-spirited nature.  

Tomorrow it could get even worse, it would not surprise if there is another guilt trip awaiting me for the comments I made to her friend on Wednesday, which I documented last night. Maybe this will be good in some respects, maybe it's time to stop communicating, to stop being friends. So I can say whatever I want without a hint of remorse, although I know that is far from a brave thing to do.

I don't know, I am just thinking aloud now, not meaning to write these words down, I don't think I really mean them. Just trying to get rid of this train of thought. I am dwelling on a head full of stupid stuff too much again, move on, sink or swim.

Women can be so fickle and tetchy (says he who is not!) I am thankful I no longer wish to have a relationship beyond friendship with them. 

Mercy

I messed up big time with someone yesterday, someone who has been a real good friend to me. My actions sometimes belie my heart and I know everyone makes mistakes; but it was so, so bad.

They were going through some real bad stuff and they trusted me enough to confide in me and my reaction was heartless. I upset them, I didn't mean to. But I think if the tables had been turned I would probably never speak to them again. 

The guilt that followed was remorseless and I confided my regret with other people, I needed repentance. Mercifully my apologies were accepted and we got on okay thereafter. I am a good person, I know that; and I have differing views to others on a wide range of issues, but there is a time and a place to air those views and yesterday was not one of them. 

My friends are so good to me and I repay them with hurt and distress, I need to learn restraint, to stay within acceptable boundaries - as they often have to with me; or learn to live without friends. Why people keep accepting me back is a mystery.

I am so very sorry, I find myself apologising way too much. I have not let this get me down although the awkward silences often speak volumes. Please do not persecute me, even if I do sometimes appear to deserve it. 

My favourite photograph

Man I love this photo, I've been meaning to get a copy of it for a long time; and when I visited the folks last month I seized the opportunity. I don't own many photos of myself or the folks and this is the only one with all three of us together, I think. They say a picture is worth a thousand words and it is, perhaps even more. 

It was taken during a boat trip of the Melassini Caves in Kefalonia in May 2006. Wonderful place, just beautiful; and when I first saw the photo again after over two years the memories just came flooding back - the moment is still so vivid in the mind. So I thought I would share it with you; share my happiness and my memories.

This photo makes me so happy I will refer back to it when I am not, it may help.

These are the people that shaped me, loved me, cared for me and helped me without any conditions; and continue to do so today regardlessly. Being a parent is perhaps the toughest job in the world, I could not do it, but thankfully I had two people who excelled at it. 

I love you xxx.

It's amazing what you can buy these days

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Readdress the balance

I've received a second email about this here blog; this time I know the person and they kind of know me too. Hi there I hope you enjoy reading my random thoughts, you now know what my brain feels like, lucky you!

Why don't I swear within the blog, you ask? Yes, you do know me personally, for those that don't I do swear too frequently, most of the time in fact. And it's not big and it's not clever; it does not make me a better person - I have a trashy mouth, it belittles me to be honest. I know many more better words, big, complicated words but I work with uneducated people, so I revert to primeval instincts and just swear a lot, they understand these words and we communicate better for it. (For those I work with it's a joke people!) I have yet to answer the question have I?

Well, I made a silent promise from the start to not swear within the blog. You never know who may read this and I don't want to encourage such language. I'm a reasonably well educated man and I know many words, and all of them are better than swearing. It makes it all universally friendly, some people find such language offensive and it's good to escape my trashy mouth for a while. Why swear just for the sake of it, you know? There's no need. However, I do have secret formula for when I'm really desperate to swear, if you read my posts again and replace the word "stuff" with a four letter beginning with s - a terminology for feces, well that's as close as it's going to get.

Second question (two questions in one communication, you are greedy!) I didn't know you had all this stuff going in your head, are you okay? Yes, there is no need to worry, I'm fine; but thanks for your concern. I think I worried over this too somewhat; people see me as a happy, carefree guy - which I truly am. Sure I have problems and occasional worries like everyone else and I've started to document them here. But this was the question I had been fearing, because people who know me may read this and then get this totally screwed up image of the guy underneath the smile; the veil of mystery I portray and start to treat me differently. Please don't, if this kind of stuff unsettles you in some respects then stop reading it. 

I am only trying to reveal the mysteries beneath the veil, primarily as a document for me. Life goes by so fast - it's good to have a record of where it leads me and some of the places are not nice. Yes, there are, what I refer to as, demons in my head; seeds of self-doubt, issues of self-confidence and shyness - but it's me, always has been and always probably will be. It's my genetic make up and it would not be a true account if I did not refer to them. 

Perhaps I am guilty of paying my demons too much attention when they crop up, over emphasizing them and letting them prey silently, heavily on my mind. Allowing them to blight my mood and my day. Then when I commit them to this blog they may appear to be darker then they really are because I have to find a voice for them, a description. But, for the most part, they are irrational worries of laughable proportions in a life full of joy, wonder and love. 

I would not change any part of my life, truthfully, I love it, I love myself and I love you, all of you. That's the most important part of life, I think, to love yourself and others despite the faults, fears and phobias. I hope this puts your worried mind at rest, let me worry about me, I'm real good at it! 

Normality is good

Today has been a good day, I am happy and content again. It has been nice to just have a normal day - no drama or crisis on any level; not having to worry about things of the house type, having to leave work to wait around aimlessly for a surveyor. To have a clear mind and a clear road ahead of me for the rest of the week is a happy thought. I am a normal guy who finds enjoyment in normal things. Normality is good. Everyone at work is now aware of my house problems and I do not find myself repeating a story I would rather forget.

Perhaps this has been the underlying problem to my low times of late, my mood swings; up one day and down the next. I am not used to dealing with stuff that's totally out of my control. It's a new experience and not a nice one, I do not wish it upon anyone. I put on a brave public face whilst inside it hurt like hell. But things will soon be sorted for good, turn the page and start a new chapter.

So today was good for it's blandness, I praise blandness for it's company; that and the fact that there were some real nice, cute guys out and about in Stockport today. I thought about taking some photographs of them on my mobile phone and posting them on here; but I think that is probably against the law ;-).

And I must say a big thank you to Karen, I think that's her name, the Manager of Ernest Jones; who was very kind and helpful whilst arranging a replacement watch for me today. I know that's her job but I like people who are genuinely nice and make you feel welcome. 

Listening to: Ryan Adams & The Cardinals - Cardinology (Red Vinyl)

IMPORTANT - I need feedback

This is important and I need some feedback if someone could be so kind. I was checking my blog on the computer at work today and I noticed I could hardly read it; the colour of the text against the colour of the background made it almost impossible. It looks perfect on my MacBook and I like the colour ways but it's kind of pointless if anyone who wants to read my posts, can't. 

I hope it's just the cheap monitors we use at work; but any comments or emails with your thoughts on this matter would be much appreciated. 

Demons, demons come out to play

I had some bleak stuff floating around in my head before I started to blog tonight; stuff I was dwelling on too much. Same old, same old; yes I know!

But since reading yesterdays posts and posting tonight it's gone away to some degree.

I'm still lacking in a bit of confidence, I think that is the root of my problems at the moment, last week was a rough ride. It shows at times, it did again today. 

I was considering closing the blog down; fearing it had become an albatross around my neck, a dead-weight, the start of new found problems in my life, which I did not need. I wished I had not admitted my sexuality, learned how to open my mouth and let people in. It was easier when I said nothing, life was simpler, although I was not true to myself and others.

I am well aware it's a stupid and non-sensical train of thought, a steady week or two should sort me out, help rebuild the confidence and mellow the mind.  I know my life is blessed in many ways and I am thankful and lucky for it. My demons are nothing new and are no more than minor irritants - put them into perspective, get on with life and smile. Please. 

You look beautiful darling

The things a man has to do to keep himself looking beautiful. I bought a clay mask thing from Boots last month, they were amongst a 3 for 2 offer when I bought some face wash and something else that I cannot remember. So for free let's give it a go I thought. 

Last night I tried it for the first time, as I had a bath instead of a shower. Apply the mask and luxuriate in a piping hot bath for a while; oh the diva lifestyle!

So I put this mask on and looked in the mirror and I looked like a smurf gone wrong, my face was bright green; then it started to dry out to a dark green and I looked like the hulk minus the rippling muscles and bulging out eyes.

So anyway I took a photograph to document this and as you can see by my facial expression I was very impressed with it. 

Last nights happiness

I took a photograph of myself being happy last night to prove what a good day I had. Unfortunately time caught up with me and I went to bed without posting it; so I thought I would post it today.

The drink in the glass is brandy, if anyone is pondering what to buy me for Christmas, there's your answer! I have been drinking too much of it lately, that makes me sound like an alcoholic and is not true. I have been having a glass a night, but I don't normally drink alcohol when I'm working the next day, hence I have been drinking it too much. Look it's even made my smile larger than life and my lips yellow.

I look stupid but my head is cold

Perhaps it's the shape of my head or something but I never, ever look good wearing a hat. But it's been cold of late, my MacBook tells me it's -3C outside at the moment, and as you lose most of your body heat through your head, well, you've got to wear a hat.

Myself and my good friend Derek B modeled some in River Island today, I was hoping to look like Bear Grylls on an Arctic expedition but ended looking like, well.... Thanks to the staff member whose name I forget, but she was real sweet and took the photographs.

Today I love everyone

I approached today in a strange but good manner; after the recent run of indifferent days I consciously decided to really try and be open and approachable with my friends and colleagues, to not judge nor cast aspersions, even in jest; and not to disappear into myself when I felt it necessary.

I'm certain it helped turn the day into a real good, happy and smiley one. I enjoyed myself today, my mood and spirit lifted with the ticking of the clock, it was a day I did not want to end. I started off badly, truth be told, making a joke out of Derek W and his worries over shift changes and his need to leave should it occur - but I apologised immediately. After that I went from strength to strength; living out my vision and even attempting to correct others along the way when they strayed. 

I did not even let Mary from Zumo blight my day or mood when she continued to cast me as some man-slut. Although to be honest it's a reoccurring theme and I don't mind it, in fact I always do see the funny side regardless of my mood. Mary doesn't mean any harm and I know that and she does make me laugh; and perhaps most importantly, makes me laugh at myself.

Perhaps I was rewarded by my efforts because I got on real well with Mat today. I like Mat, although not in that respect, he's a good guy but we have been kind of play-arguing with one another of late. Nothing bad but he kind of winds me up and I fall for the bait and things are said that needn't be; and I do the same to him too, being honest. At times, although it is only daft and childish, it does upset me some, I consider him a good friend and I don't like to go through with the petty, needless stuff. 

Today, we had a good talk about things and I was open and honest towards him. Mat is real easy to talk to, he's my soundboard in some respects, I do not feel threatened by him even though he can somewhat push the boundaries of what I find comfortable speaking about - but it is what I need to open up. I like talking to him, clearing my mind and soul of the clutter that accumulates. He's a human version of this blog. I don't think you find people like that often, I certainly don't anyway; it's good to make connections, to communicate openly and without fear. (Which makes a mockery of the entry I wrote earlier in the week. Yes, I am ashamed and sorry; but that's my worrisome mind at times.)

Upon leaving work I thanked everyone for being part of such a good day. Today I am glad to be alive, I am thankful for the friends I have in my life. I hope I can approach every day like this one and just enjoy it for what it is. 

I love you all, thank you.

The light and the shadow

Well I woke up today and it was still foggy, the second consecutive day. I can't remember the last time it stuck around so long, then again my mind does not remember much of note. So whilst at work this morning walking around with Ian I stopped to take a photo of it. I think Ian thought I was losing the plot, taking a photo of the fog; perhaps it is a required taste. But it paints the world in a whole new light, or should that be shadow? Perhaps both, the light and the shadow. Unfortunately it cleared come midday, but that said it turned into a beautiful, sunny afternoon;

and it warmed up some too. Kind of weird seeing the sunshine after a couple of days of otherworldliness.

Listening to: Ryan Adams - Easy Tiger (Orange Vinyl)

It makes sense.... kind of?

Latish last night whilst having nothing else to do and nothing to write about here (how strange!) I stumbled across a blog by Ryan Adams, singer-songwriter, for those not familiar. He's released some great albums, one particular being in my top whatever, "Heartbreaker"; which I own on CD and 2 different vinyl versions - overkill? I guess so. Saw him live at the Manchester Apollo last year too, and I was truly amazed at what a great frontman he is; he really lives the songs and music, very charismatic. 

Anyway I read his blog, I think it's only been going a few days, and it was a revelation. It is, at times,  a very personal account of his life, his issues, problems and mindset. And it kind of brought me back to my life in some respects, my issues, problems and mindset which I have documented to some degree on here. And I have often been slightly uncomfortable with living my life out on here, the personal issues and problems I face have always remained so, up until discovering this blog tool. I guess it's the battle to face new frontiers in many aspects of my life.

So pondering on this today at work, I thought if someone in the limelight, who earns his living by being out there in the public eye can write this personal account of his life, then why can't a normal everyday guy like me do it? There is no reason, none at all. Furthermore when you read such a first hand account of a person you admire and look to through their music and read their faults and fears you realise that perhaps you are not alone in this respect. 

Perhaps, everyone has similar issues and problems but some deal with or hide it better than me; or have a partner to offload their fears upon. And the way I now choose to deal with my demons is to exorcise them out on this blog, rather than letting them build up inside and take over my life. Maybe no one reads the words I type into this machine, it does not matter much; because, and I touched upon this earlier within my blog, it is therapy. If nothing else it helps me sort out some of the weird stuff that goes on in my head and I think it works; I think I have become a better, more open person because of it. I am far from perfect, can still be reticent, shy and hard work at times but it's becoming better. 

And I love blogging, perhaps it takes up some of the time where I would be aimlessly lost and thinking about stuff too much, way too much. It keeps me from the television too which is never a bad thing. Head on over and check out Ryan's blog, the link is on my profile page. Here follows a taste of it which struck a chord with me and made me think it's okay to be a little screwed up with life and yourself; be comfortable with it, I am not alone. Thanks R XXX.

Infinity Blues is back from the printing house. I saw it today as I signed a milliondy copies and the cool insert book “sad american mythology” it would have left me speecheless but i sat there from early a.m til almost 4 rushhour something signing them all in one sitting

i am terrified and excited also. proud and scared. 

this is the closest to the bone i ever cut into my verse, into my life.

i am proud

but also wants to crawl under the covers forever…..

i just hope it helps people know they aren’t the only ones trapped inside their good and their bad daydreams

and

if nothing else, we are never alone- we’re here together somehow.

and also,

if my dumb ass poorly educated hack can do it, then so can YOU

sing your life……

you’re all so beautiful

and

i never meant anyone was an experiment

i suppose this sharing of feelings are

and

i hope they yield only one thing….

hope.

hope and a hanging-in as my pal michele say’s

she is a sunshine

and

so are you.

bless us all on the holidays

alone, sober, lost, too much,

and

well

just human every time we let it go and

let it out/

XXXX

R